Not much new to report. I changed all my cards and ID's and all of that [fun stuff] today, which I thought was going to be a nightmare. Face to face with people who realize you're going from female to male... but the worst was standing in line waiting to be seen.

One lady at the bank said, 'I'm changing your records now, I just need to know whether you want Ms or Miss?' I said, 'Well, I'd prefer Mr.' And then she was quite happy about that.

The other lady at my other bank started telling me about her friend Joe who changed his name and was sick of people calling him 'Jodie.' Hmm, the people you meet.

I also was talking to a friend of mine about my transition and I told him I was expecting someone not to understand, you know, waiting for that one person who will flip out. And he said I have really good friends. I had to agree.

Anyway. I said all this just because I wanted to post a link.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/node/1065561

This is a pep talk from Neil Gaiman for other authors who are writing a novel and are stuck in that horrible part after the middle, which is where I've been at for close to six months on my novel.

I love Neil Gaiman.

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

My housemate's mother is in the hospital with countless forms of internal cancer, including liver cancer, that nothing can be done about. A couple of months ago they told her she had three months to live at the most. All she wants to do is stay alive long enough to see her first grandchild be born in seven weeks. Today the doctor's told my housemate that was pretty unlikely.

My housemate and I were in a five year relationship before I came out as trans, but we have been best friends ever since and pretty much still are.

He knows I don't do emotions well, so when people cry in front of me I just close up. I have no idea how to cope with this situation. I don't know how to comfort him and I have no idea how to behave around him and I know it is going to get worse as the days pass.

I feel incredibly selfish, but at the moment we have his mother's best friend staying at our place so he has that emotional support, because they've known each other for ages. I feel like as if they think I am this cold outsider completely oblivious to their pain.

It fucked me up tonight because they were talking tonight in the lounge room and they both started crying. I should be able to offer him support! I should be able to reach over and hug him or something! But I didn't! I can't. What the fuck is wrong with me?

And everything is so much worse because my mum was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma - which is a form of bone cancer, I think - last year, and I know I am going to be going through the same thing soon.

So, as happens when I am depressed, I have been thinking about my own life and what a fuck up I have made of it. I write things in here because I am so lonely and have no one to talk to. I seriously believe in my head that I am going to be lonely forever. I don't see a way that things will ever change for me. I know there are meant to be people out there who don't care about gender or whatever, but I have a multitude of different issues that I can't see anyone ever wanting me for who I am.

I'm sorry. Ignore this ramble, I just had to get it out. I will be over my depression soon.

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

It can be very hard to show compassion even when you do feel it. Apart from the dogs, I only can hug my girlfriend (I mean whe she's upset) and it comes naturally, in all other cases I just can't touch people.
But I kind of can talk, so it helps.

I'm sorry you're feeling so depressed but it's not the situation with your housemate's mother would turn to better. It's just that time, you do not have a choice but to live through it.

About your own life... I only can say, do not get desperate. You really do not know what life has in stock for you. It might be something you never even dared to hope to get.

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I have to EDIT because I can't SPELL!!

There is no need to be sorry for your post. Blogs are for getting feelings out and I think writing things down does help. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, people handle emotions in different ways, try not to feel too guilty. I'm sure being there with your housemate is helping even if you don't realise it.

As for being lonely forever, I've felt the same way before and when things aren't so good it can be easy to believe that things will never change but they can. In reality we just don't know what the future holds for us. Friendship or love can be found sometimes in the most unlikely of places and times.

I hope you're feeling better soon Oliver.

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Hey Juz and Chrissy.

Thanks heaps for your support. Sometimes I get really down in the dumps. I'm just thankfull it wasn't for a longer period of time.

I guess I had a lot of shit on my mind.

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Don't know if anyone is interested by I have uploaded some short films I wrote and directed on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/thedarkestgray

If any of you are interested in checking them out.

My favourite is Glamour, but That Time of the Month got a heap of laughs at the screening, if you stick with it until the end that is. I find it a bit boring.

They're not great, but hey, practice makes for better films in the future.

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

Has anyone become incredibly pissed off for passing?

Or is it just me?

The one place, that I know of, that I haven't changed my name with is Centrelink, which is a government Social Services thing here in Australia, and they pay me for being a student, or being on the dole or whatever. I haven't changed my name with them yet because I detest them and don't think they should have the right to know who I am (petty I know, by hey).

Recently I have switched from being a student to becoming a 'job seeker' and they made me register with a job network that asists in helping you find a job, even though, as I explained to them, I need no help and have a job already that starts next week, but they cut me off and now I have no way of paying my rent, so I have to obey them for a bit longer and register with their stupid job network.

