Ive been dressing on and off since i was five, although always in secret. more and more over the last few years i have been thinking and reading about transitioning, but im just not sure.

and i guess if im not sure then i shouldnt do it, but then the thought of living my life and never doing fills me with sadness.

even just coming out as tv and maybe living for a woman for a while would mean making huge sacrifices and is daunting, what if its not what i want and i make all those sacrifices for nothing

but then part of me is thinking that i dont have a choice, i am on a road and cant get off - i could use some guidance

im julie, 32 btw and in n london

almost every transperson tv cd or whatever label you wish feel like this at some stage

what if you do this and it turns out you have 'marked' you card for ever

its a bit like opening Pandoras Box in that once you come out its very hard to go back in

this is scary as hell - probably the scariest thing apart from facing your own death

as for many this can or maybe a social death - you may find that coming out leads to isolation loss of employment opportunities - you may become depressed and insolvent

however

can you continue as you are - is that really a possibility to spend the rest of your life as a person you know you can never be

to be a 'fraud' to lie to everyone all the time - to know deep down inside that nothing can be worse than this feeling - as at the moment you may feel very lonely indeed maybe even the worst kind of loneliness

only you can make these decisions - they are serious life changing and life challenging issues that need a great deal of thought and a great deal of support

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

Hi Julie

I was 36 when I decided that transition was the only way forward. Up until this point, I'd tried every way I could to be a man, but nothing worked. In the end it came down to a choice:

1) Drink myself to death
2) Transition

It took me eighteen months to learn what I could and then another three months to find the courage to go to the doctor's.

Ice is right. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.

lilthlondon wrote:

i guess if im not sure then i shouldnt do it, but then the thought of living my life and never doing fills me with sadness.

I used to have this dilemma. I suggest you explore yourself quietly somewhere where friends and family won't find out. I know that sadness and it's worth getting rid of, however you manage it.

Hang around here for a while and you'll learn much.

Reenie xx

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The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Thanks both of you

Reenie, i gess im where you are now, im not suicidal, i have a wonderful son i love and many close friends, but i drink myself to sleep everynight

i do need to find that safe space to exploe, but i dont know where to look. id love to meet some rl friends who can help support and advise me but everytime i try it just seems that people are looking to shag each other ... not that id never say never lol, but whats not what i need

id feel a fraud going to a TS support group, even if i could find one, i look and act like a man and im too shy to come out dressed to a group right now

and the TV scene just seems to be all about sex

feeling a little sorry for myself right now i guess, but any suggections would be appreciated

julie x

if you're not ready to go out to trans groups yet that absolutely fine and normal. at the beginning, until you accept yourself, there's always feelings of doubt among trans people and feeling out of place.

my advice would be to mix online with trans people and cisgendered people as a woman. see how that makes you feel about yourself as a person. does it make you feel good? like you're for once being yourself?

eventually, with some time, things will become clear. promise.

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forum moderator

thanks william, thats kinda whats happening to me, i joined second life a couple of months ago and since then am realising that it really does make me feel like im being myself ... for the first time ever
i guess
im keen to take the next step, which is taking it into real life and see how that feels, but im just not sure how to go about it

julie x

groups may be a bit too daunting at this stage. being in a group of people who know each other but don't know you is always a little awkward at first, especially if you feel you don't fit in or feel intimidated because they're so sure of their identities.

i think maybe going somewhere with another trans person (either in public or not), say shopping for example, just to get used to doing the scary first time out thing with someone who understands what it's like and can support you.

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forum moderator

id love that but i dont know how to meet anyone really. im a little shy about approaching people and what do you do, just send an email to a stranger saying hi, will you be my friend lol

i guess thats maybe what im saying with this thread, hi, you dont know me, im really sweet, will you be my friend

omg that sounds pathetic, i just want to meet someone like me in in rl and talk and i dont know how to go about that without going to a support group or a club, which im too scared to do

btw thanks for the advice william, sorry if im putting up barriers

julie x

you're not putting up barriers, all your reservations and concerns are normal and common.

in my opinion i think the best way would be to roam as many tg sites as you can and just post normally, not thinking about 'trying to find someone' and eventually you'll just get to know people and feel comfortable with them, and of course there'll be opportunities to meet.

heck, i'm in northern ireland and i thought i'd never meet another trans person but i've met quite a few!

don't put pressure on yourself to do it right away, just make some mates online first

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forum moderator

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

thanks ice, thats one of the things i was worried about. id really like some personal counselling or something but i cant seem to find anywhere, im broke btw, so was wondering if there was any charities or anything that did one-to-one support

Hi Julie,

it's very common for CDs and part-timers to go to support and friendship groups in their work-a-day clothes carrying their kit in a sports bag, and then change in a back room when they get there. Some groups have a dressing room set aside for this purpose.

