I have reservations for a club this Friday that I plan on going to en femme, but I've never been and I'm feeling a bit nervous about certain traits of mine.

1) I'm not on hormones so no breasts and I haven't got any type of breast forms to fill my bra, so when I dress I simply fill the bra with paper padding. The effect is awful, it looks like I have mishappen rocks coming out of my chest and there is no upper section leading toward my shoulder! I hate it but I'm not sure what else to do.

2) I walk like a man, I've been practicing and people watching to try to get it right, shoulders back and down, walk in a straight line, and such. I can't help but feel I'm getting it all wrong. Is there some sort of helpful trick to walking less like a gorilla?

3) Which bathroom should I use? I think I'm more or less passable so I'm going to try the ladies room, but . . . well I guess we'll see.

4) What should I take in my purse? Comb-check, compact-check, (all the rest of my make-up (check?)

/shit . . . my brother jUst walked into my house and caught me dressed. I never really planned on being outed to anyone like this and my stomach has this gigantic knot which seem to be getting bigger by the second. I'm an idiot.

So, what you ladies and gentlemen didn't see was that there was about a ten minute time lapse between number four on the list and the profanity (sorry bout that). My brother walked into the house quicker and earlier than usual.

When I realized that I had left my laptop open and on the table I ran back to close it, but then I couldn't run back across the hallway so I ran into the garage. He went to get food out of the refrigerator which is on the opposite side of the door I had just baracaded myself behind. My brother happens to be one of the smartest and coolest people I know, so I'm sure he realized that I was hiding something.

In the interest of not letting him think I was hiding anything perverted I swung open the door and showed him then talked with him. He is actually my step brother and his father is transgendered like us. If I had to be revealed to someone I know then I'm just glad it was him first.

It still feels unreal like it only happened in my mind, but it wasn't just in my mind and I'm not sure what to think of that. I'm not sure how to act towards him now.

Is it normal to want to forget I ever thought of being a woman in the first place, yet, actively dress and act as though I were of the opposite gender? Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off, but every time I've put it down I just pick it back up in a month or two.

I feel like the majority of the ladies (and gentlemen) on the boards I read have made up their minds and don't look back.

I'm not sure what to think of today. I'd like to go to bed and just start fresh tomorrow but I think I'll wait for my brother to get home from work. Maybe we can go play some pool and talk a bit.

First off, go for it, none will say or do anything. and if they do i live about 20 miles away from you lol we can beat them with .... anything i find on the floor.
Second, were do you live in Sd? i live in Carlsbad

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the only thing that keeps me alive is the wish to have kids and teach them what i have learnd

its best to maybe check in advance about toilet arrangements at clubs - but most drag queens for example use the ladies

so i cant see why trans women cant, go in see what happens RUN THE GAUNTLET - if thats doesnt work then you may have to settle for a staff cubicle - its not the clubs its the people - if they are cool it wont be a problem but dont risk danger

being caught - its a rites of passage moment

and in some strange way will make you feel that everso much lighter mentally - secrets and lies are like weights and when they are told they do lift off your shoulder you know - do you feel lighter

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

I left my house for a bit to think afterward then I told some friends at a similar forum, then I wrote the bit above, and by the time I documented it in my Blog I really did feel lighter. It felt good to reveal it to him.

I feel like my horizons just sort of opened up, but my feelings toward being an androgyn are still very difficult to deal with and I'll need more time before I can say if this has made it clearer or cloudier.

Thank you and I do feel better.

Dani, sorry I wasn't ignoring your post. I'm glad to hear that you are so close, I'm in Santee (east county), and I promise to let you get first whack on anyone who gives me troubles. Do you ever come to downtown SD?

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Not at all, that is almost exactly how I feel. I tell myself almost daily, "be normal and stop obsessing," but no matter how I feel it always comes back (especially when I'm feeling good).

One issue for me is that I have a tendency to get depressed if I don't watch what pieces of the world around me I take into myself. You might try only watching happy movies, or switching off songs that make you feel sad (no matter how good they are), take vitamins, etc, etc. oh no, I sound like my mother . . . how appropriate. I'm happy you shared that with me though. Helps me feel less out of place.