Anyway. I was at this job network place and I heard one of them say, 'So Jenifer's here?' to a receptionist.

So after a brief deliberation he came over to where everyone sat waiting. There was about four of us, me, two other guys and a girl.

This guy stood over the girl next to me and said, 'Jenifer?'

I perked up and said, 'no, that's me,' but he didn't hear me as he was intent of gaining the attention of this girl, who of course wasn't listening because it wasn't her he was addressing.

He repeated to her and I had to raise my voice and gain his attention before he looked at me quite strangely, possibly debating it in his head whether indeed I could have been me.

I guess the fact that I have to use my old name is what pisses me off more than the fact that I pass. And that everyone around was probably going, 'that's a girl!?'

If only all this was over!

I'll give in and change my name with them tomorrow I think.

I guess if I wasn't passing I would be bitching about that as well.

And, I know I said I was going to inform everyone about the Pack 'n' Pee that I bought from Home Grown, and I will, but it is late and I haven't recieved it yet. Hopefully any day now! Not a good start, but I still have faith...

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

Hehe, I could really visualise that situation as I read it. It sounds a little like a situation I had on the phone a couple of weeks ago.

I have a credit card that I don't use anymore and I am still paying it off and I never told them about changing my name either because I thought it was hassle and I'd have it paid off soon anyway. Well I missed a payment and they rang me up, it was whilst my boyfriend was visiting me too. Well they didn't believe I was the guy they were wanting to speak with because I sounded nothing like a guy on the phone. I had to explain about being trans to them and then answer loads of security questions for them to believe me. I could have tried using my old voice but I was too embarrassed to with my boyfriend there and I can't do my old voice very well anymore anyway.

I took it as a compliment and like your situation it was a little annoying but I think passing is still better than not passing, I think I'd prefer moaning about passing well, lol.

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

the thrill of passing has long worn off for me.

cant even set foot in a public toilet without getting hassled, lol. [fortunately i rarely use the womens anymore]

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"...risk something, take back whats yours, say something that you know they might attack you for..."

Good for you Nathan.

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I nearly got into an argument with the lady at the bank yesterday, after I recieved a letter from them with MS on it. I was pissed off.

I was being served by one lady, and arguing with her boss behind her, because the first one didn't know what was going on. The one behind her remembered me from when I first came into the bank and changed my name. She told me she couldn't change the MS to MR because it clashes with the gender they have on profile. I asked her why she couldn't change the MALE to FEMALE on the profile and she said, 'why do you think I can't change it?' which I understand is a completely valid point, I mean I am sure they check every customer to see what genitalia are hidden under their clothes upon application...

So. After a brief discussion, that no, I hadn't had surgery and whatever, of which I am sure she had no right to ask about anyway, I think she ended up changing my profile to male. I think it was because she had no idea what to do and was sure I was about to turn volatile, so she did it to calm the storm.

Only time will tell whether I get another letter saying MS though.

If my credit card bill wasn't so high I would tell the bank to shove it and sign up somewhere else, but I can't until I've paid it off.

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Other news. My housemates mum died a couple of days ago. She was pretty bad in the end and I think it was better on her, and her family, that now she's finally gone. And my housemate seems to be coping pretty well about it. I think he dealt with it while she was in hospital.

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I'm loosing hope on getting my prosthetic from Home Grown. It's been at least two weeks over the date he said he was going to have made it. I sent him an email early this week but I have had no reply... I'll send another one, then start to get nasty.

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I started a new job working night shift. It's strange because I am male there and they are the only people who know me completely by my male name and refer to me as 'he'. I've been asked what my heritage is in relation to my name, and what heritage my parents are and all sorts... It's got me thinking that people take you from who you present as. I mean, I thought it was obvious to most people that I am trans. I'm not on T so I can't grow a beard or anything to appear more masculine, but I do what I can, but even after a while of knowing me I thought people would suspect.

I guess I have no idea what they are thinking so perhaps they do think something is 'strange' about me, or not quite 'right'. But, on the other hand, I don't think many 'regular' people have any idea about transgendered/transsexual people. Not that it's a problem in my life, but I think it's interesting.

Okay. I'll shut up for now.

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

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Whatever it takes to Escape.

I FINALLY got my prosthesic from Home Grown!

Overall I am pretty happy with it. It's not great but this is my first, so maybe I have no reason to complain. I'll stick some pictures up when the site finally comes back on line because I can't even remember what the name of the one I purchaced was called...

I'm thinking of giving it some piercings...

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Whatever it takes to Escape.