Hi


I felt really good recently about wanting to be a girl, literally. I have strong TS feelings.

I thought I was past the "guilty feelings/purging" stages.

Right now tho as I write this, I just......sigh........it's like I just wanna be a normal guy with a normal life. Normal meaning how society portrays normal.

I know due to having these feelings before that they won't last long and the feelings to dress and BE a girl again will come back as strong as ever.

Is this all part of it tho, the dealing with it?


Vicki x


P.S. I still live at home with my parents, who do not know, so I dunno, maybe its pressure to be normal?

Maybe a good thing to do would be to sit down and have a good think about it all or talk about it to someone you really trust and will listen to you about it. Transition isn't something to be handled lightly, especially if you are still questioning it. Sometimes your own happiness comes before that of others, this is one of these times .

_________________
Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here

This was me in my early twenties, and yes, it's all part of the deal, this to-ing and fro-ing. Maybe it will go away eventually, maybe it won't. It didn't for me and I wish I'd known this when I was younger.

Let's suppose that the fairy godmother grants you a wish. Would you be a girl as if you'd always been one?

If you want to be a guy and fit in then are you doing this because it's the easier option? Are you doing this because you genuinely want to or because you feel you have to?

_________________
The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Q.Let's suppose that the fairy godmother grants you a wish. Would you be a girl as if you'd always been one?


A. If I could blink - YES!

OK, so why the need to be a "normal" guy? What to do about the parents?

Being of masculine appearance, I can easily get away with being a guy when I please. I'm a tomboy at heart. None of this compromises my inner female identity.

Parents? They're ageing and I don't feel the need to live my life as their little boy any more. I could have waited until they were departed, but by then I might have been in old age myself.

Fighting "panic and purge" is very stressful and also expensive if you have to keep replacing your wardrobe.

Keep talking and hopefully we can make things a little easier for you.

_________________
The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Its weird, right this very minute, i wanna lead the guy life, but this has happened before and I know the feelings to BE a girl literally will come rushing back at some point as strong as ever.

I was 17 when I finaly pieced together all the pieces of the puzzle about what I am. It scared me, a lot and my first reaction was exactly what you're saying here Vikki. I decieded that I had to try purge my system of all feminity and try to force myself into become a "nomal guy".
The 17 years up to that point hadnt worked, so I joined the Army in 2002 and the most masculine corps I could enlist into (the Infantry). I knew full well that there was a war on in Afghanistan and probably one coming up in Iraq soon too and I saw these as ways to get my personal agenda fullfilled.
Three years later I was honorably discharged. What had changed? Nothing. Even the mythical "evil military brainwashing machine" couldnt make me a man.
I struggled on for a while after this, using the internet to be myself in private. It took over though and I found myself more and more relucatant to leave the PC and go back to pretending to be a man. I lost pretty much everything as I turned into a total recluse and I decieded again that I was going to try get my gender and sex to match, but this time, do it right.
I'm still stuck behind the PC 24/7, alone in my room, because I am still a few months off practicaly bieng able to transition full time.
I've wasted five years of my life, when I could have done something about this and at least somebody else can learn a lesson from my bad example. Trying to "be a man" doesnt work if you're not!
I hate to put the pressure on too, but I've heard it said that you can limit a lot of damage that testorone does by catching it early. Leaving it later could increase the chance of you getting something you deciede to be negative results.
I'd only suggest not transitioning if you honestly think that:
a) You're not sure if you're a girl or not. Personaly, I think the desire to be a girl is enough. It's certainly not something that any guy would seriously want.
b) You'd be unhappier as a girl, or to be more specific, a t-girl (which some people will probably never let you forget).
Whatever you deciede, good luck and best wishes.

_________________
I look back at most of my life and think "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!??"

Ok the latest is ................

as I type this, I'm really really struggling to fight the girl feelings!


I mean this is now Sunday and I've been feeling I could be a guy since late Wednesday/early Thursday.

I really fell.........god I dunno it's hard to describe, it's like I wanna rip my skin off coz I wanna be a girl!!



