you can get him a scuba diving outfit X)P they are available

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

So last week we were in Glasgow and London seeing people and looking at things.

Mole had an appointment with the gender people and they said even though we're now living in England he can keep seeing them and not get transferred to Charing Cross. Since he's not planning any surgery yet it's easy enough to stay with the Glasgow clinic and see them whenever we're back there. If he wanted surgery now it'd be a different matter because of funding. I'm quite relieved because I've heard so many conflicting things about Charing Cross, I didn't really want him to end up there. He was quite unconcerned about the whole thing - doesn't seem to realise he's had it easy so far!

I saw my pregnant friend and viewed the DVD of her wedding. Just as I thought, I failed to smile at all as I walked up the aisle. I'm just glad I wasn't crying like 2 of the other bridesmaids. Mole was quite pleased with how his guitar playing and singing turned out and surprised about how low his voice sounded. We looked at many photos as well. The pregnancy is about 23 weeks along now so she was trying to get me to feel the baby moving about. I wasn't really sure if I was imagining some movement or not. It's still early though, there'll be no mistaking the kicking and such later on! I still can't quite believe she's going to have an actual real baby...

In London we went to the Briitish Museum, Madame Tussaudes and an LGBT exhibition in this museum in some tiny place. The LGBT exhibition was a bit smaller than I'd hoped, but still it was interesting. There was a timeline and it was funny to think how things have changed, even in my lifetime. I couldn't believe I remembered watching Oranges are not the only fruit when I was only 7! Unless it was repeated and I saw it slightly later. There was some mention of trans issues, although they used the dreaded phrase 'gender dysphasia'. We were careful to point this out in our comment in the visitors book. We also spoke to the guy from the local LGBT group but he was fairly boring.

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P.S. A girl I went to school with is going to be on The Apprentice. She'll be the youngest ever contestant. I got a message on friends reunited asking me to dish any dirt on her. I could dispute her claim that she speaks 5 languages....

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Feeling bla. Went out for a nice walk today, but the English really like to turn the temperature up. Already my summer uniform (jeans and strappy top) is too warm in direct sunlight. This time last year in Wick I was still wearing a hat, a warm jumper and my long furry coat.

On Saturday night me and Mole had a marathon argument. From time to time he likes to hassle me about my non-existent career. Let's make this clear, it's not about the money because I haven't been unemployed all the time. Although I feel guilty for not contributing much, we're not very extravagent and Mole's salary is enough. But when I do work it's only for the money and to keep me occupied during the day. It doesn't actually mean anything, and certainly isn't worth doing a degree for. I'm still waiting for that thing called a career to come and slap me in the face and say 'here I am, this is what you want to do for the rest of your life'.

Anyway Mole thinks I should stop thinking about it and just try some things out. He's the sort of person who thinks there should be a plan for everything and as long as the plan is being followed he's content. Of course the government had to go and mangle his plan by fucking up all the training and now no-one knows what's happening. By August we might find Mole has to try getting a job in Australia instead. As for me, I have no plan and he finds this infuriating. Normally he just tells me what he thinks I should do and I disagree with him and we have a bit of an argument.

But this time he told me I was complacent and he felt like I was wasting my life. Of course I had a hundred responses to that, but I couldn't wipe out the fact that Mole was disappointed in me and seems to have lost faith in what I can do. This argument went on for a long time and nearly ended with me sleeping on the couch (never happens because we each have a similar amount of macho pride and won't stay in the bed knowing the other is out of it).

Things have calmed down but this issue is not going to go away until I have tracked down this elusive career. I'm hurt by the thought that Mole believes I will settle for a life of meaningless admin jobs. But at the same time I still don't know what it is I want to do. I don't feel there's a big hurry, at my age my parents were volunteering in homes for homeless alcoholics - my mum is now a librarian. My peers don't seem to be anywhere near achieving their dreams. I think sometimes Mole forgets he is 4 years older than me and did a degree which leads directly into one job.

