That's a tough time, Vanessa, and well done for getting through it. Someone up there wants you to win. We do too.

Welcome home!

_________________
The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Wow, it is a small word we live in I suppose - when our news reaches you so fast and accurately - granted this was probably big news (biggest wild fire in San Diego history - if not California history).

well the fires actually came really close to my friends house (the place I'm staying at the moment) and I was wondering if I was going to loose my much needed job either because the church would burn down or be overrun by people evacuating their homes. Oddly the home I'll be moving into has been available for quite some time and is was in zero danger from the fires but I haven't moved, in part because I needed the pay check saved for the first months rent, so the fires once again made me worry quite a bit. All is good now though (for me at least).

San Diego (and much of California) is on a fault line in one place or another, but oddly enough I don't worry about the earthquakes nearly as much as I worry about the fires.

------------------

It was nice to "talk" with you all again and I hope it won't be too long until I can do it more regularly.

Cherio!
V

_________________
Where Is My Mind?

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Hi everyone, seems like its been a really long time. It's nice be back on the boards as well.

I officially have reliable internet in a house with a room of my very own (which means privacy), with roommates who (so far) are completely accepting of me (they Call me Vanessa and use appropriate pronouns - it's great), a few friends are coming back (limited engagements mostly) and a few new ones are blossoming, I'm actively looking into restarting my education with help from grants and loans from the Transgender community (which is vEry encouraging) - it's odd then that I feel almost scared to proceed with the transition.

First though, a word on my transition thus far.

My roommate Alicia is wonderful, with respect to being completely accepting. When I go out with her friends she never misses a beat- Calling me by the name Vanessa and referring to me exclusively as she or her. It's not just Alicia who has taken charge of my name change - I have been building a list of people who onlly know me by that name, in fact, I recieve more phone calls asking for Vanessa now then I do for . . . that other person. Funny anecdote - my work is based on the phones and I have to give out my name about 15 times a day, so recently I've had to catch and correct myself as I have told the other person on the line that my name is Vanessa (I'm still only part time).

I'm still building up my new wardrobe and there have been several days that I have been forced to wear the same pants over and over again. I have a few questions about the normality of my typical attire.
1) I wear pants, slacks, or some sort of other fabric in the shape of pants most of the time, but hardly ever wear dresses. I think it is mostly because I'm not used to wearing them but it is also due to the fact that I can't wear shorter ones as my legs have never seen the sun and look 'terribly' white. So, is it common to amongs the rest of you to wear skirts more than or less often then pants?
2) Also, I have been wearing bra's even though I don't actually have any breasts to speak of (one man I was talking to recently wouldn't stop looking at them and I kept wondering if it is really that obvious for women or if he was just trying to be an ass). I feel a little silly doing this and have considered stopping the practise many times. I keep doing it though because if I don't my clothing doesn't fit right and I prefer not to look like a guy who just happens to be wearing womens clothing. Also, there are plenty of women who don't wear bra's simply because they can be very itchy - I know mine can be.
3) I tend to wear tighter clothing even though my roommate wears much baggier things, but if I do that then (again) it just emphasises a more masculine physic - not my intention.

About my limited HRT regiment: I have been taking Spironolactone for roughly . . . hm, a month? Well apperantly I don't remember thee exact lenght of time but it has been over a month now. I'm not sure I could point out the exact changes I've experienced because I don't think there have been any significant changes. The two most significant changes I've noticed have been 1) I almost never have an errection any more, which, includes after waking up and while riding in bumpy cars while tucked securly away. 2) !!TMI MOMENT!! I produce very little ejaculate. Other thatn that - I still feel like I have the same labido I always had and the hair on my face won't stop growing back no matter how many times I tweeze it out (is it bad for your skin to tweezer the hair out?).

One really nice thing about my area is that they have a very inexpencive way of starting and maintaining your HRT leagally and safely. There is a Tuesday night clinic which will provide someone to discuss your goals/plans/expectations from and for HRT, and set up a sort of map of what to expect.

I went to a Disco party last weekend which was a lot of fun and reminded me of how uncomfortable I have always been on the dance floor, but I did get to show off how good I can walk in six inch heels.

Really quick, here are the negatives of my transition:
1) I'm constantly scared (paranoid?) that I'm going to be kicked out of the house, ending up homeless, which is my biggest fear in the entire world (besides clowns) at this moment.
2) Nobody looks me in the eye or says hello when I walk down the street. It's not just the way I carry myself either as I always keep my head up and make a habit of smiling and greating people when I pass them - but nothing, and it is frustrating - especially when combined with the next one.
3) I've heard a lot of the girls say it but, I'm lonely. I take every oportunity I am given to go out with people but I still feel seperated from everyone. This one alone is a tough one to ignore and as I find myself getting more desperate for company I find myself talking to myself - you know, like a crazy person would.
4) I look like hell from the shoulders up. I don't know what to do with my hair (I'm hoping to get some styling advice this weekend), my face only looks good from certain angles no matter how my eye brows have been shaped, and my neck is like a stump just sitting there. I want FFS sooo bad.

