Hi all Been loitering around the forum for a while trying to get up the courage to join... and I finally did (obviously )

Hopefully this isn't too long winded ^^

I'm a 28 year old MtF, living in Cardiff, Wales. I've had these feelings forever but always managed to push them under the carpet which has badly effected my health, mental and physical for too long!

The nearest I've come to admitting to myself who I am was in my very late teens through early twenties when I'd left home and ostracized myself from everyone I knew, allowing me to be who I was. Well... nearly who I was. I joined the Goth scene where I could dress and look femme while still not telling anyone how I really felt. It was a fresh start and I was pretty happy
Until I realised I'd be finishing university within a few months and have to start work. My confidence crushed, I reverted to who I thought society wanted me to be, became deeply depressed and failed my uni course despite looking to graduate with honours. I basically just didn't turn up to my exams... very stupid!

So we leap to a few months ago... I've shut off the friends I loved again, I'm an empty shell at work, I've put on lots of weight over the years, I'm not sleeping, my parents just don't know what the hell is wrong with me, although I suspect my dad has an inkling. We're quite close despite my attempts to push him away... he won't let me, although I've been successful in doing so with my mum.
There's some very lovely people who I want to be social with, and I just can't! Apparently everyone has been saying "There's something about Kris".

Well I've had quite enough thank you, I want to be happy with myself After a particularly long and deep period of introspection where I didn't become depressed, I started looking into transexuality seriously, made some doctors appointments and finally came out to a gay friend yesterday. I really had to come out to him first as I wasn't sure if I would have the guts to tell a doctor without opening up with someone else first.

My friend wasn't surprised, and we spent a really amazing evening together talking. It was an incredible cathartic experience and I feel light and happy. He did kinda spoil it at the end of the night, saying he wanted to cuddle me and he tried to go a bit further. I left in tears, feeling like I'd (almost) been violated, phoned the Samaritans and spoke to a wonderful woman who calmed me down (eventually ), and I went to bed after listening to my favourite mood altering Cure songs. I'm hoping it was just a midunderstanding and too much wine... I don't usually drink but we'd had a few glasses.

OH MY GOD! Doctors appointment this morning, more specifically an Occupational Health doc for work. He was amazing, pure and simple. Totally understanding, really sweet, not a glint of surprise or amusement in his eyes. I've seen him numerous times over the years as my depression and sleeping problems caused trouble at work, I've always thought him a nice guy and good doctor.
Really, I was still so so scared he'd laugh at me. I feel foolish now for thinking it was even a possibility.
He totally gave me confidence about my GP appointment, said he'd write letters if I wanted to push things along if my GP turned out to be less than understanding and I could call him at any time. I had to stop myself hugging him as I left!

So... GP app tomorrow and I'm practically skipping along the road! I sang all the way home listening to Counting Crows ^^ I'm sure people thought I'd just won the lottery or something - I FEEL AMAZING! ...and also terrified! LOL

So that's a bit about why I'm here I guess I'm on or about to start my journey finally, my emotions are flying everywhere... but things just feel right.

Oh, I guess I should say something about the name I chose for the forum. I've kinda been dealing with a lot of this for years by playing online games where I could assume the role of a woman, and I chose the name Susan as it was sexually unambiguous and plain. No insult intended to any Susans, I'm sure you know what I mean My game characters were never Susan... the person playing them was Susan.
So I signed up here as Susan, but it feels fake. My birth name is Kris, I've always like it and I feel it fits me as a woman now I'm coming to terms with myself and finally feeling comfortable with that knowledge

Oh... and the weight is dropping off!

Sorry for the wall of text

Hello Kris, & Welcome to our online Community.

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http://www.spinwatch.org/

Hi Kris, welcome to tzone!

I'm glad you found the courage to join, and thanks for telling us about yourself. It sounds like you're making a lot of positive steps in your trans journey, and I'll look forward to hearing more from you in future

Dave

Hi Kris and welcome to tzone.

I'm glad you have found the courage to join, we're not a bad lot really.

Your occupational health doctor does sound like a nice guy and it's great that you have an ally in him. Good luck with your GP appointment tomorrow, I hope it goes well for you.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Thank you for the welcome I really feel like this is a warm and accepting place, so glad I found it

This is a bit of a stream of consciousness, it feels liberating to be able to talk about things and it's keeping my mind off my appointment tomorrow. I think for the moment I've decided to keep myself to this little box I've started carving out within this community. That's fairly typical of me I think, shy to a fault until I break out of my shell. I hope no one minds me using this as my little chalk board of musings I tend to come across as supremely confident and opinionated after the shyness wears off as a defense mechanism (paraphrased comment from a friend) and I think that irritates some people. Anyway...

