tzone

Herb · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 9:35 pm Post subject:

I tried talking to my mum about this again today. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that she wants this buried under the carpet as much as possible. Every time I bring it up, she is extremely enthusiastic about reminding me never to mention it to any friends or family.

I think she supports me in as much as she wants me to be 'cured' and return to a 'normal' life. But I think she has definite hopes about seeing more grand kids. That much for certain isn't going to happen.

It's a shame. I really want her to be the one who chooses my fem name (unless she says she would have named me something really horrible like Esmeralda), but it's increasingly looking like the only way I can step forward is to burn a bridge.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Herb wrote:

...but it's increasingly looking like the only way I can step forward is to burn a bridge.

I think it's a bit early to say that you're going to have to burn bridges. I know this is going to sound like a cliched response but I suspect that she just needs time. Afterall you will have known about how you feel a lot longer than she has and she probably has to go through a fair bit of thinking first before she can be completely supportive. I know everyone is different and some people take this sort of news differently than others, I can only speak from my own personal experience of my mum and I.

I didn't think my mum would ever understand or be as supportive as she is now and she is getting better all the time. People said to me that in time she'd be fine and I didn't believe them but things are slowly getting better. I can't say how your mum is going to be about it but don't lose hope of her not understanding and being supportive just yet.

Now you have a job perhaps you should work on getting your own place so you can have some privacy and be able to be yourself without being around your mum all the time, maybe that will make things easier. Perhaps then when you feel the time is right you can invite your mum over and introduce the real you to your mum. It might probably be less stressful for her because she can go home again afterwards. Maybe if you let things happen slowly she will gradually understand.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

**Flameboy** · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:16 pm Post subject:

Ah, sorry to hear your mum's trying to brush it under the carpet. Have you tried getting her to read any books or websites, or contact other people about it? There's some pretty good resources out there if she's willing to have a look - Depend have some good resources (I'm reliably told), or there's a book called True Selves: Understanding TranssexualismFor Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals which my parents have found helpful.

By the way, is it tomorrow you start your new job? If so, best of luck with it!

Dave

Herb · Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 11:35 am Post subject:

And my referral letter for the head-shrink has finally arrived. I now get the funfunfun task of making an appointment and panicking for the next 2-2 weeks while I wait.

The job I had? It only lasted a week. I think i have a pathological inability to hold on to any job for any length of time. This is going to make transitioning hard, simply from a financial point of view.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Awwww, it's only natural to feel a little worried about your appointment but once it's over you'll probably be thinking why was I so worried? Just think to yourself that you are moving forward, hopefully that's a pleasant thought to make you feel better.

Sorry to hear about your job too.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Herb · Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:12 am Post subject:

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Any last minute advice?

It's nothing important really. Just the entire direction of the rest of my life which depends on it. No pressure. none at all. no need to prepare, everyone says. Just be yourself.

(Yeah, but who am I?)

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Well I think being yourself and be as open and as honest as you can is the best advice. All the psychiatrists I have seen have been very nice people and easy to talk to.

The first psychiatrist I saw pretty much asked me about everything imaginable, even things that I never understood the relevance for and I was in there for over 2 hours, I've heard other people say that they've only had an appointment that lasts 30 minutes. It's quite usual that a local psych won't have had much experience with trans people so I don't think anyone can tell you exactly how it will go.

I went to my first psychiatrist appointment fully dressed as female, wearing a skirt and using my best voice even though I wasn't living full time as female then. I don't think it's necessary as they shouldn't be interested in how you are dressed but I wanted to give the right impression. I think though subconsciously how you dress probably does give an impression about yourself.

After my first psychiatrist appointment the psych wanted to me to see another psychiatrist that was a specialist in gender dysphoria and have him decide whether I should be referred to the Claybrook Gender Identity Clinic in London. In Bristol (where I am from) they want you to see someone specialised in gender dysphoria before they open their purse strings so to speak. When I saw the second psych the appointment was pretty much a formality and he apologised that I had to see 2 psychs and said my GP should have referred me directly to him.

I guess what I am saying is that some areas have different procedures and some local psychs may not understand exactly what to do and not feel comfortable making a referral. You should be referred directly from your local psych to a GIC but sometimes it doesn't happen right away, just try not to feel too downhearted if you don't get referred right away. I felt really upset at the time and really depressed but I guess it did spur me on to go full time and transition at work so that when I saw the next psych I would get referred, which I did.

I hope it goes well for you Herb, I'll be thinking of you as no doubt we all will be on the forums.

Good Luck!!
(and I'm sure it won't be that bad)

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

**Flameboy** · Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 6:55 pm Post subject:

Good luck for tomorrow Herb!

I don't think I can add anything to what Chrissy's already said - just be yourself, and don't try and say what you think they want to hear if it's not true, I'm pretty sure they'd see through that. And make sure you let us know how you get on Smile

Dave

**Reenie** · Reporter Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3577 Location: Glasgow

Tell it as it is. Good luck, Herb Smile

_________________
The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

**Ren** · Advisor Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 136

I was an absolute nervous wreck the first time i saw mine. I remember the 2 hour bus trip to Glasgow very very well O_o I was so nervous that i completely ignored poor Sophie for most of the afternoon.

I didn't go dressed and i was just, well, myself. The doctors were fantastic, all they want to do is to chat about your life and to see what the best course of action is as regards to helping you.

