tzone

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Well looks like the forum's been reset, so here we go again:
http://p2.forumforfree.com/finding-the-key-to-myself-vt3251-tzone.html

I've got a collection of thoughts...
Log entry

Quote:

Why do I want to be a girl so much? Why have I always seemed to prefer to be one... this makes no sense. I mean I seem normal for a guy... kinda. Well, you'll never see me playing in sport, and I prefer to talk with friends more... although lately I'm been spacing out, thinking. Maybe its because I've been rejected from a crush I have. Hmm my face is weird. It's like almost uninfluced by hormones. Pretty much on the border line of both sexes. If you had to tell just by my head, I could easily change your guess by combing another way

Log entry

Quote:

Is it because I feel limited?... or lost?... or that I don't fit in? Maybe it has something to do with that body of theirs... or that they seem to be so friendly towards others.

Log entry

Quote:

I've heard that I'll figure it out someday, but well, I just had a weird dream. It seems useless, but read though the whole thing. Last night I had a dream... it started out normal, with me going on vacation, and playing "Burnout" on my PSP on the 747, but later on when we landed I felt weird and was taken to an hospital for tests. Now at this, point, I had full control, as if in real life. I even posted, on this forum, in my dream. well, in the dream, I found out I had ovaries. First I was confused (and a little happy?), but later I broke down crying, for reasons i'm not too sure of. I think it was the fact I need to change my whole life and adapt, and my friends will see my strangely. Anyways, it does help me think better about my gender issue.I think.

Log Entry

Quote:

Why do I seem so dazed all the time? I'm always spaced out, and never excited about anything..

[/b]

**Juz** · Advisor Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 1000

The last one is my question, too.

As for the reasons of why I prefer to be a guy (in my case), I think about it a lot, and seems the answer I get is because I take the life as a guy and male social role fits me just perfectly.

Kenneth · Tzoner Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 453 Location: UK

Juz wrote:

The last one is my question, too.

And mine

_________________
Teenager. FTM gender dysphoric 'transgender tomboy'
Now not transitioning after re-discovering God.

http://www.myspace.com/124369317
Reality has a nasty habit of slapping you in the face when you least expect it.
Depression (n) - the state of seeing the world for what it really is.

(All signatures © Kenneth.) Cool

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

[quote=]Arghhh this is so confusing. When I see an attactive girl I don't know if I want to be with her, or be her myself. Confused

[/quote]
:/

**Hellfrozeover** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 773 Location: UK

That must be awful. I always wondered as far as lesbian relationships go, whether they feel jealous of each other and attracted at the same time. I suppose best idea is to ask someone in the situation Smile

. It's interesting stuff but it doesn't make sense of matters much.

_________________
Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here Smile

**Reenie** · Reporter Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3577 Location: Glasgow

Quote:

Arghhh this is so confusing. When I see an attactive girl I don't know if I want to be with her, or be her myself. Confused

Both. There ends the confusion.

Claudia · Tzoner Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 227

I can relate to you when you say you look androgynous, I'm 19 and I can still pass as either if I choose to, but naturally, it's as female whenever I can. You seem to have an intellectual and analytical approach to this matter, but this can only get you so far, I know the feeling, since I got myself into such loops that any train of thought or sense of identity was completely lost - maybe if you lean towards where your instincts tell you to go and what makes you feel good, rather than what "should" be the case, then that may make things easier. It made it a lot easier for me when I realised that part of me could still feel male from the life that I had but still be essentially female instead of thinking "why is part of me male, does this mean that perhaps I shouldn't transition?" and feeling worse because of this.

Phairrose · Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Posts: 88

Lot's of agreement with the lack of excitement..

DreadfulFerretofDoom · Joined: 13 Mar 2007 Posts: 65 Location: USA,Indiana

lostandconfusedsoul wrote:

[quote=]Arghhh this is so confusing. When I see an attactive girl I don't know if I want to be with her, or be her myself. Confused

:/[/quote]That reminds me when I was back in school I really don't find girls attractive anymore with rare exceptions.I never felt attracted to guys though.Never had a relationship never had the guts and the girl I had a crush on back in school I think was strait anyway, but I can dream.

