i had some advice off another tzone member who said it was a good idea to start a blog, im not entirely sure what to write at the moment as im still discovering myself, and still unsure of my gender.
Ive been sat on this site all day and have been looking through it bit by bit, and have learnt a lot more about transgender issues than i did before. There is so much terminology to learn and understand its quite confusing!

Anyways, at the moment i feel very lonely, i feel like no one understands whats going on.....i dont think i understand whats going on myself. The more i think about transitioning from female to male, the more i warm to the idea of it happening. The more i want it to happen.
I think i do want to be male deep down, but i know it can never happen. My family would not accept me, my extended family would not accept me, my parents would never let me have surgery even though im 18 and can do what i want now im an adult. I know my friends wouldnt accept me. I have a best mate, and i tried to talk to him about it once after watching a transgender documentary on the TV. I didnt actually tell him i just kinda picked at the idea and said 'what would you do if....' sort of thing.

He made me feel really bad about myself, made me feel i was wrong, but it feels so right? he said i wouldnt be the real me if i decided on surgery. If my best mate cant accept me for me.....what chances have i got of anyone else accepting me.

I feel quite comfortable here, but i also feel like im excluding myself from reality and feel like im starting to create a safer world for myself online, not sure whether that is a good thing or not. I dont want to be around people, i dont feel sociable, i want to be myself.....which i guess is somethin that i cant be whilst im around my idiot so called friends.

Im not sure if i can do this, i feel way out of my depth with all of this, feel like its way out of my control....i really dont think i can do this

Great, you got it working! You are right about this forum being an excellent resource, I stopped bothering with the rest of the internet once I found here! The terminology can be a little overwhelming but you'll get used to it pretty quick. Here is a thread explaining some of the acronyms you might see:

http://tzone.freeforums.org/viewtopic.php?t=2099

Quote:

I think i do want to be male deep down, but i know it can never happen.

Sorry to be confrontational, but saying this can never happen is plain wrong. I'm really not trying to push you into doing or not doing anything, but you certainly can do it if you want to. Fact.

Quote:

he said i wouldn't be the real me if i decided on surgery. If my best mate cant accept me for me.....what chances have i got of anyone else accepting me.

I'm sorry to hear about this. I know exactly how you must have felt after that as I have experienced similar things. It's actually one of my best mates who has given me the hardest time over it. I think it is harder for people who are close to you. Random off-the-wall hypothesis (and probably wrong and all) but maybe your male friend secretly fancies you the way he sees you and is mortified by the idea of you changing. Whatever his reasons it's not his life it's yours. Your best friends and family can give you the hardest time and TBH I would never recommend telling friends and family early on - you are very venerable at this time and it can be very stressful with these people.

I know what you are saying about feeling the internet is a bit delusional but it really isn't when it is just your starting point. Without the internet I would be totally *&^&ed and I found the most acceptance at various places on the internet and it gave me the confidence to talk to people in real life.

It's easy to say, but no need to be in a rush. I would advise that by the time you speak to the people close to you about it that you have gotten used to talking to people about it and have at least a fairly good idea of where you are going. It's opening a Pandora's box that you have no idea if it will be a blessing or a curse.

I'm not recommending lying to your parents or shutting them out or anything, but be strong in your own mind before embarking on that challenge.

If transitioning >is< right for you then you WILL do it someday. It's not impossible at all. Give this time and your path will unfold before your eyes

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Hi herbie, and welcome to tzone!

Don't worry, you're definitely not alone. There's a great bunch of people here, and we're always happy to help.

I know it can seem really daunting at first, but you don't have to rush into anything. You have plenty of time to figure out whether transitioning is the right path for you, or not, and how to go about it.

Many of us worry about how our family and friends will react when we tell them - I know that for me, telling my parents was one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. Often it's not as bad as we fear it will be, and sometimes initial reations are ones of shock but they improve over time. It helps to be able to do your research beforehand and have available resources to help. Although your friend's initial reaction wasn't good, it might well be completely different if you told him in a different sort of way, armed with more facts and information. At the end of the day, your true friends will accept you for who you really are.

You don't say whereabouts you're based, but there's a number of support groups for transguys around the country. All of them welcome new guys - especially those who are just beginning to explore how they feel. It can be really helpful to meet up with others who understand how you're feeling and have been at the same place you're at - if you let me know whereabouts you are I can tell you which your nearest group is.

Incidentally, as you're over 18, your parents can't actually stop you from having surgery or taking hormones, although they can try and make it hard for you - but it's not a case of them "never letting" you. If you decie that transition is the correct path for you, and choose to take the NHS route, it could be around 2 years before you start hormones, and longer until surgery. Your parents can't tell you what to do for ever; ultimately, it's your body and your decision. Obviously, it's easier to have parental support, but they don't have the final say in the matter.

Keep posting, and keep reading mate!

Dave

Hiya Herbie. I can't really add anything new to what the others said but welcome to the forums. Transitioning is one of those situations where you find out who your real friends are, everyone reacts differently .

_________________
Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here

had a really good day today, went to see youth worker, and she made me feel lots better, we had a chat about how i was feeling and maybe what i need to do next and stuff. She suggested i tell a friend, she knows this friend and said he wasnt likely to judge me, and that i could probably trust him. Took me a lot of courage but i told jack today....and im quite proud of myself, he is being really supportive, says he backs any decision i make 100% im glad i told him now and i quite like the feeling of being open and honest, he also told me of someone else that feels the same way as i do....who is a good friend of mine, so i guess if i tell her she might be able to help and suppose we can support each other.

Really have had a good day today, after talking to my youth worker, she suggested that i also speak to my GP which i have been contemplating a lot today, and bit by bit i seem to be warming to the idea of going. Im very scared though, and dont think i can go quite just yet.....what happens when you go to your GP? who do you get referred to? what happens then? anyone give us a hand with that?

The more i think about it, the more attractive the idea and concept is becoming to me....the more i want it. I just dont know what to do about it, and i dont feel as freaked out as i was last friday, i feel more comfortable....its great!! I also love this site, its awesome!

Not really sure where to go from here, but ive told three people, and i have had positive reactions from them....makes me feel like i should just tell the world!! bit too early for that tho hehe.

Suppose i just need to find out what my GP will do, he scares me tho, and im a little scared that he wont take me seriously and will just tell me its a phase or something....but i think i know what i want now.

Cant stop thinking about everything, cant get this out of my head, and really starting to fell like i kinda wanna experiment you know? kinda like get a binder and stuff and go out and just see what it feels likes, not entirely sure how im gona manage doin it but suppose could try, could be fun hehe