As everyone has said, just be yourself and everything will be fine =D

Good Luck Herb!

Ren

Herb · Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 11:15 am Post subject:

Well, I didn't go dressed or anything, except for my own idiosyncratic boy mode. Brushed my hair as feminine as it can be at its still tootoo short length.

Basically, talked about my life history, stuff about schools, my work history (get an atlas!), parents, basic questions to check for medical history, sanity history, and whether I'm likely to kill myself.

Next step: The psychologist. This was apparently just an initial assessment. They did suggest it might be possible to get electro on the NHS though. They also seemed fairly convinced (or put on a convincing show of believing me anyway) I'd thought this through thoroughly, and that it's really something I need to do. Which is nice.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

Herb · Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:26 pm Post subject:

Aaaaand mum is back to calling it a "sad day if I ever go through with this".

No mum, it'd be the happiest day of my life if I ever go through with this.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

Herb · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:31 pm Post subject:

Somehow I feel like I'm in an anticlimax state. The NHS visit, in retrospect, was aimed squarely at determining if I'm a danger to anyone (me or others) rather than getting treatment for my needs. Fair enough, they need to do their triage, but I want to move things forwards now that I know what i want. It's the waiting game all over again.

I found a laser hair removal shop in my town that openly advertises itself as unisex, so I can walk in there with my head held high. I'm going to make enquiries tomorrow, and hopefully schedule my first session later this week. I'd feel pretty dumb if, when I finally meet the NHS people next time, I can say I have done exactly nothing.

I'm kind of bound though. Getting a wardrobe requires living under a different roof from my mum, which requires getting a stable job. Hormones, the same except even more so. Hair removal is the only practical step I can take until I have a stable income.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.

Sarah-Jane · Joined: 09 Apr 2007 Posts: 58

Herb wrote:

Hair removal is the only practical step I can take until I have a stable income.

Not true at all. There are a few things:

Like you said before, there's always the hair. I've seen plenty of men with long feminine hair, so it's not like that's a problem.

You can work on your confidence in your female role, like the way you walk, stand and use of body language. Which believe it or not, are important. The little things do add up.

Your voice. I started work on mine a while before I transitioned, and even tho it wasn't at all good at the time I did. It's totally passable now. There's a few sites out there which will help you with that. Just google it.

You cold even meet-up with another TS and have a girls day out. That'll help a lot.

If your interested in wearing make-up, there's always learning how to apply it now and get good at it for when you go full-time.

_________________
"I'll take all the blame."

Book of 'Being Welsh'; Gwen; Chapter 12; Verse 5.

Herb · Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 7:38 am Post subject:

Ok, I have my 2nd IPL test patch scheduled for Monday. Assuming it doesn't show any bad signs, I'll get zapped for the first time properly later next week Smile

I guess I was exaggerating a little in terms of what practical steps i can take. I was referring to the "big-ticket" items - permanent body changes, stuff that would be visible in my possessions at home.

Bear in mind here, I am presently living with my mother. She absolutely hates the idea of me doing this, and doesn't want to know the real me. If I brought home anything girly, I have serious doubts about how long it would stay in the house. That said...

Face Hair - getting the face hair zapped on Monday, this'll be the first of many such treatments. This hair is unfortunately very thick. They said it'd probably take 8-12 treatments. they also implied the only reason IPL isn't considered permanent I because of testosterone, which I found interesting.

Body Hair - Since I haven't come out to the laser shop, I couldn't figure out how to ask for IPL all over. Plus, that would stretch my budget, and it won't normally be visible under clothing anyway. It is on my long-term to-do list though. For now, a mixture of shaving and depilatory creams, but avoiding chest/arm hair, since mum would scream blue murder at that.

Head hair - I haven't cut it since late July. It is currently covering the top 1/3 of my ears. So far, most of the regrowth seems to be in terms of becoming much thicker. Japan wasn't kind to my hair at all. I think it was a mixture of poor quality hair products there and not being able to read the labels properly. Mum has already been on at me to cut my hair. Considering my nephew has hair like Isaac Newton, she should talk to him first.

Body language - I practice that constantly. I actually found myself forcing myself not to cross my legs at work sometimes, in a vain effort not to appear too effeminate. For now, I just watch and learn and practice. Fortunately, mum is blind to body language.

Voice - I'm not doing too badly at this, and I have been told my voice is androgynous. It'd be nice to work on it more of course. I did notice the laser shop did not "mister" me. But they didn't "miss" me either. I'm not sure if it was genuine uncertainty of shop policy. I find going for long walks and singing soprano (badly) helps.

Meet-ups - There is a group in London I go to once a month. But except for a confirmed transvestite who says he does it to attract girls, the average age is easily over 40. Great for information and talking in a relaxed situation. Not really a girls night out though. Not unless its bingo anyway.

I know there should be plenty more in London, but I haven't had a good opportunity to go searching yet. Once I can at least make vague attempts to dress, I will.

hormones, make-up and clothes - not until I am living away from my mum. All three of these are definitely in my plans though.

Psychiatrics - I have a 2nd appointment vaguely planned for in about 5 weeks from now.

I have a second interview for a very nice job in a week or three. Right now, most of my hopes are pinned on that. I can't really begin to show real outward signs until I have moved out. This is what's so frustrating for me, especially given my traditional inability to hold down a job.

_________________
The boobs are just a set of metaphors.