So to start from the beginning...

I was born in 1978 2 months prematurely resulting in me having cerebral palsy, I was lucky to survive. I was the youngest of 5 children, 3 sisters and 1 brother. All 12-15 years older than me.

My earliest memory of wanting to be a girl, would be sometime before I started school. I remember having a colouring book with a picture of a little girl in a raincoat with an umbrella on the cover and I can remember wishing I was just like her. When I started school, I remember the afternoons where we were allowed to play. I was always much happier playing with the girls, in the Wendy house and with cuddly toys, I found it much easier to bond with them. Although I had 'boys toys' at home and happily played with them as well. I can't remember if I ever actually told anybody I wanted to be a girl, but I'm sure if I did it was probably laughed off.

I don't think being a boy bothered me too much until I was a little older and I found I had to conform to the rules and do boy things etc, when girls didn't want me to play with them because I was a boy and things started to get more complicated. I used to get bullied and singled out at school because of my disability I was unable to participate in sports, something I wasn't bothered about, but I decided I didn't want any more unwanted attention brought on myself so I did my best to be what everybody expected of a boy. I used to got to bed and try to push my genitals up inside my body because I hated them so much, I possibly did that even before I knew the differences between the sexes. When puberty came along things got much worse. I hated the feeling of having an erection, but still I masturbated quite a lot fantasising about being a girl because afterwards the pent up feelings of frustration and desire to be somebody else, faded for a while.

I was still attracted to girls and have had a few girlfriends one in particular who I am currently with again was my first who I had an unplanned baby with when we were 17, we gave him up for adoption. Which although we acknowledge was the best decision for his sake, still hurts a little now. Through my latter teens things were a little easier although it never went away I was able to keep on top of feelings of being in the wrong body. Things changed in my mid 20's and I became very depressed, although I still didn't have the courage to tell anybody how I feel despite having extensive counseling and psychotherapy. Even after I attempted suicide. I soldiered on for a few more years hoping things would get better and I could accept being a man.

Then this year, I became very depressed again and I eventually told my closest friend, although I think it came as a shock to her, I've obviously hidden things very well, she has been very supportive and a week or two later during a routine visit to my GP I told him, then again a couple of weeks later I told my girlfriend who has been wonderful about it and didn't run to the hills. She's made no promises of if she will be able to stay with me if I decide to go through with any transition, she has said she will stick by me and support me as a friend if nothing else.

Since then I have told maybe half a dozen people more. Although none of my family. My GP referred me for counseling but this proved very generic and was of little help, so I am waiting to see a psychosexologist to decide if I should be referred to a gender clinic.

Before this year although I felt I wanted to be a woman and I never thought I could go through with it, after researching it extensively on the internet, and that was still the case when I told my GP, but I never thought I'd be able to tell anybody about how I felt either and I did that so who knows what I am capable of?

All I am sure of is I can't keep living the way I am.

Feel free to ask my any questions

Hi Stitchy, sorry to hear you've had such a rough time with things. I certainly have had my share of trials and tribulations and to be honest I still suffer from depression and anxiety. It's good that you can share your story with us and I appreciate your honesty.

Best wishes xxx

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It's Sunrise On The Sufferbus

Hi again Stitchy, it's nice to see you have started a blog .

Since I first became a member here on tzone I have received lots of support and wonderful advice and found friendship too but I do feel that writing a blog has helped me the most. I guess it can be hard to explain but I feel that just writing about things and getting your thoughts out can really help. Blogs are also a great place where people can help one another and offer their experiences and support. I hope that having a blog will really help you as much as it has helped me.

Stitchy wrote:

I was still attracted to girls and have had a few girlfriends one in particular who I am currently with again was my first who I had an unplanned baby with when we were 17, we gave him up for adoption. Which although we acknowledge was the best decision for his sake, still hurts a little now.

That must have been a very hard decision to make and I am sure he will always be in your thoughts. I certainly admire you for being able to make that kind of decision.

Stitchy wrote:

Even after I attempted suicide. I soldiered on for a few more years hoping things would get better and I could accept being a man.

I think there are some trans women that do go through a phase of trying harder to be a more stereotypical kind of guy before deciding to transition. I remember taking a job working outside making the white lines on roads and car parks because I thought it would make me more manly, lol. My family were really surprised when I took it and it wasn't for me but it took me getting a horrible second degree burn from the hot plastic and almost needing a skin graft to realise that. I think that deciding to live as another gender than what we were born as is a huge decision and can feel like a scary prospect. Sometimes we know deep down inside that it's what we want more than anything but we still try so hard hanging on to the belief that there is another way to be happy with ourselves.

Stitchy wrote:

I told my girlfriend who has been wonderful about it and didn't run to the hills. She's made no promises of if she will be able to stay with me if I decide to go through with any transition, she has said she will stick by me and support me as a friend if nothing else.

That is wonderful to hear . Having support in the real world as well as support online is very important and I feel can make a huge difference. I think it is understandable that your girlfriend might feel that she would be unable to continue your relationship should you decide to transition but I think having her support as a friend would be really helpful.