I don't know where you are thinking of going out to. One place I've been to in San Diego is Lips, a very T* friendly place. It is not for the faint of heart...you may get pulled in to the show. But you don't have to worry about a negative reaction to possibly being read. It is all in fun. Check out their web site http://www.lipsshow.biz/
-Andee

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Andee is the Transgenderzone US moderator

thaKS for the tip. I actually have a big list of clubs in the SD area and I saw LIPS on the list. It looks like a lot of fun.

and on a totally separate topic . . . has anyone ever told you that you look like Celin Dion?

Hey there

Quote:

1) I'm not on hormones so no breasts and I haven't got any type of breast forms to fill my bra, so when I dress I simply fill the bra with paper padding. The effect is awful, it looks like I have mishappen rocks coming out of my chest and there is no upper section leading toward my shoulder! I hate it but I'm not sure what else to do.

RICE is your friend!! rice in small bags (preferably fabric things like small pillowcases) will nicely take the form of your bra

Quote:

2) I walk like a man, I've been practicing and people watching to try to get it right, shoulders back and down, walk in a straight line, and such. I can't help but feel I'm getting it all wrong. Is there some sort of helpful trick to walking less like a gorilla?

Be subtle- the less you swing your arms, the smaller your strides, the looser your body (ie relax your muscles, dont walk like you are uptight and preoccupied), the less noise you walk - the better you will pass.

Quote:

3) Which bathroom should I use? I think I'm more or less passable so I'm going to try the ladies room, but . . . well I guess we'll see.

Disabled toilets are very useful I guess it depends on where you are going. gay/Queer venues will be fairly relaxed about which toilet you use, in general. If there are lots of other TVs/TG people around, you will be more likely not to get any problems. 'Acting natural', rather than nervous, also can help, as it helps convince people that it is obvious that you should be in the bathroom they see you in

Quote:

Is it normal to want to forget I ever thought of being a woman in the first place, yet, actively dress and act as though I were of the opposite gender? Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off, but every time I've put it down I just pick it back up in a month or two. I feel like the majority of the ladies (and gentlemen) on the boards I read have made up their minds and don't look back.

nope.....lots and lots of people go through many cycles, over many years, of trying to stop their crossdressing, then having tension/unhappiness etc build up, then starting again...then stopping due to fear/a lack of self-acceptance, then having the tension/unhappiness build up.....

I guess that its more that once people solidly accept that their crossdressing desires (or desires to live as a different gender, as some work out that they are transsexual/TG, rather than TV) CANT be gotten rid of, that people stop questioining themselves and 'looking back'. The people that are still cycling between acceptance and self-hate etc are just less likely to stick around in a forum, as they may try to stop using the forums when they are trying to not crossdress

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Learning how to generate inner and outer peace in the universe and myself.

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Andee is the Transgenderzone US moderator

I do not know what it's like over in then States but here in England the majority of the disabled toilets are forbidden to all except those who own a UNIVERSAL KEY? that means most disabled persons will have one of those.

So good luck.

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Sparkz, you are my favorite person (named Sparkz) in the entire world. I have purchased some rice and plan on testing it out soon. I wish I had thought of it, since that alone seems like an obviously better choice than paper mashey(?) boobs any day of the week. And thank you for that last part, I think I need to talk to someone and see if I can get some sort of closure on what I want so I can stop doubting/(hating on) myself.

Oh, and I changed my plans slightly. I'll be going to LIPS instead. As a first time out I don't see the need to make things difficult on myself, and it looks like it should be a fun place. I suppose the change in plan also means that I shouldn't have to worry about the bathroom arrangements ()!

It feels so good to have even the slightest dialogs with other people who I don't feel the need to lie to that I wonder if posting on a forum is more about getting useful advice and tips than about getting the emotional satisfaction of knowing someone is listening.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I do feel better just interacting with people.

yeah you look a lot fresher and have a much more pretty and natural looking open face without a fringe Andee - but i complimented you on that photo before before it starts to look like some sort of 'Love in' LOL

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)