At the same time I worry these are just excuses. Am I afraid of pursuing something I really want? Why? I don't think I'm complacent but I do fear that I am putting this off for some reason.

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You know I have this belief, that things will happen, when they are meant to happen, I'm sure that Mole means well, there are many a person such as he, who have goals in life and expect the people around them to have gaols too, and find it hard why they have'nt. Your time will happen when the time is right, you may have to go through many doors to get where you want to be. If your unsure were that is, well at times it can hit you in the face and when that happens you'll wonder what all the fuss was all about.

This time of year, the move, the new job and all that is happening, could have tripped Mole to say those things to you.

Love goes a long way and it all ways wins in the end.

It's good news about the the clinics for Mole and your self.

Now you under stand about me and the weather and why I do not have heating on. Looks like your becoming a Southern softy.

Chin up lass, I believe in you both.

_________________
" Too many years fighting the tears, Why can't the past just die. Try to for give, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, help me to say. Goodbye"
From Phantom Of The Opera

Fishkeeper is Admin staff for FTM's.
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The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Thanks TFK, that's very reassuring. I guess the problem is that right now I'm not going through any doors and this is something I need to work on.

@ Reenie, arg don't mention July! I think I'll have to holiday in the Antarctic or something if it's going to be that hot here. I never had much tolerance for the cold (damn English blood) but my tolerance for heat is even less.

Why vet school? I mean yeah I like animals, but I do not like illness and all the manky things that go along with it. Plus biology was always my worst science.

When I said not worth getting a degree for I meant that I already have a degree but it's wasted on a job where they ask for 'at least 2 O-levels'. Of course, having been educated in the Scottish system I don't technically have any O-levels lol.

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The way I see it is you've got the rest of your life to join the rat race so whats the harm in takin a bit of time to sit back and relax. Thats my excuse anyway

Im sure Mole's not disappointed in you, just like any caring partner he wants the best for you and wants to see you reach your potential. Im sure when the right job comes along you'll know it str8 away. Finding something that you want to stick at for a long time and be happy doin can take time for some people. Like you said Mole's lucky he knew what he wanted to do and his training led to the career he wanted. You said Mole's the type of person who likes a plan, so the fact that you are'nt like that and dont have a plan prob just annoys him sometimes. Such is life I say.

Well I'm back and guess what, I still don't have a job. I had an interview for the Bristol Drugs Project as an admin assistant, but I was 'unsuccessful'. I'm totally out of money now so I decided to give up looking for a job that I might like and sign up with an employment agency.

Which I did yesterday. They gave me this wierd test about Microsoft Word - I got 88% and I'm sure most of the wrong ones were to do with mail merge, I mean who the hell uses that? Anyway there was also a data input test and I passed both. They said they'll let me know when they get something. They wanted references to cover the last 2 years, which I have - except for random gaps after graduation and after each move. So they wanted a character reference, for that I had to put down one of my old lecturers, who of course I have not spoken to since I graduated. I emailed him today to warn him and remind him who I was lol.

A thing that really annoyed me recently was that I have no right to vote in the Scottish elections now that I live in England. I mean if I was living outside of the UK I'd be entitled to vote in the UK elections wouldn't I? And the Scottish elections were so exciting this year. The SNP are the government, who'd have thought it. A historical event. Whereas here it was just boring local elections and only one candidate bothered to even send me a leaflet. Also I had no polling card, so in the end I didn't vote. Mole got a postal vote, but predictably forgot to post it in time.

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Welcome to the twilight zone TDP, crazy place this eh!, I guess we may think that with the other side of the boarder.

I really hope that you find a job that suits you TDP, but you said that Moles job could be coming to an end at some time this year and you do not know were you'll be going? Dose that worry you a little in the job spec?

Any way lass I really hope that your successful, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Are you still liking Bristol? I must visit it again at some time, it's been a while and I know the quay side has grown since I was there, I mean the Ship has been restored, the last time it was just about going under the knife..so to speak. My mate used to live in Fishponds.

Any way you take care now and please say hello to Mole.

