Hello, i'm new here, and only 13, i was scared to post here, but after reading a few posts, this place seems pretty friendly....
I'm biologically Male but have been unsure about my gender identity since i was very young, but only have really become really depressed about it since a few months ago, i blame it on puberty.

When i was about 2-3, i always liked to wear pink, dresses and put on wigs and makeup. I hated playing with cars and trucks and all that stuff that my parents gave me, i preffered playing with my sisters toys (dolls...) but my parents never liked that! I crossdressed until i was only about 5 because i knew that my parents hated it! I felt embarrased to do it, especially infrount of my sister and father. By this age, my interests had turned towards video games, but not the violent kind, the platformer kind (pretty gender neutral)....anyway. I still crossdressed in secret after that, but i always felt paranoid about getting caught, so i stopped doing it at the age of 7 maybe 8 but i still felt like a girl inside. After that, i tried not to give my parents any impression that i was transgender, any sleeveless shirts I didn't wear, anything pink or just anything that looked "gay", in truth, i would of rather wore those things than any of this male crap my parents through at me. I hated wearing Dark shirts, anything that looked male, i didn't mind wearing gender neutral shirts or pants, but i was more of a fan of dresses. I HATED wearing belts or jeans, i refuse to wear belts or jeans to this day. I refuse to war swimmers without the top and my mum FORCES me to cut my hair, against my will, i tell her because "its just a waist of time and money" but i know the real reason.

I would be happy to wait until i'm 18 to finally come out of the closet, get "ops" and take hormones and such, but my main issue is the fact that puberty will make alot of things in my body irreversable such as wide shoulders, deep voice, growth of jaw, chin, brow etc
The fact is, i would like to start on hormones or just block my testosterone but i am petrafied about comming out of the closet for many reasons...not one person in my entire like knows i have these feeling about my gender. My parents are very homophobic (not as homophobic as an army officer ) and since they are homophobic, i sense that they would be very transphobic too (usually people who are homophobic are even more transphobic)....My parents always make rude remarks about gay and transgender people like "poof" and "faggit", i laugh along because otherwise they would think that i am one too. I have a sneaking suspicion that my parents suspect something, especially my mother. She realises that i pluck my eyebows, maybe has found my hoard of jewelery but she knows. Maybe i'm just paranoid.

I have felt depressed for years now, and i think its due to my gender issues, frankly i would like to just cut my balls off there and there (i've actually tried pulling an elasic band around them to cut the blood supply) but i'm not quite sure.
Telling me to tell my GP or Parents is like telling me to stab myself in the eye, i just cant do it......but testosterone will kick in soon and i have no way to stop it. Besides, normally doctors give HRT after i turn 16 or so, TOO LATE!

i would prefer to remain anonymous, i guess you could call me coyote or something...

Hello Coyote!

You have such a remarkable recall of your very earliest years, and such an unusual background of wearing wigs and make-up at age two, that I must recommend you to contact Mermaids, a well-established registered charity providing support and information for gender variant children and teens, their families and friends.

You and your parents can find the Mermaids website here:

http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/

Good Luck!

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http://www.spinwatch.org/

Hi coyote, welcome to tzone.

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The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Hi coyote, welcome to tzone.

As Stella has suggested, the best place to start is by contacting Mermaids - I'm sure they'll be able to help you. There's also an organisation called Depend, who offer support to parents, family members and friends of trans people. Finally, there are a number of LGBT Youth Groups around the country who might also be able to provide support for you. For instance, there's one in Manchester called LGYM - they have a virtual trans youth worker available. More information about LGBT Youth groups nationally can be found here - you never know, there might be something in your area.

Dave

Just to repeat:
Mermaids! Mermaids! Mermaids!

I wasnt at your stage until my early 20's so I havent been there myself, but I've never heard a bad word about it. Definatly worth a look there

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I look back at most of my life and think "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!??"

Hi coyote and welcome to tzone.

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
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