So what happened to make me take a break from the transition? I went to a trans meeting three days ago (which I've done before). The problem with these meetings seem to be that you get to see the worst case more than the best. There was a lady there who was not all there and I don't think could have taken care of herself if she didn't have this hurdle working against her at the same time. But I tend to find myself wondering if I'm going to wind up like her some day, blaming the world for my problems and never taking responcibility. And it was just scary, like I might have been looking into my future. /sigh, they really need to find more positive role models to attend these things.

Then when I got home I started getting this feeling from my roommate that she was (lol) conspiring to find a reason to kick me out - I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not unfortunately, but when I think about it I somehow doubt it. Who knows for sure though? So I started to worry myself sick over that.

Then I decided to take a break for a day, and left for the store in some of my only remaining boy mode clothing. On the way to the store some random guy just struck up a conversation with me, people were looking me in the eyes and smiling at me, and I felt like a person again - instead of some sort of ghost.

So for the last three days I've been in boy mode full time and haven't even cracked the Spiro bottle.

Then this afternoon, the urge was right there again to get back on the transition as if I never stopped, so this is where I am now.

I want to transition still - I do, but if I decide to transition I need to find a compromise until I can go full time and be confident with my living arrangements. I've decided to keep with Vanessa and the pronouns, but stop wearing bra's. I'm going to stay tucked, sitting instead of standing, removing facial hair, and wearing womens clothing, but I'm not going to try to pass myself off as a woman as much as a very androgynous person so I can still get work and keep my credibility with roommates and other important people.

The tough choice is with the Spiro - I want to stay on it, but I don't want to start growing breasts until I am self sufficient but it will only be a matter of 1-2 months now until my body will simply stop producing testosterone on it's own right? Then I'll need to get hormone suppliments to avoid deteriazation of my bone mass. I don't want to have to suppliment my body with artificial T while I wait to transitition either though.

-----------------------------------
Overview:

1) I'm going to shift into a more gradual transition so I can still live normally for the time being as I get more stable on my own.

2a) I really want to continue with Spironolactone

2b) I don't want to continue with full HRT until I am able to sustain myself as well as finance FFS, but if I continue with Spiro without hormones then I risk early bone density loss.

-----------

_________________
Where Is My Mind?

Merry Christmas, Thank you for the suport you have given the forums. Hope you have a wondertfull time, no matter what happens.
THEFISHKEEPER

_________________
" Too many years fighting the tears, Why can't the past just die. Try to for give, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, help me to say. Goodbye"
From Phantom Of The Opera

Fishkeeper is Admin staff for FTM's.
My Bio. http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm
we have a library
http://www.transgenderzone.com/library

feel free to browse

I hope things are going alright and you had a nice Christmas. It's nice to hear how you are getting on so I hope you get in touch sometime soon.

Happy new year Vanessa and I hope 2008 is a marvellous year for you.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

HRT starts tomorrow. I'm really happy to be saying that, though, I still haven't told my Mom and don't really want to. In a few months, when I start to show, she will definitely need to know. I guess I just don't know how to tell her . . . well that and I really just wish it wasn't such a big issue . . . plus there's the whole problem with loosing someone close to me and stuff.

Oh, I'm also looking to go full time very soon since my temporary work has come to a close. Actually my roommates and I have a little gathering at my place at times and last night we had a Pizza party where I was advised to apply to a company that one of their friends works at. It's not a wonderful job but that doesn't really matter as much as the fact that it gets me where I want to be for the moment. I have a social worker now, Tracie - a Transsexual veteran, who I'll be meeting with tomorrow to discuss my first injection of Estrogen and I have a number of questions to ask her including how to present myself in a job interview.

That reminds me of course, I want to ask her a number of other questions too. I have been feeling recently that my mannerisms have been a bit of a give away. Old habits like the way I point with my thumb to something behind me or nod my head at someone passing by are small but (to me) they look very masculine and I want to change them. Also, I have reached the point that I am comfortable enough with who I am to make these types of changes and also start working on my voice and walk.

Tracie is a lot of fun, and the only person I can tell everything to. Last week she was encouraging me to start using a more feminine voice even if it sounds like crap (which I think it does) so she had me speak the rest of the session that way. I think this week I'll ask her if she can help me with my walk.