Stitchy wrote:

Since then I have told maybe half a dozen people more. Although none of my family. My GP referred me for counseling but this proved very generic and was of little help, so I am waiting to see a psychosexologist to decide if I should be referred to a gender clinic.

I hope your appointment goes very well with the psychosexologist.

Stitchy wrote:

Before this year although I felt I wanted to be a woman and I never thought I could go through with it, after researching it extensively on the internet, and that was still the case when I told my GP, but I never thought I'd be able to tell anybody about how I felt either and I did that so who knows what I am capable of?

I completely understand what you are saying. When you are depressed I think it can be so hard to feel like you can change anything. You have taken some big steps forward now, you've told your GP and some of your friends and also us here on tzone so well done . I think believing in yourself is very important, sometimes things in life seem tough but try to never lose hope.

Was there anything that particularly worried you about transitioning that you found out researching on the internet?

Stitchy wrote:

Feel free to ask my any questions

Feel free to ask us any questions too and thanks for sharing your story with us .

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Thank you.

PurplePrincess wrote:

H Was there anything that particularly worried you about transitioning that you found out researching on the internet? .

I think a combination of the length of time it takes, how hard it can be to get the help and whether ultimately it would make me happier.

I still don't know, but unless I try and find out I'll never know, I know I have to do something to try and make myself happier.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

I agree with what Chrissy said, and I would add what my gender therapist/psychotherapist has asked me from time to time, particularly when I've been gender euphoric about living full-time as a woman: Are there things you like about being male, things you'd miss? That's also an important list to compile and to weigh against the pro-female list.

I do think one needs to keep up the pro vs con argument, so as to reach a more perfect union of oneself.

Good luck, Stichy.

Hi Stitchy,

As usual Chrissy seems to have said all the things that I would want to say to a person in your position. But I'll add my two cents anyway:

First of all, welcome to tzone. There are lots of good people here who can offer their empathy as well as good advice. Your story is moving, and I can sympathize with a lot of what you describe. It may take some time to decide, and act upon, what course is right for you. But you are very brave for exploring your identity openly, here and in your personal life. I think any kind of self-exploration is valid, and worthwhile. I hope very much that you find that path that is right for you.

In many ways the story that you tell is very common among transexuals. So I think that you should continue this line of exploration. I wish you luck with the psychosexologist. It is important to speak to a specialist in these areas, especially if your GP, or counsellor, is unfamiliar with these issues.

There is a lot of pain in your first blog here. I think that is very common amongst us here. Changing gender is a long and arduous task. But it can, and has helped save many people's lives. The amazing thing is to stop and think that we live in a time when such a thing is possible. The point I am labouring to make is: there is a world of opportunities ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck, whatever your path may be....

Joel

One thing I have spent a lot of time considering is because of all my health problems, cerebral palsy, type 1 diabetes, and mental health problems. Whether I just had a desire to be somebody else, somebody healthy without all these conditions and illnesses. If that was the case obviously following this path wouldn't help me, as I'd still feel the same, just with all the problems of transitioning to cope with as well.

I really don't think that is the case now, but it is one I will still explore with the psychosexologist, just to be 110% sure.

The last few days have been a real mental struggle. I keep going from spells of excitement and euphoria that I've actually taken the first steps to being who I really am, to spells of feeling rock bottom and desuir where I just can't see a way I can go through with everything.

I don't know why but I've also become obsessed with having a vagina, I just really want one because I hate my current gene tails so much. To the extent I am feeling stupidly jealous of my girlfriend having one.

I know these aren't rational thought, but hopefully by writing them down it might help.

Still no word about my appointment, but I see my GP again on Monday.

Hi Stitchy

I'm sure many of us can relate to the feelings going up and down, especially early on in transition. However, although it's a cliche, it's important to remember that every step you take is a step closer to you achieving your goal, and even the longest journeys start with a single step. By posting this blog, telling some friends and your girlfriend, and talking to your GP, you've already taken some major steps along the road.

Try to focus on the next steps you'll be taking, and see each one as an achievement. I know full well how frustrating the waiting is, what it's like to be living in the wrong body, and seeing people everyday who have the correct body and don't seem to realise their luck! And I'm sure that pretty much every other trans person has felt the same way too - so you're most definitely not alone.

Good luck when you see your GP on Monday!

Dave

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

I think what makes things worse is I am so so distracted by my feelings now, and it's beginning to distract me at work etc and I'm finding it hard to concentrate especially when I am feeling on one of my 'highs' and I've been finding it hard to resist cutting again, when I've been on a 'low' although I think I'll be ok with that unless something catches me by surprise and I'm not ready to fight it.

Although I told my GP 3 months ago, it's only since the last time I saw him that things have become to feel so REAL, and that I can run from or try to ignore this anymore.

I suppose the thing that worries me most about transitioning is, upsetting and hurting other people. My counselor told me I have a slightly unhealthy respect for other people because I don't show myself any. I also have a huge guilt complex about every little thing. I even feel guilty about posting things like this on here, because I know everybody on here is or has experienced similar feelings. and I feel like I am whining.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm