This is going to be my 3rd appointment.
I'm not sure what i really expected of myself just maybe that what i have done isnt enough and i should have done more, i dont really know...
I guess maybe i expected things to move quicker or be easyier with out thinking about whats involved in the whole process.
I had wanted to start IPL in Jan. But Hair removal involves money and that took me 4 months to sort out my job so i could afford it.

I suppose i should be Thinking about what i have done even if its not TS related. I've come out to my parents, stopped Uni started working Full time, Saved some money booked my First IPL appointment, picked a name, started Voice Training, grown my hair, gone out as myself.

Maybe im just feeling abit down and taking it out on myself. I've been a feeling a bit off for a while and we lost my Grandad about 2 weeks ago which upset me alot. I was really Close to him, He was one of those people that you would expect to live for ever. I know he had a lot wrong with him medically but he always seemed to pull through.

Jess

Awww, I'm really sorry to hear about your granddad.

D&C wrote:

This is going to be my 3rd appointment. I'm not sure what i really expected of myself just maybe that what i have done isnt enough and i should have done more, i dont really know...

I don't think you need to do X or Y by the Nth appointment. It sounds like you have achieved a lot though, so well done . I think there is so much to do and I know it can seem daunting sometimes and depressing like things are taking forever. I've only just started electrolysis myself and I have my 3rd appointment at CX coming in about 3 weeks time. As far as I know after the first 2 appointments they are just like a 30 minute general chat about how things are going, until you get to the surgery referral appointments of course. So try to feel relaxed, you're just going in for a friendly chat, I'm sure it will be fine. Who have you got to see?

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
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Thanks, I'm going to miss him loads

I've got Dr James Barrett, I saw him on my intial appointment and he was really helpfull. I guess I was just a little worried they are going to turn around and say you have done enough come back when you've done xyz. I know thats not how it works but was still a fear in the back of my mind.
when i think about it i have at least started on my way and accpected who i am, compared to a year or so ago I have accomplished alot more than i have given my self credit for and have at least set my life up so i can afford things like IPL.
Jess

Had my consultation for IPL today at 12. I was very nervous not so much about actually having it done more about how the clinic was and the people there.
It went really well the lady that saw me was really nice, very chatty and friendly explained everything that she did and what was involved in the whole process. Had a patch test done that was really wierd not what i would have expected. Had these huge sunglass type googles on there was a sort of tug and a bright flash and a smell of something burning lol
I got some pleasure at the smell of those hair/follicales being burnt away never to return lol
Got my first full session on tuesday which im really looking forward to wish it was monday night already lol
What did suprise me is that the appointments are spaced 6 weeks apart, I guess i should have asked if there was any particular reason for this or if it was because they are booked up for at least that long.
Finally getting this has put me on a little high and im feeling better than i have done in a few weeks

Jess

Have had a really wierd day today, I finally decided to tell a friend about me being TS.
I sent her a message, had major writers block and couldnt think of how to put what i wanted to say down. So my message proberly sounded really bad.
Kept my self busy helping my nan sort out some stuff and put up a new bed for her. when i finally got back to check my mail. My friend had replied and she seems fine about it, I guess it shouldnt have been a shock for me since she's is a really nice person. I've seen a side of her not many others have and she must trust me with the stuff she has confided in me. she seemed happy that i trusted her enough to tell her.

Then tonight we was back home trying to move a matress up stairs to the bedroom. As usual my brother wasn't pulling his weight this annoyed me as i was left to struggle and it annoyed my mum who had offered to help.
She said something can't remember exactly what, and i snapped at her then stormed off outside to cool down. It was really out of character for me i havent been like that in a longtime and never with my mum.
anyway she came outside after 10mins of struggling by her self to sort the matress out with my brother not helping at all now and just watching. I got really upset burst into tears and apoligiesed to her for snapping especially at her.
I don't know what happened, but it felt like a dam busting and pent emotions just flooded out and my poor mum was in the way of it all.

Jess

been talking alot with my friends since i told her. she was a little suprised and thought i was winding her up to start with. She said she know me to well to know i wouldnt joke about it with something like that. Told her i was worried about telling and she wished i had told her when she was home and that she'll be my friend no matter what its the person inside not out that she likes and she'll support me no matter what.

Finally got my new contract signed so im now offically a fulltimer so my reign of overtime is over lol. It's nice now i can finally book some time off in the week. not that im planning to be there much more than a month or 2 but it might make it easy to get a transfer to another store now im a fulltimer, I dont mind having to drop my hours down to part time just as long as i can get some sort of money coming in to cover my few bills.

Got a busy week this week not just work have my first full IPL session today at 11 which im really looking forward to. I'm working a night shift tonight 8pm to 5am to help work out then tomorrow i've got my CHX appointment at 10.30.
Already my plans failed me wanted to stay up really late last night sleep till 10ish this morning but we got my mums brother staying downstairs so that was a nono to watching tv all night couldnt stay in the loft room playing games because it keeps them awake with me moving around. so i tried to watch something in bed on my portable dvd but thats a nearon imposibblity for me i just fall asleep lol.
Hopefully the rest of my day will go smoothly going straight to bed when i get home from work in the morning hopefully i can get 3 hours of sleep before i have to get up and ready for my appointment. i might even try for some sleep before i go to work but thats doubtfull lol

Jess

well my IPL went well im a little bit red just above my lip, so i decided to follow there advice and stay home and keep it cool. Booked my self in for another 6 weeks whilst i was there. but if its to soon she said i can defer my appointment by 2 weeks.
My stubble feels really wierd its not prickly like before but it has a crispy sort of texture really wierd lol.
Decided i'd put a picture of me as my avatar i thought i what the hell if anyone see's it i dont care. If they did see it well i'd wonder what they where doing in a TS related forum anyways lol.
I proberly should try to sleep before i start work 2nite or come tomorrow im going to be so tired for my appointment. Thought id save some time by sorting out my clothes now, should means i can sleep longer in the morning. just need to sort out about trains and check for any delays

Jess

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

lol didnt realise how dark it was i proberly messed something up on the camera trying to sort out the autotimer thingy, Will give it another go maybe this time i can work the camera better lol

Work last night went pretty well few hickups but nothing that was my fault, just a problem with the system being down for updates which ment i couldn't print any advertising so i just did some other stuff instead. got home around 5:15am jumped straight in to bed and slept until my alarm went off.
Thought id have plenty of time to get ready and leave until my mums brother turned up so by the time he left it was 9:20 takes me 15 mins to get to the train station and the train journey takes about 45mins so i could just make it on time. I got ready gathered my stuff stepped outside and shut the door and forgot to pick up my keys so now i can't get back in or Drive to the station. the bus takes up to 45 mins to get to the statoin so thats a nono. Had to ring my brother to meet me so i could get his keys to let me in the house that took me 20mins.
I rang up CHX to tell them id be late they where really nice and lucky enough someone had cancelled so she said if i miss my appointment they can slot me in at 12 so it wasn't all bad. Turns out i did miss my appointment got there at 11 so i had to wait an hour but at least they saw me.

Had a good appointment aswell Dr Barrett gave me some advice on a few things and put my mind at ease on some others i was worried about. so i have another appointment in september

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Yeah i was really worried about missing it, I know the wait for another appointment can be a while. Plus i really hate being late for anything im either really early or dead on time never late lol

Something else happened on the way to my appointment that i'd completely forgot about. I parked in my works carpark since It's just around the back of the train station, ran to the the station and just caught the first train out. I'd just got to the next station when my phone rang.
A friend of mine had just got in to town and noticed my car. He asked what shop i was in. So i told him i was on a train. He asked where i was going, so i said into town to have a wander. He asked to come aswell. I just went blank, he doesn't know im TS so i didnt want to say hospital or anything like that incase he asked why. So i just said i needed to get out of the house and wander about somewhere and i didnt think to ask him.

I really wish i had said something to him now although over the phone on a train proberly wouldnt have been a good idea lol
I felt a bit bad afterwards for fobbing him off, so i sent him a message and apoligiesed and said i had stuff on my mind and wanted to sort some things out. Which although a bit vague wasnt completly a lie. I still felt a big bad. I think im proberly gonna tell him next.