_________________
Where Is My Mind?

I am so pleased that things look more settled for you now, Vanessa! And perhaps the best is yet to come!

Whoohoo! Congratulations on the hormones, Vanessa! I guess that by now you've probably already started them - it's great, isn't it

Also, it's good to know you're still alive - I never seem to see you on messenger any more. Or maybe you're just hiding from me...

Anyway, don't be a stranger - post more often!

Dave

Awe, Flamey honey I am certainly not hiding from you, but you're right I don't go online nearly as often anymore. I actually have reliable internet access but I'm just so busy with work and trying to become a part of the community (not to mention the hoops one must jump through to start this transition) as well as my completely satisfying home life community (I love my roommates to death). Actually, I wish more than ever that we all lived in the same city, heck the same country would be nice, so I could meet you all, but, alas we were born to different motherlands.

Oh Flameboy, I have met this dude at the LGBT community center in my area who is FTM and, oh my god, he passes beautifully (the greatest facial hair). He's not really tall but you'ld never hold it against him, plus, he makes me think of you for some reason - anyway I guess its just nice to see the diversity of the community.

About my own hormones, I have the prescription but I'm still looking for an inexpensive pharmacy to buy them from. My local pharmacy said they would be able to get them for a very reasonable amount ($35) but called me back and said they would have to buy a more expensive brand ($110) and I said "ah no". Hopefully I'll find a place today and I should have the prescription by tomorrow so my roommate can inject me for the first time.

PS: ^.^ LOL, oh yes, what should I know about injecting myself? I have never injected myself with anything and really don't want to make another appointment with the clinic I got the prescription from, but I also really don't want to hurt myself!

It looks like you just need to pinch a bunch of meaty or fatty tissue together and inject yourself in said tissue. Is there a better place to do it though? Do I need to watch out for veins? Have I missed some other very important question that I should consider upon injecting myself? Thanks for any help.

edit: Oh, yes and should I look out for any peculiar symptoms from having the initial shock of estrogen in me? When I was taking Spironolactone I really didn't notice much of any changes to anything so I keep expecting the same to be true with hormones but I know it will likely not be the case. I know if my legs begin to go numb I'm supposed to head straight to the doctor but I'm not too worried about blood clots at the moment.

anyway, any clarification on what to expect from the initial dose would be stellar. Thanks and love all

_________________
Where Is My Mind?

Hi Vanessa, I miss chatting to you as well although I have been busy recently. It's so good to read that things are going well for you. Hopefully we can have a proper chat sometime soon.

Take care .

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Well, and I'm sure you all want to know, my nipples are starting to feel a might sensitive as of yesterday. Really the feeling was coming on since Sunday night but I hadn't thought much about it. I'm only two weeks and three days into the treatment - I really didn't expect to feel anything significant happening until at closer to two month of treatment had passed.

It's exciting to me of course and I am looking forward to having more vizable changes. My Doctor had told me that he had seen significant changes in less than two months with some of his patients and I'm hoping . . . well part of me is hoping, that I am going to be one of those girls.

I'm not sure if it is just me and my wishful thinking but I swear there is a little puffiness around my right nipple ^.^ . Of course it's not like I made a habit of testing the puffiness of them before now, so it could be just completely in my head. I do know that they both seem to be a lot perkier and are obvious through my t-shirts if they are even a little form fitting.

I've been looking for work recently without hiding anything, so now I suppose there is a very real reason to be searching. My doctor said I would likely be able to hide any breast development for at least a year (If I want to) but this new sensitivity makes me wonder it it is happening quicker than even he had antisipated.

_________________
Where Is My Mind?

Things can happen quite quickly. Five weeks after starting hormones my boobs decided to go for it. I shall never forget that morning in front of the bathroom mirror when I noticed two little friends who weren't there the day before...

I had the doctor check them over to make sure all was in order and that I wasn't developing anything malignant. All was well, he assured me: "Natural breast bud development". They stopped growing after about six months and as well too; they'd be a nuisance if they were much bigger.

Three months in and my arse had padded out so that I couldn't wear boys' underwear any more. In fact my arse went right through seat of one pair that I tried putting on.

This was a couple of years ago and I look back on that time with fondness. This time I had a puberty that was going my way. I hope it all works out for you too.

Mine are bloody killing me i've been on the hormones now for a little under 3 months and I can just about fill a B cup. Now matter what I do though, going a little too qucikly up or down stairs, accidently hitting them or even putting on clothes, they hurt! But OMG... I dont think I could live with out them now

I hope everything continues going well for you.

_________________
Where Is My Mind?