_________________
" Too many years fighting the tears, Why can't the past just die. Try to for give, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, help me to say. Goodbye"
From Phantom Of The Opera

Fishkeeper is Admin staff for FTM's.
My Bio. http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm
we have a library
http://www.transgenderzone.com/library

feel free to browse

Thanks TFK. Mole's job will be ending at the beginning of August. After that he could get a job in Scotland or South West England, or he might end up with nothing. So we may be staying here still, I hope so anyway because I hate moving.

It would be nice to meet up if you ever visited Bristol again. Where we live is not too far from Fishponds, that's where I go for shopping if I walk.

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If you are struggling we will support you
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We will have to make arrangements then TDP, I would like to see the city centre again and the quay as I said. I'll bet Fishponds has changed too.

_________________
" Too many years fighting the tears, Why can't the past just die. Try to for give, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, help me to say. Goodbye"
From Phantom Of The Opera

Fishkeeper is Admin staff for FTM's.
My Bio. http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm
we have a library
http://www.transgenderzone.com/library

feel free to browse

I nearly got a job the other day but it didn't work out. I sent my CV to this agency guy and he called me the next day, so I went in to speak to him. I had to fill in a stupid form, then do a stupid test with lots of waiting around in between. Finally I got to talk to him and the job sounded ok, the money was good and he seemed to think they would want me. But then he noticed my two 4 month gaps in employment, he kept going away to find things out - more waiting! Cos the job was for a bank they don't accept gaps of over 3 months in case I was in jail or something. The stupid thing is, if I was on jobseekers it wouldn't be a gap. However since I know I'm not entitled to any money I didn't bother trying to go on jobseekers.

So then he gave me some information and a test about another job. The hours were really crap - between 7am and 11pm including weekends. The problem with that is, Mole already works such long hours that if I work crazy hours too then we'll never see each other. Anyway the job sounded rubbish too, basically people calling up to complain about broken broadband. In the end I just walked out and left the empty form at reception. I feel a bit guilty because I haven't worked since January now and we need the money. But I just couldn't face it.

So no progress there. BUT, I have been thinking about my career and I am ready to reveal the potential plan of possible careerness!

What I'm thinking is, I'll go back to University and do psychology, with the eventual goal of becoming a clinical psychologist. The thing is, it's going to take a really long time and it's going to be very hard work so I need to be sure it's a good idea.

I'll have to do a 3 or 4 year degree, or get some credits through open university then do a conversion degree. Financially I don't know how we're going to manage - but that's the easy bit! Once I have my degree, and it has to be a first or good second class result, then I have to get some relevant work experience. Then I have to try and get onto a 3 year doctorate, competition is very high. Unlike the degree, the doctorate is funded so there should be some money to live on. Assuming I get onto a doctorate course and manage to finish it, then I can look for a job as a clinical psychologist.

Of course, once I get the degree I don't have to become a clinical psychologist. I could try educational psychology instead or something else.

All this is doubly complicated because of the constant possiblity of relocating to wherever Mole's job is. The most worrying thing really is how long it's going to take. I'm certainly going to be in my 30s before I can look at actually getting a job. I'd really hoped to be a bit more settled by then. What about having kids, saving money, that sort of thing?

Still, there's no reason not to put step one of the plan (getting some psychology credits from the OU) into action. It doesn't matter if I move and I even have some money to pay for it thanks to my parents who saved some money for me when I graduated.

After all Mole's badgering about my career, it was a throwaway comment he said out of sheer frustration that really had an impact on me. He compared my waiting for the miraculous appearance of the right job to someone waiting for The One. I know there's no point waiting for The One because there's no such thing. You've just got to have relationships with people you like, do your best to make it work and try to be happy together. Maybe having a career is no different.

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Unlike Mole, I don't put much emphasis on the career.
To me, the most important thing is to feel good inside, and thus to do what you realy want to do (profession- wise).
If you know what you want to do, the path to it would be easy enough. It can be a hard work, but it would be an enjoyable hard work.

If not and you only need work to get money, it'd be frustrating to put a lot of your life into it.