tzone

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

(Warning: Post may trigger)

Irony...

I panicked at work today. One of my colleagues asked me out of the blue.
"So, how long have you wanted to be female?"

My head nearly exploded with thoughts that he knew, how could he know? did other people know? in the end I managed to blurt out a terrified
"What???"

"Come on Joe. it's obvious!" he replied.

Again I managed to blurt out "What are you on about?" nervously.

"Well you've always had long hair, did your mum want a little girl?"(or at least words to that effect, I was in such a state I can't remember)

I laughed nervously a wave of relief washing over me, but the worst was to come. Everybody else laughed and then starting chipping in with things like

"You'd be a f**king ugly woman", "You could get a job doing the Bounty kitchen towel adverts", "What's your name at the weekend>" etc I suppose it was all just banter, but it really got to me and tipped me over the edge. My confidence is so very fragile.

I know I'm not good looking as a man, but that's always been part of the problem, I've neglected this body to a certain extent because I've always hated it.

Once it had all stopped, I went to the toilets and cut my arm. I was so worked up I couldn't take it any more. It's been a long long time since I've resorted to that.

I feel I've taken a huge step backwards today, I don't know if I will be able to go through with any sort of transition, I just can't take any knocks like this and I know there would be plenty.

**Flameboy** · Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject:

Sounds like it was a really tough day for you. However, I expect your colleagues would be mortified if they knew how they'd made you feel, and what the true situation was.

Don't worry about your looks - I looked awful when I last attempted to be even vaguely feminine, but hopefully I look OK as a guy. Check out some of the pictures in the Before and After thread, and you'll see that quite a lot of us are in the same boat. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with us simply neglecting the body we're born with as it doesn't feel like it belongs to us - that's pretty much how it is for me anyway.

Many of us have also found that transitioning has alleviated our emotional or mental health problems. Although it seems like a huge step to take, the relief and freedom that's gained by being able to live as ourselves, without having to hide who we really are, more than offsets the difficulties we have to overcome.

Dave

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Stitchy wrote:

I panicked at work today. One of my colleagues asked me out of the blue.
"So, how long have you wanted to be female?"

My head nearly exploded with thoughts that he knew, how could he know? did other people know? in the end I managed to blurt out a terrified
"What???"

"Come on Joe. it's obvious!" he replied.

I have had similar things happen before I transitioned too, I've had people ask me all sorts of things and made me feel sure that someone has betrayed me and told things that were secret. Of course no-one did tell anything it was just people noticing things about myself. I know that it's not fun to be outed before you are ready to come out so like you I used to laugh off the comments I used to get.

Stitchy wrote:

"You'd be a f**king ugly woman", "You could get a job doing the Bounty kitchen towel adverts", "What's your name at the weekend>" etc I suppose it was all just banter, but it really got to me and tipped me over the edge. My confidence is so very fragile.

Comments like that are so hurtful and these people think they are being funny but instead it can be very upsetting. I have had all sorts of things said to me at work before I came out. Some of them were very hurtful and some just silly. The one I always remember that a guy said to me once was "I don't like your hair, if you are going to have hair like that then you might as well come to work in a dress". The interesting thing was that after I came out at work I've never had any banter or anything hurtful said to me and I have been out at work for just under a year now. I also had guys that had previously given me a bit of stick and banter come to me privately and apologise for their previous behaviour.

What changed with me coming out then? Well before then I guess I was just a victim of general warehouse banter, I honestly believe that they weren't really trying to hurt my feelings, they just pick on everyone in one way or another. I think though when they learned I was transitioning, then they knew that it wasn't a matter that should be joked about. My work colleagues have been very supportive and I think I am probably more popular at work than I was before I came out.

Stitchy wrote:

I feel I've taken a huge step backwards today, I don't know if I will be able to go through with any sort of transition, I just can't take any knocks like this and I know there would be plenty.

Well, transitioning does have it's ups and downs and it might not be plain sailing and I think beforehand it can be common to imagine that there will be loads of knocks to take but really who knows. It is easy to build up a negative picture especially if you've had some bad experiences. I can't tell you that it's all going to be easy and you'll get no uncomfortable jibes or situations, but I think the truth is that you don't know how it will be.

I thought that I would receive a lot of abuse transitioning and I was pretty scared but I felt that not transitioning was an even scarier prospect and a future I felt I couldn't handle.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

IfItsWater · Joined: 19 Mar 2008 Posts: 24 Location: South Wales

Stitchy wrote:

"You'd be a f**king ugly woman", "You could get a job doing the Bounty kitchen towel adverts", "What's your name at the weekend>" etc I suppose it was all just banter, but it really got to me and tipped me over the edge. My confidence is so very fragile.

aww that musta been bad, can see how that would hurt your self esteem alot. As purpleprincess mentioned in the post above me though its just banter, people pick on each other for fun, its what people do lol im sure they would be sorry if they knew it had hurt you like that.

I imagine alot of us have neglected our bodies, mine is in some bad shape in many departments. I havnt cared how i looked my whole life, whatsoever, until i figured out i was in the wrong body. Now i cant stop worrying if im losing my hair, how the shape of my face looks for when i transition etc.

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

I saw my GP on Monday, nothing to report really just gave me a repeat of the anti-depressants I'm taking and reassured me the referral letter had been sent.

I've felt quite low in both mood and confidence this week. I just really feel deep down I fighting a losing battle and I'll never be able to go through with anything. I know after therapy I might be able to gain some confidence, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I know deep down what I want, but it seems unachievable to me.

I think for now I've used up my positivity for now and after reading a couple of books, I think reality has caught up and reminded me how hard things will be.

I've always been one to shy away from things that are too difficult or scary, and I guess that holds true for now.

I know once I get an appointment, I will probably get another burst but until then running on empty isn't easy either.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Stitchy wrote:

I've felt quite low in both mood and confidence this week. I just really feel deep down I fighting a losing battle and I'll never be able to go through with anything. I know after therapy I might be able to gain some confidence, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I know deep down what I want, but it seems unachievable to me.

Awww, sorry to hear you're not quite feeling on top of the world right now. I think that sometimes, especially in the early days things can seem unachievable, it's just your mind though, giving you negative thoughts to try and protect you, so you don't feel hurt if things don't go your way. But it's this form of protection, when the mind is trying to make you feel like it's ok for things not to work out, that holds people back. I know it's not easy, but when you start thinking negative thoughts about things not being achievable, just remind yourself what's happening and try to instil the belief that things can work out how you want them to. I think you should try to retain hope and a belief that things can work out.

I am speaking generally now. Most big goals you have that are deeply important to you will probably require some element of either risk and effort to achieve. I think when our minds are telling us negative things, it makes things harder to achieve and then the mind's prophecy of negativity is more likely to come true. You need to try to beat those thoughts inside because I feel that maintaining a decent level of positivity in general can give you the confidence and ability which will help you achieve your goals.

Of course we all have ups and downs, it's very hard to remain positive 100% of the time and circumstances do have their effects. I think a lot of us have been where you are now and have had similar thoughts, I know I can see some similarities with things you have said. When I first joined tzone I was lacking confidence and pretty much any belief I would even get any help, I still have ups and downs but generally I have a lot more belief now. I just want to help you believe that things aren't unachievable.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

I've never have had any confidence in myself. I've always shied away from any conflict and been a 'yes man' purely to have a quiet life, even when it's torn me to pieces inside. I don't know if this is down to the way I feel about my gender, but it is probably some what the reason.

I certainly began to hate myself, but I think things have got to the point where I've realised I can't keep on doing that. I know any sort of happiness is a long way off for me. Not just the gender issue, but I think I am certainly starting to move in the right direction. I am still very confused about where I am going to end up, but I know I have to experiment and find out where I am comfortable.

I get very irrational about things at times, although being a woman is deep down what I want, it also scares the hell out of me. It's not so much I HATE being a man, it just doesn't feel right and the thought of being a man for the rest of my life, makes me feel like ending it all. This sort of internal conflict is what I need to sort out.

I do now occasionally get moments of confidence, where I will fight my corner and where I believe. My friend tells me that is Josie, beginning to show herself, although I am still very much Joe for the majority of the time. These little glimpses give me hope.

I do have much more bad days than good, but hopefully once I start to see the psychosexologist I can start to formulate a plan and more things will click into place, and when I know exactly where I'm going I will maybe be able to start coming out to more people, and let Josie come out to play more often.