Jess

Well this year and May in general has been really shitty.
Practically the whole of the first 3 months my grandad had been in hospital, my other nan lost her sight and had to go in to a respite home.
Then may comes along first off my grandad passed away then 4 weeks later my nan passed away. Has been really hard on both my mums and the rest of the family.
So its been really hard to talk to my parents about anything with out me feeling a bit selfish. I hate offloading my problems on other people anyway im the sort of person that sits there and trys to deal with it myself.
But i really needed to talk to them both, tell them what if been doing how my appointments have been going and what i plan on doing. So i decided to write them a letter again was only ment to be a short one turns out i wrote about 4 sides of A4 lol. I did tell them about everything though and i said to them i really needed to tell them both but the way things are going it didnt seem fair. I know how much they have to deal with at the moment so i said to them when they are ready to come and speak to me, it gives them chance to digest everything, think about it and gives them time to recover from the last month.
Mum made a comment to my brother this morning about him being a bit inconsiderate and not at all like me, I actually nearly started to cry. so i think they really appreciated the letter but im sure they come speak to me after the funeral maybe.

In other news i finaly told my Dad to basically piss off. Iv'e humoured him for to long now.
He walked a few days before my 16 birthday, came in to our room in the morning said " im off will see you when every" and that was the last i heard from him. No hug no im going to miss you both, no i love you just a bye.
He's come down and visited his friends never us nor would he ever ring. then a about 2 years ago he started sending us Birthday cards. no news of his life or how you doing? just happy Birthday best wishes dad.
His parents "my Grandparents" dont have anything do do with us i havent heard from them in 8 years i think. I did intialy try to keep in contact with him but unless i called or i made the effort it was to much for him. I told him I have his address when im ready to speak to him again ill contact him.
I have two great parents now who are both understanding and loving and most of all open minded. They are my true parents my dad was just a sperm doner.

Jess

Hmm Today im Tired and some what depressed

I know why im tired still trying to catch up from doing a 10nHalf hour night shift on tuesday night 3 hours sleep over 38 hours didnt do me much good, but more money and it's easyier to get my work done convinced me.

Havent Felt depressed in a long while. Think im just having a downer. I Just want to leave work and hide under the duvet today. Was talking to a friend at work he kept telling me to go to the docs. He said about talking to my mum or him if i need to. Was a nice offer but i thought if i start off loading all my problems on you your gonna thing im a psycho lol. An mum has enough on her plate at, plus she knows what on my mind anyway.
Funny thing really cause i was telling him the same thing a bout seeing a Doc 3-4 months ago. Told him ill see how i go over the next week or so I have an appointment on friday next week to see about the results of my blood test. Also gonna mention about my throat and nose. My nose seems to be blocked 90% of the time and my throat's full of gunk which isnt nice either.

Jess

OoOo got a copy of the letter that CHX sent my GP never had that before.
Just basically overviewed what i told him at my appointment, then goes on to mention when i plan to start living fulltime and says that if i succeed then they are in a postion to start me on Hormones. He went on to say about reminding me to sort out about my high cholesteral, which im doing now, Results are gonna be in on friday (fingers crossed).
It was a bit of a suprised and kinda Cheered me up a fair amount so thats good. Moving seems to be drawing closer still no date but everything is going through, thats another major happy thing.
I do think im going to have to sit my parents down again and have another chat with them, they have been fairly quiet about what i told them and im a bit concerned they aren't as ok as they intially made out to me. I know they are dealing with alot at the moment so maybe its that and im worrying about nothing.

Really looking forward to my next ipl session the results where pretty amazing the hair is much finer, im not having to shave every day, im sort of lasting a day and half and its gone really blonde so its not noticeable till the next day.

Jess

Well im still feeling depressed it's got to the point where i might have to ask my doctor for some meds again. I'm really trying to get my self out of it without them but nothing seems to be working, 70% of the problem is work. Im feeling a bit used and abused atm every 5 minutes i'm getting called to finish a job somelse started or start something else that needs doing. while other people get away with doing bugger all. I just try to grit my teeth and stick with it though, an keep thinking to myself that i wont have to put up with it for much longer.

Got a sparkly new windscreen for my car today had a crack in it from a stone jumping up. only problem is i cant use it for about 7 hours while it sets :S
Shame the claim is taking much longer than i'd hope though. The guys insurance company is saying they arent admitting liabilty even though i have a witness just because she's a neighbour. For a start she lives 3 doors down and across the road and my car was parked outside my house who do they thing would witness it grrr. I think they are just trying to stall it so ill stop the claim. Problem is im pretty stubborn and unless im going to buy a new car i can wait for a long time for this to go though lol

Also got a hair cut, i was really reluctent to have it done cause i had at least 2 inches cut out of it. but its layered and much lighter now proberly a good thing since it's starting to get hot, just means i wont have it cut for a while. I have to say i do like it and i've had a few nice comments about it so it cant be that bad lol

Jess