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Claudia wrote:

I can relate to you when you say you look androgynous, I'm 19 and I can still pass as either if I choose to, but naturally, it's as female whenever I can. You seem to have an intellectual and analytical approach to this matter, but this can only get you so far, I know the feeling, since I got myself into such loops that any train of thought or sense of identity was completely lost - maybe if you lean towards where your instincts tell you to go and what makes you feel good, rather than what "should" be the case, then that may make things easier. It made it a lot easier for me when I realised that part of me could still feel male from the life that I had but still be essentially female instead of thinking "why is part of me male, does this mean that perhaps I shouldn't transition?" and feeling worse because of this.

I've read part of your blog before. We seem to have a lot alike... Anyways... when do you think it's "too late"? I'm 14 now, btw. I don't really get sexually aroused anymore. I confuse myself so much. I like war stuff like a typical guy, but I like the action (I just like the aderline rush O.o lol), and I like being tactical (gifted mind = loves problem solving). Some people say I'm a bit "emo", due to my pessimistic attuditle, liking meaningful songs, and sometimes I make up a poem or too (Never purposly though O.o. THey still come out good O.o). I'm influenced by a girl I like, another I've been rejected from her. I just can't make the decision now... I don't have engough experience in life... desipiste my "genuisness", I'm still so confused. When I think I've found the anwser, the "key", I just find more questions, more locks...

**ice maiden** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2691

Quote:

Quote:
Why do I seem so dazed all the time? I'm always spaced out, and never excited about anything..

it is my belief that trans have some insensitivity to 'stuff that gives you a buzz'

I know one of our forum members is a pilot, i was insanely obsessed with windsurfing and speed sailing - not for the feint hearted

i think trans live on such a high all the time in life they need to push on to get a kick

i mean for most 'average' people if you said put on a dress and go shopping and come home alone they would be sweating freaking out and would think it was totally extreme - even drag artist think what they do is extreme - yeah right Razz

try being trans - they would realise its a whole new level - a place where the endorphins have been subdued to be activated by only the most exciting occurances and event - THE BIG ONE (Roller Coaster) Blackpool anyone

I mean lets take Dmae Edna - thats entertainment :\ yet trans live beyond that (audiance thrill) every hour of every day - go figure Wink

XXX

_________________
Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

Claudia · Tzoner Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 227

lostandconfusedsoul wrote:

Claudia wrote:

I can relate to you when you say you look androgynous, I'm 19 and I can still pass as either if I choose to, but naturally, it's as female whenever I can. You seem to have an intellectual and analytical approach to this matter, but this can only get you so far, I know the feeling, since I got myself into such loops that any train of thought or sense of identity was completely lost - maybe if you lean towards where your instincts tell you to go and what makes you feel good, rather than what "should" be the case, then that may make things easier. It made it a lot easier for me when I realised that part of me could still feel male from the life that I had but still be essentially female instead of thinking "why is part of me male, does this mean that perhaps I shouldn't transition?" and feeling worse because of this.

I've read part of your blog before. We seem to have a lot alike... Anyways... when do you think it's "too late"? I'm 14 now, btw. I don't really get sexually aroused anymore. I confuse myself so much. I like war stuff like a typical guy, but I like the action (I just like the aderline rush O.o lol), and I like being tactical (gifted mind = loves problem solving). Some people say I'm a bit "emo", due to my pessimistic attuditle, liking meaningful songs, and sometimes I make up a poem or too (Never purposly though O.o. THey still come out good O.o). I'm influenced by a girl I like, another I've been rejected from her. I just can't make the decision now... I don't have engough experience in life... desipiste my "genuisness", I'm still so confused. When I think I've found the anwser, the "key", I just find more questions, more locks...

Wow that sounds a lot like me too...well your interests should be independent of your gender identity really - when I was younger I was obsessed with statistics and systemising, and also action films as well, typical "boy" stuff really, although this was offset with stereotypical female interests such as dolls, co-operative games and romance - but that is besides the point, you should go where your mind feels it's right - perhaps without thinking about every aspect of what your doing, this can be very much against your natural way of thinking, it certainly was for me, but it paid off in the end. I said to myself that it was something I desperately needed to resolve, so I just went ahead and changed my gender role in one safe area of my life - something that was completely reversible and generally risk free, and then my development went from there. However, it's perfectly normal to have doubts, I still have them from time to time, perhaps you need more time, but 14 is not necessarily too young to know your gender identity, although most doctors probably wouldn't take you seriously until you were legally an adult. However, here are some questions which you don't necessarily have to answer fully, but may provoke some thought:

You get to choose now whether to have a fully male or female body. After this the decision is irreversible, there is no way out - which would you choose?

Would you prefer to shift between male and female as you pleased?

Imagine that you will never be female - your body will continue to become more masculine every day and continue to live as man for the rest of your life - how does this make you feel?

You wake up one morning and you suddenly discover that breasts are forming and your body is turning female - how does this make you feel?

People start calling you "darling" or "madam" and "she" - does this make you happier?

And likewise, how does being called "mate", "sir" and "he" feel to you?

Hope these questions can help!

I think the key question is not to think about WHY but just BE. Even scientists don't know the full answer as to why transgenderism exists and I certainly can't explain fully WHY I feel this way - I just ended up in futile circles - so perhaps if you change your approach to how you feel, you may be able to make some progress.

_________________
It's never too late to be who you might have been. - Mary Ann Evans

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Life's been a bit busier lately, but it seems like maybe I'll just be happy just living as a guy. Donno if it's turth, I"m still under of the influence of liking a girl. Meanwhile I've been acting more carefree, and let my hair a bit longer.. long enough to a bit of it can be tucked back. The only thing that prompted me here was after I heard a couple of girls saying how I'm the only guy they talk to a lot. I also found that I"m the only "nice guy" they know. Maybe it's because I'm just that sort of person, being nice to people, (I'm often very infulenunel in groups, with people seeing me as the wise man who know what's best - so they do what I say. So many questions... yet I can't find an answer...

**thefishkeeper** · Advisor Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 1487 Location: Reading

We all have those same questions and not all ways getting the answers, in fact some times the answers take for ever but thgen one day..WHAM.. you get hit with the one your after and the day becomes sunny. Till the next question.

You say that you do not know if you want to be a woman, well we have all been there too. It's some thing that can not be sorted out there and then, you have to be a hundred percent sure of what you want. You need to experiment a bit more, talk to others (not only here but out in the world, see the libary for places to meet). If I was Ice I would have put up the link, but I aint that clever, sorry.

I think it was very nice of those girls who said that you were easy to talk to, that's a great start. You could use that as a foundation.

What ever you decide do not make any brash desions ok.

Wink

_________________
" Too many years fighting the tears, Why can't the past just die. Try to for give, teach me to live, give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears, no more gazing across the wasted years, help me to say. Goodbye"
From Phantom Of The Opera

Fishkeeper is Admin staff for FTM's.
My Bio. http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm
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feel free to browse

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Watching girls... wearing nice dresses to graduation. I was kinda julous. I've realized something, though, I'm a split person. My brains like 50/50 male/female. AKA, as I boy, I would be a girly boy, and as a girl, I would be a tomboy. I guess it's a blessing and a curse, because I could see both sides of the genders well. Although now I'm stuck. I can't be a boy, and I can't be a girl. I guess I have a worst-case sanerio, I mean like, if I was really really girly then I can go on to the sex change, but I'm just stuck in the middle! This is really messed up Confused

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