Today at work was a mental rollercoaster. Started my afternoon shift about an hour after I posted my hello here, was all bubbly for a few hours but also felt exhausted after seeing my OH doctor, my colleagues looking at me like I'm on drugs or something - they're used to dark and brooding.
I mean I've always maintained an outwardly confident guise at work, although moody and disconnected, but in spite of this I feel I'm well liked. They know something is up... I've started taking care of my appearance for a start and I smile. Smiling so much is actually noticeably tiring my face out lol.
They all accept it's because I'm happy that I'm losing weight, which I am of course. I'll keep that up for a long time I guess, it's a convenient excuse for a lot of things that I'm sure will crop up as I continue down this path.
I've let doubt slip into my mind a few times during the day, aware I was perhaps being too different too soon, that I'm still unhappy about the mauling I've given my body... it really is in terrible shape. Mostly because I do not want to lose any more people I care about to my own self loathing.

I think I'm lucky with the crowd at work though, most of them are very understanding people... well they have to be. I'm not foolish enough to believe I could come out tomorrow and things would be okay, although my heart has been screaming at me to do so. Luckily my brain steps in before I do something potentially really stupid... usually. An isolated incident:

About 6 weeks ago a few of us were sitting around on our break in the rare sunshine, one of my favourite people - a 50 something hippy chic with a personality I really click with - suggested we all bring pictures of when we were babies and from our 20s (the staff team here range from early 20s just qualified nurses and people looking forward to retirement soon).
It doesn't happen that often but it was a good day, the people who were on my shift are wonderful people and I'm very friendly with all but one of them.
It was just meant as a bit of fun, but I was the only one who didn't bring pics in.
Well I figured, this small group knew I used to be goth as I have opened up slightly in the last year and I could pass off any comments with "it was me being silly and having fun while I still could". Right? Right. Er.. no. Maybe

Well I got up the courage to do it after some well humoured requests... 3 weeks later. My name should be in the dictionary under "dithering".
I put the pictures on my ipod so there was no chance they could be copied. I don't have many as I've tended to remove links to my past, but I couldn't bring myself to delete these although they were kept pretty safely hidden. They can definitely be taken as me playing 'dress up' as they were fairly early on into my 'goth experience' before I started really letting my hair down, so to speak, and what I would consider down right plain, clothes wise.

So nervous... I showed them to someone and before I knew it my ipod needed cleaning from all the different sets of fingerprints mishandling it. Ugh!
I guess I'm sometimes braver than I give myself credit for, if you can call what I did brave, perhaps it was just stupid. A cry for attention, a cry for recognition... I'm still going with stupid to be honest.
Mostly I was glowing with the comments I received, "You make a pretty woman", "Wow you look like a girl", "that's not you" and of course "Oh my god!". A blank stare here and a couple of polite smiles there. Mostly I was glowing with the "girl" comments and some embarrassment. I tucked the ipod away as soon as I got my hands back on it.
Funnily enough the aforementioned hippy chic still hasn't seen them. I don't think I realised before but I really value her friendship and opinion. It's becoming clearer to me day by day that perhaps I'm not as alone as I've made myself feel.

A cowardly way to test the water perhaps, and certainly it's far far too early for me to doing silly things like this. I need to keep this in check but I've been doing so for so long it's felt good to let some of it out.
It amuses and horrifies me to look back with open eyes and an open mind, to see that perhaps I've always desperately wanted for someone to point a finger and reveal me, so it's out of my control. Something I simultaneously desire and have also worked very hard to prevent, if that makes any sense at all.

It appears garrulousness is at least something I'm comfortable with!

Just back from the GP. Not sure what to think.
She just did her job I guess, I suppose I was looking for some emotion but that's not what doctors are supposed to do. At least she wasn't like I'd feared.

I feel I let myself down though, like I should have sold myself but instead I was anxious and avoided eye contact. Made stupid jokes when I felt like I was going to cry and hated myself for it afterwards.

She said she'd refer me to someone but she wasn't sure who, I guess that's fine, she's a GP and I doubt she's dealt with this sort of thing on a regular basis if at all. I feel like I didn't get what I wanted but I'm not sure what I wanted out of it anyway.

Left feeling miserable and needing a smoke. Didn't have any, went to the nearest Tescos... I couldn't FIND it. I've been there a hundred times. It's one of the supermarkets not the express or whatever.

Went to a different one lol. Got a smoked salmon pasta lunch thing, some pineapple and mango and a pack of ciggies.

Smoked on the drive home, didn't really feel better but helped take my mind off things.

Got in, text the friend I've already mentioned, he phoned back from work. Was pretty comforting. I feel stupid. Turned the computer on and loitered on here for a bit, not wanting to post more self indulgent bullshit.. did it anyway.

Tried to go to bed before my night shift tonight, usually this just results in me tossing and turning and going to work tired. I had a nice nap, woke up and felt heady, obviously was quite a deep sleep.

Phoned home to let my mum and dad know I'd got a new mobile, replacing the ancient mini brick I'd been carting around forever ^^

Mum answered and went to pass me onto Dad as usual, but I stopped her and we had a conversation for the first time in I don't know how long. Tears streaming down my face, although I wasn't sobbing so I don't think she noticed I just told her I was okay, that I was working through some things and I'd invite her over in a couple of weeks. I think the reason I push mum away the hardest is because she's very religious, and she expects me to confide. It's too early for that by a long way, I need to be further along to have the strength to weather any bad reactions without me using it as an excuse to turn tail on ME.

Anyway, she was a bit gobsmacked I think lol.

I said a couple of weeks because I'm on night shifts, but mostly because my place is what can only be described as a shit tip. Was always a good excuse not to invite people over, "Sorry the place is a mess". I actually started clearing up yesterday... threw out 6 full bin bags just from the kitchen. I can't believe I've lived like this for so long, but it's like I've woken up from a bad dream... into a shit tip lol. MUST CLEAN!

Feeling invigorated again Dad told me he'd ordered tickets for us to see Elbow in a few months... I love going to gigs with my dad

Music has pretty much been my saviour all my life. It's probably one of the largest influences that have kept me from topping myself hah.
This particular song I don't think is about what I take it as... an oddly soothing inner dialogue with the girl hiding inside of me, the demons keeping her there. If anyone actually fancies listening to it I'm more than happy to send it on request, although I'm sure it can be easily found out there on the net


Anna Begins - Counting Crows

My friend assures me, it's all or nothing
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, for one time only
Make an exception.
I am not not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
With the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, were changing.
But were always changing.
It does not bother me to say this isnt love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But, I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray
Or something in between
And I can always change my name if thats what you mean
My friend assures me it's all or nothing'
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try tell yourself to make
Yourself forget
To make yourself forget
I am not worried
If it's love she said, then were gonna have to think about the
Consequences
She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering
For days she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend and I'm not gonna break
and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say as long as this is love...
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should just
Snap her up in a butterfly net,
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
coz I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And every time she sneezes I believe it's love
And oh lord.... I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep, it's keeping me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand it and
Oh lord.
I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away.
She dissappears,
and oh lord I'm not ready for this sort of thing

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

_________________
The Daily Turnout - King of the Throne Room

Been a mentally turbulent few days since I last posted, won't go into that though, I doubt it's any different from what everybody else goes through dealing with (starting) transition

Wrote a little spreadsheet to keep track of my weight loss, always the same when I do something like this.
Starts off simple, but now I have all sorts of little equations doing all the work for me
Hard to stop myself playing with it, but then I was a computer programmer before I got depressed and went into nursing, so I doubt that will ever change

Finally got around to watching 'The Devil Wears Prada' on sunday. Wow, I loved it so much I watched it again on monday night
Doubt anyone else hasn't seen it yet but *Possible Spoiler Warning!* Was disappointed in the ending, I wanted her to marry the handsome, slimy smooth hunk and become someone at 'Runway' magazine. Instead she had to have morals! Cop out!

Okay so follow up appointment with my GP tomorrow. Hoping she's come up with something but I'm not confident. Not because of her really, but because every damn referral I've had for different things has just never materialised unless I've gone private. -.-

My friend is coming with me... he's kinda insisted although really I'm fine going on my own, but it's lovely he's wanting to be so involved and I don't want to upset him. Will be nice to have someone to natter with too ^^

I'm really just wondering if I should take something along with me to the GP in case she's had trouble finding resource materials or whatever. I feel like I should be driving things along but I feel impotent.

Doesn't help there appears to be sweet FA locally for trans issues. My requests to places like the Beaumont Society and Gender Trust have gone unanswered, wouldn't have bothered them if I wasn't struggling to find local services myself. So far I've turned up two psychs in Wales, but they're so far away it would actually be easier and about as costly to get to London CX. Sigh.
Everything else appears to be 'kink' clubs. There's actually one around here called that. It's kinda annoying though, I appear to have exhausted the meaningful information on the net and further searching just turfs up pervy stuff. Maybe it's hidden under that but it gets quite tiring trawling through xxx tranny stuff and I've given up already.

Maybe I'm just better off asking to be referred to CX? Don't know how that'll go down with the local health board lol.

_________________
http://www.spinwatch.org/