I know the feelings are starting to come back SO strong again!!

God, I just feel like screaming!!

!


Is all this making sense coz to me it just sounds like a ramble?

Are your male feelings a way of avoiding the female feelings or are they genuine male feelings? This is something you have to know before you(if you) start transition.

Perhaps you could get put onto blockers to allow yourself some breathing space to think through your issues without testosterone in the way. I wouldn't reccomend going on oestrogen though as unlike blockers, the effects of oestrogen can be permenant and if transition was a mistake then oestrogen will leave problems that you probably wouldn't want.

_________________
Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here

Agreed with HFO and Scaeme on this. I too did the signing up on the dotted line and wearing a uniform bit. did the macho stuff too, race and rally cars, offroading, motorbikes, flying etc etc. but i soon realised that i do actually enjoy these persuits i can do so as the woman i should have been. all i can say is take your time, have a good long think and go with your inner feelings, you will know deep inside who you are. I have taken the decision to live for the time being as a man and only be the true me from time to time behind closed doors though i took some cloths out with me and changed in a country lane and went for a drive as the real me. oh being outside and dressed as per me real gender is a wonderous feeling. got changed again before coming home though. now i'm back here and have a skirt and cute top on and feel all the more like i am who i really am for the experience (only the second time i have done that btw).

all the best of luck what ever you decide hun,

Debs X

_________________
I want to be me

Hi again

This is SO weird!



I'm dressed right now.

I trully feel that I am calmer, and I can breathe.


The TS/TG Specialist Clinic appointment is on June 11.

Debs, I'm not allowed to say I enjoyed my job. The PC brigade would protest outside my house and call me a bloodthirsty monster or something
And to Vikki. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Shocking isnt it?

_________________
I look back at most of my life and think "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!??"

Hey there Vicki

how's things going?

Warm wishes
Sparkz

_________________
Gender nut and site admin...hehe

My trans research has just been published, see it under 't' in the Tzone library: http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/st.htm
(filename begins with 'Transgender People's Identity Development').

Learning how to generate inner and outer peace in the universe and myself.

I am at the same stage of my transition Vicki and I'm glad that you made this topic because the answers that you've been given help me too. I'm sure they help a lot of TG's.

I wanted to add something though. I just went out for the first time and was actually so nervous that I left my lights on and ran down the battery. It gave me some really intense minutes to really think about what I expect from myself. I noted to myself that if I am going to be Vanessa then I can't just stop at my appearance. That really gave me the confidence I needed to walk the right way when I had to walk the two blocks to the club, as well as talk with the right inflection when I got to the club. It felt good to know that it wasn't that tough to be who I was trying to be.

My only issue is that after I got home and had to redress myself, take my face off, and other things it started to bug me that I really didn't pass. Sure I didn't pass in public but I also felt like an outcast when I entered the club! The club was T friendly but the only other 'girls' present were the professionals, and they . . . were . . . STUNNING. I would have never guessed that they were TG (very possibly TS).

I felt like a faker. I felt like they all were looking down on me as if I was just an employee at some Disneyland TG restaurant who only does it because 'he' needs the money.

My point is that I don't like to fake anything. That means that I don't have any options because "I can't quite you Vanessa," I don't want to be seen as a visitor by the TG community, and I don't think Transitioning would be an acceptable options in the field I'm going into. It's very disheartening to think that my only option is to be dissatisfied.

-----------------------------------------

As a side note: It is so interesting to me that I can feel like I am the only person to have ever felt this way when I know that I'm not.

I read what Scaeme wrote about her own journey and it brought tears to my eyes (in fact they are welling up again right now), because that sounds almost exactly like what I'm starting right now. Silly sod that I am, I can't figure out the reason for it, except that if you replaced her name with mine the story would be interchangeable (I'll be joining the Airforce in about one month).

_________________
http://www.gamespot.com/users/Ubersuntzu/games_table?mode=own
Because I love my games and I think you should too. >_>