Ty for yr comments … but don’t get me wrong I don’t think it is the people in charge's fault … as I say some have been very nice to me … like inviting me! So I think it is worth while stating their good will.

It more just the general atmosphere I have noted around people of the gay scene … not so much homosexual people … just the scene people ... which is who tend to join these clubs in my experience.

I didn’t tell my friend how I felt because it would have ruined her night and just caused trouble. I am just not the kinda person that saids “your all wrong and I am right” because its not all of them … just a few … so it seems mean to blame everyone when its just a few individuals.

Maybe in time they will get themselves sorted … or not …


Anyway …

Fun.

maybe, as someone else said, it's just because they're already in one big clique (sp?). i know people like that, and they'll exclude anyone who's not already in the ''crowd''. i wouldn't take it personally, they're just trying to make themselves feel self-important having someone want ''in'' with them and being able to shun them.

i've had an (ex) friend like that. who had really low self esteem and me and our friends did all we could to help her..invited her out, called her up etc. she started hanging about with a few other people from some youth group, didn't introduce us because she wanted friends that we didn't have...and eventually never invited us anywhere, and when we asked why she was like ''oh..you know...you're just not in our little clique''. uhuhhh..

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forum moderator

(Disclaimer: Italics indicate potential bolloxs that only I adhere to, ultimately rending myself within a spiral of repressed emotions. lol)



Twists and turns. That’s really the only way you can sum up life I think.

You think you got something clear in your head and then BANG! A new plot line appears in the soap of your life.

K. I have been moaning and groaning about the LGBT and how lesbians don’t accept me etc etc.

On Friday night I met someone. They seemed nice enough, and then they started being very nice, saying how pretty I was and stuff. I was quite taken back by this as one may expect. Anyway, it turns out that they had seen me on some crappy dating site (that my friend made me join about 5 months ago and which I have never returned to) and they said that they had sent me a message etc etc and was disappointed that I didn’t respond.

Well I explained that I didn’t realise etc etc and they were still saying how pretty I was and stuff … so I thought ohk … no one has paid this sort of attention to me in over 2 years and I wasn’t sure I knew how to deal with it. But I rolled with it.

Kissed. Was nice. She was a very good kisser.

That’s the issue. She is a she. She is a member of the LGBT. She is what last week I was moaning about lol. Not her individually but that social group.

Anyway, I am about 88% sure that when she was flirting with me she had no idea about my physical state. She has since added me on facebook and said that she will text me during the week for a ‘chat’. Now, she is friends with a lot of the LGBT who know about my physical status, so by now she will know and I have no idea if she is going to be ohk with it.

In fact I don’t know if I am ohk with it! I had got myself mentally ready to date a guy and then this girl appears from nowhere and starts praising me! Oh cruel world lol!

I hate the fact that I am waiting for her to text
I hate the fact that I don’t know if I like her or not
I hate the fact that I am not content to be alone anymore.

It will take time to get my head reorganised after this. When the evitable rejection happens I hate the fact that I will be upset and will think about why and what could I have done differently etc etc.

Being content is the key to happiness. That’s why I hate all this silly sex business because it just screws with that and gives you false expectations. Love is not a given, it is a gift. You shouldn’t expect love, love should be a surprise.

If you expect love you can never be alone and content, and that is why I dislike being in this situation. Wow … I can really moan! Self-deprecation is clearly on the agenda!

Missing?

[Since I got moaned at for posting pics I have put them in url links as requested. It’s a shame, I feel it takes away from the only good part of my blog lol the text is bolloxs! But it forces me to give them titles and I kinda don’t like that, as it denotes a prescriptive frame influencing the viewer of what I was feeling at the time. Rather than just allowing someone to look and create his or her own story. But lets face it I am just posing in the pics anyway, so they are hardly valid as being representative of the emotions I was expereince at the time! Just a show for amusement really lol I TALK BOLLOXS lol]

Hi Rachel. I like to illustrate my articles, too. Each picture is worth a thousand words or so they say. I get 'round the embargo by placing my pictures on my website.

It is an opportunity to hone one's journalistic skills. Have a dictionary to one side and discover what a friend it will become...

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The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

This is a great thread, hope things are going well for you Rachel. Love the pictures by the way, you're cute as a button (because buttons are cute or something I guess)!

Hey its a small world....... I was over in Leeds just the other week and was in the Brotherton Library! We also went to a dodgy looking student pub called the PackHorse and ended up with the best Sunday Roast ever......and it only cost a fiver!

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Cheeky Cat!

Hey Rachel, I'm not normally one for visuals but I did like your pictures and style of blog. I guess it just doesn't work here because of aforementioned issues.

As for this thing with this girl... Maybe you're over-analysing a little? Why not just enjoy it while you can and see what happens?

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Check out the Tzone team bios (including mine!) at: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Supporting the family, friends and partners of trans people in the UK: http://www.depend.org.uk/support.html
If you are struggling we will support you
If you are celebrating we will join you

A : So, what’s up?

B : The sky.

A : Funny stuff.


Well, not much has happened to me since I last posted here. Well I say that, it has, but I have just been too busy doing it and too lazy to keep this up-to-date.

Oh time for a picture.

One

I came second in a publishing competition, which I guess is something, but I wanted first place. So I am going to re-write it and see if I can get it published elsewhere. I am currently working on another article, which personally I think is ten times better than the 2nd placed one. But hey ho.

I definitely need a haircut. But I am a wee bit nervous. lol. Plus, I do not want to have to ‘explain’ to a new hairdresser why my hair shows signs of receding. Oh well. Buck up! [Buck up?]

Two

I am going out tonight. Not sure where. Should be fun though I guess. oh! Went out the other day and I became fascinated with a stamp the club door people persons marked me with lol. Well I was interested anyway :p My housemate had a tattoo done the other week and I had no idea. So when I saw it I was super tactful and proclaimed;

“Why no earth have you drawn a heart on your wrist?” Smooth move.

I am teaching at the University now. Kind of a dream come true type scenario. Its only one hour a week but I am still chuffed. I have my little 1st years all wide eyed and tired from partying instead of reading the work I set them! But its still fun! Me at my friends house. Is alittle bit STUDENT. lol

STUDENTS!

New Years was fun. My friend came over from Texas so lots of catching up and basic natter. Which is always nice. Even though the trains were late! I have been accepted to present a paper at a theatre conference at the Central School of Speech and Drama, so I think I am going to use that as an excuse to see a few friends in London. I am rubbish at staying in touch! Anyway, I am hungry. So food time. Bye.

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Check out the Tzone team bios (including mine!) at: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Supporting the family, friends and partners of trans people in the UK: http://www.depend.org.uk/support.html
If you are struggling we will support you
If you are celebrating we will join you

you look really good in your pictures.
rachel x