Don't be taken in by doctored internet images of what trans folk look like: only a few MtFs look much like natal women on close acquaintance, and fewer still when they move and speak and interact.

Good Luck!

Hey there

Aside from meeting people (which is a very useful thing to do, in helping to understand yourself!), there are HEAPS of things you can do to help you work out what you'd like to do, in terms of how to live your life:

Trying out different clothes at home, and spending an hour/day/afternoon regularly dressed as a woman, or in more unisex clothes - try out lots of different styles, and see what clothes you tend to look forward to wearing. If you need help getting clothes, let us know, there's heaps of ways to do it. eg mail order, buying from e-bay, going to cheap second hand stores and buying lots of cheap clothes to try, going into shops with your measurements written down, and if anyone asks you are buying for your sister

subtle crossdressing in day-to-day life. eg wearing pink socks, or women's underwear, or having your toenails painted red. Stuff that you will be aware of but others wont.

Sometimes pretend in your head that people are seeing you as a woman, or as being no gender, and pay attention to how it feels. Eg go shopping in town for your groceries and to the library, and pretend in your mind that you're doing it as a woman...and see how it feels. For me it felt less uncomfortable to pretend I wasnt a woman (I'm a transguy), but it did feel a bit odd at first. After a while though it just felt 'normal'.

Remember that you don't have to neatly fit into ANY category - its about finding out how you'd like to live, and how you'd like people to regard you. You don't have to change ANY part of yourself that you like - its about being YOURSELF! So if no label fits, thats ok...a lot of us have to make up our own labels

Giving yourself EXPERIENCE living/trying out in different gendered ways (eg as a tomboy, or as a feminine woman, or as a crossdresser etc) will be the extremely helpful in working this all out.

Also, giving yourself TIME to mull things over, in which you try your best to be open and accepting of who you might be.

In trying to work yourself out, remember that its not that there's some 'true self' that's waiting to be discovered...its more that there are biological, 'set in stone' aspects of ourselves that guide how we develop our identities, and the experiences we have may allow us or deny us the opportunity to develop an identity that 'fits'. For example, if you biologically have the predisposition to not be able to live comfortably in what is currently understood to be a 'male' identity, you will need experiences living in other gendered ways (eg as a woman, as a 3rd gender) in order to discover and develop a firm identity that fits.


Also, its useful to separate
1) the desire to change your body - or parts of it
from
2) the desire to live as a certain gender

As these 2 things can be mixed in pretty much any combination eg some transpeople..
-are happy living as women, but with male genitalia
-identify both as men and women (at different times), and are happy with totally male bodies (except they shave their bodily hair off).
-identify as women, and want totally female bodies
-identify as androgynes, and want a totally female body
..etc etc
This may help you to work out what you want.

Some people, both crossdressers or transsexuals etc, find that they are sexually turned on when they first start dressing as women. This doesn't mean anything bad, or that you're 'not really' a transsexual. Often its just the first time in your life you feel you like what's looking back in the mirror at you! So there's no huge conclusions to be drawn from this sexual side of things, if it happens.

Hope this helps! Do feel free to tell us about the exact things that are confusing you, we can help you work it all out

*hug*
Sparkz

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Gender nut and site admin...hehe

My trans research has just been published, see it under 't' in the Tzone library: http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/st.htm
(filename begins with 'Transgender People's Identity Development').

Learning how to generate inner and outer peace in the universe and myself.

well i think for easy access and free this place takes some beating

its true its very difficult to get one-2-one counselling GPs statistically only have about 10 mins to spare for counselling

and most psychologists are unaware of the transgender reality

'experts' are expensive

gay charities are often very off the mark

what do you want to talk about

remember therapy is about you open a blog in the social forums and post as if you were talking to a therapist and see what happens

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

you could start with telling us about when you first felt transgender and how did you cope with it

have you told anyone

whats are your earliest memories

what is your relationship with your parents like and what was it like as a child

what makes you angry, what makes you happy - and what makes you sad

open up and just blab and allow a stream of consciousness out and onto the (virtual) paper

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)