Wraith · Joined: 25 Apr 2008 Posts: 47

Hi Stitchy!
After you made the effort to read my blogg and post a reply mentioning we had alot in common I thought I should check yours out. To be honest I got a bit emotional (this never happens!!) you tugged my heart strings and left me feelin for you in a big way!!!

We do have a fair bit in common and i've experienced alot of the thoughts, feelings, emotions and situations that you have. I would dearly love to write a 6 page lecture giving advice and listing all the things that i've done in the past to be in the position I am now, however not being a qualified shrink and it not being my place to interferre in any major way that one will have to wait unless specifically requested!!

Can't not stick my ore in though

1) I turned my life around whilst in the middle of comitting suicide and I don't recomend you try it!!!! The realisation I had whilst looking in the mirror at the time was and the only way I can explain is as follows the DR says you have 6 weeks to live do you A) go home be miserable, sulk get depressed and wait to die or do you B) Stop giving a fuck cause your as good as dead anyway and do all the crazy arsed things you never had the bollox to do before and make those six weeks worth a lifetime.
that was 12 yrs ago, since then i've travelled the world, partied my arse of, and done more things than most people would do in 2/3 lifetimes. ONLY GOT ONE SHOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Mental health?? fucking hell thats about as full on as it gets the most sane people are usually in my experience the most fucked up. Depressed yeah been there still get it, bullied at work yeah had that still get it, blow em a kiss and give em the finger, look like the girl from the bounty ad, fuck of i've got better legs than that bitch all day long, your the one who needs to worry you ugly (sorry ladies) c**nt how the fuck does your misses climb on you without throwin up!! dunno thats just how I deal with it, try ridin a motor bike at a couple of hundred miles an hour n looking down at the tarmac, after that some prick at work aint worth tupence, work is just the bollox you have to do to pay for the fun things.

3) If you concentrate to hard on one thing you miss everything else, Bruce Lee explains this best in Enter the Dragon "see the finger pointing to the moon, don't concentrate on the finger or you miss all the heavenly glory!!!!"

blah blah blah fucking blah I really wouldn't take any of this on board it's just Wraith ranting on, I could go on for days on the same note it's all bollox I gues what I should say is keep the faith you will find your way!! and please keep in touch we may need each others help with the nhs and surgery etc. 2 people hounding them with the same problem will have much better results than just one especially you having females in the background there help and some bending of the truth may be required.

Feel free to tell me to fuck of and leave you alone and on the same note please send me a p/m if you ever need an ego massage, positive vibes or more dodgy advice sorry not the place to come for a shoulder to cry on cause you'll start me of and I don't do that!!!

Would be cool if MY SO CALLED LIFE STORY could become something positive Stitchy's life, My life etc

Take it easy have fun Wraith

_________________
WRAITH:
A ghost or hallucination seen in one's own likeness

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

I wish I'd just carried on ignoring all these feelings. Things were simpler, yes I was unhappy but now I just feel 10x worse.

I am kidding myself if I think I can go anywhere with this,

I am too sensitive to cope with all the negativity I know I'll encounter, I don't have a think skin, I can't ignore people.

My head feels like it is going to explode, I keep going over things in my head, trying to think of a way.

I don't know what the answer is.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Stitchy wrote:

I wish I'd just carried on ignoring all these feelings. Things were simpler, yes I was unhappy but now I just feel 10x worse.

Awww, I am sorry that you not feeling good about things at the moment. For years I found ways to not think about things and ways to escape, I also felt for a very long time that I wouldn't be a strong enough person to cope with transitioning. For me the more I tried to forget and the more I tried to live without confronting the reasons for my depression, the worse things got until things were really unbearable.

Stitchy wrote:

I am too sensitive to cope with all the negativity I know I'll encounter, I don't have a think skin, I can't ignore people.

I am an incredibly sensitive person myself and certainly don't have any kind of thick skin. How do you know you will encounter a lot of negativity? There is no way of telling what might happen before it does. I know that transitioning is like taking a leap into the unknown regarding how people will react and things like that, but it is also so very rewarding too. I don't think it's possible to put a price on finding happiness within yourself.

I know how you feel, I've been in that place for many years. I can't decide for you whether you should transition or not, I can tell you though how much of an amazing difference it has made to my life already, it's been by far the best decision I have ever made, and ever will make I'm sure.

You are quite welcome to add me to MSN if you use it and need someone to talk to, it might help.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

PurplePrincess wrote:

You are quite welcome to add me to MSN if you use it and need someone to talk to, it might help.

Thank you, I will but when I'm feel less like I am now. I know that if I do I'll only keep going over this same ground again and again and make myself ultimately feel worse. I just need to calm things down a little Smile

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

What I wouldn't give for a decent nights sleep. My mind is overactive I'm constantly thinking about things worrying what might happen. I just seem unable to relax. When I do sleep I have vivid nightmares that make things worse. I keep dreaming about telling people about how I feel and how they react to it, it's never well. Sometimes when I wake up it can take a few minutes before I realise, things are ok and it was just a dream. Although I did have a dream in which 2 of my sisters were helping me get ready for what appeared to be my wedding, I remember them helping me into my dress and applying my make up.

All this has resulted in me feeling quite low, probably lower than I've felt in a very long time. I just wish my appointment would come through... even if the appointment isn't for a few months at least I'd have something to aim towards. Right now everything seems so uncertain, it's been nearly 2 months and I've heard nothing. It feels like I have been forgotten about.

On Saturday night I got stupidly upset and hurt by something my girlfriend said to me, I'm too sensitive. She told me when I first told her about feeling I should be a woman, she didn't really take me seriously. She thought it was just a phase because I'd been feeling low, and I just wanted to change things to try make things better. Rather than that was the cause of me feeling so depressed. She said she's tried to take a back seat, and not really encouraged me too much because she didn't want make things worse.

I've reached a major cross road in my life. The whole where do you see yourself in 5 years time question? I know in 5 years there will be no Joe, I will either be dead or I will be Josie, Those are the only 2 options I have. Living life as I am now will lead down path number one.

Still for once I can sign off with some positive news. I've been given a substantial pay rise at work. A contract I've been working on has been extended for another 2 years because the client was so impressed with the way the last 6 months went.

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Stitchy wrote:

I just wish my appointment would come through... even if the appointment isn't for a few months at least I'd have something to aim towards. Right now everything seems so uncertain, it's been nearly 2 months and I've heard nothing. It feels like I have been forgotten about.

I do know how you feel. When I first told my GP he referred me to a local psychiatrist, I waited 5 months for the appointment and only got told I had an appointment date a couple of weeks before I had it, so for months I was left wondering whether I was getting an appointment or not. Perhaps if you are getting worried about it you should talk to your GP, maybe they can help you find out when your appointment will be.

Stitchy wrote:

On Saturday night I got stupidly upset and hurt by something my girlfriend said to me, I'm too sensitive. She told me when I first told her about feeling I should be a woman, she didn't really take me seriously. She thought it was just a phase because I'd been feeling low, and I just wanted to change things to try make things better. Rather than that was the cause of me feeling so depressed. She said she's tried to take a back seat, and not really encouraged me too much because she didn't want make things worse.

I think your girlfriend's response sounds quite common to me. I think some people do think that perhaps it's a temporary feeling, especially if they haven't had any idea up until recently about how you feel. I know it feels upsetting that people sometimes don't immediately believe the sincerity of how we feel, I don't think generally people do it purposefully to upset us, also I don't think it's because they don't believe either. Time is the biggest convincer I think, peoples opinions do change with time and when they can see for themselves that your feelings are here to stay then they will realise more of how serious you are about this.

Well done for the pay rise Very Happy

, surely that's always good for lifting spirits slightly, everyone likes a pay rise.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Laura Danielle · Joined: 26 Apr 2008 Posts: 30 Location: USA (GMT-7)

Congratulations, Stitchy! That's great news about your pay raise and the extension of the contract.

The dream about your sisters helping you into an affirmation like none other of your female nature and status seems to be a beacon of hope shining through from your own subconscious. (Similar dreams have kept my hope alive.)

Life is worth it. I'm rooting for you.

Stitchy · Joined: 25 May 2008 Posts: 23

Thanks.

I know I mention suicidal feelings a lot, but I do use them as motivation in a way not an intent and I have done for a long time. If I face a tough decision like this, I need to feel I have that option of a way out. It makes risks seem less scary, because I know if things go badly wrong I still have a way out, although it be an extreme one and I have lost nothing by trying.