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confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

Hi All,

Thought I would introduce myself, Im Ty 23 UK.

Hoping that Im in the right place, from a early age Ive never opened up to anybody, never spoke to anyone about anything and any problems or thoughts have always stayed in my head. So now, I feel scared and I find it difficult to speak to people about things.

I feel asthough Now I need help. From the age of 5 ive always been a tom boy type of female, always with the boys etc I never wore girls clothes, I do not feel comfatable at all and still now I dress as a man and shop in mens shops, I even get mistaken for a male and to me thats a good thing. The way i look and the way i feel are to completely different things (I try to avoid looking in the mirror). I long to be a man and feel right within myself and be happy with life.

So depressed and down, suicidal, cutting my arms, I dont know who to turn to or speak to about this, unhappy all the time. Sometimes i feel i dont want my life Crying or Very sad

Can anyone point me in the right direction? I need someone to talk to, before I end up losing my mind.

confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

sorry think i may have posted this in the wrong area

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I Juss Wanna Be The Real Me - Key To My Happiness

**Hellfrozeover** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 773 Location: UK

Hiya, welcome to Tzone Smile

.

Intros are okay in here but it's usually the Social area they're posted in. Either is fine though.

I'm sure you'll find the guys on here a great help when it comes to finding yourself, our FTM area has quite a lot of good information on the subject as well as the input of our members.

No one can tell you if you're male or not other than yourself though. Sometimes it takes a while to work it out, sometimes it doesn't. Everyone is different. I guess it would be boring if we weren't Smile

.

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Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here Smile

**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Hi

Simone and welcome to tzone.

confused wrote:

Hoping that Im in the right place, from a early age Ive never opened up to anybody, never spoke to anyone about anything and any problems or thoughts have always stayed in my head. So now, I feel scared and I find it difficult to speak to people about things.

I think that it is hard to start talking about feelings that have been kept deep inside. I'm sure a lot of the people here will have been through similar feelings, I hope you feel you can talk to us here on tzone because there are plenty of people here who will listen and empathise and want to help or offer advice if they can.

confused wrote:

The way i look and the way i feel are to completely different things (I try to avoid looking in the mirror). I long to be a man and feel right within myself and be happy with life.

confused wrote:

So depressed and down, suicidal, cutting my arms, I dont know who to turn to or speak to about this, unhappy all the time. Sometimes i feel i dont want my life Crying or Very sad

Can anyone point me in the right direction? I need someone to talk to, before I end up losing my mind.

Feel free to start a blog in the My Story and Daily Blogs section. Sometimes it can help to have a place to write your feelings down in, a place also where people will be able to read and respond with help and support. Some of us chat on MSN messenger too, just look out for the button at the bottom of peoples posts or look in their profile to see if they have included a messenger address. If I am not busy I am always more than happy to chat to people on MSN.

The first step to take if you decide you want to have treatment to be able to change your body to become a guy on the outside would be to tell your GP how you feel and that you want to be referred to a Gender Identity Clinic. I realise that it can feel pretty daunting to do that and I imagine you'd want to think about things first. It might help to find a councellor that you can talk to about things also.

Help is definitely out there and I'm glad you have found tzone because these forums have some wonderful and very knowledgable and supportive members. Finding this site is a good first step and feel free to ask us any questions.

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**ice maiden** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2691

Quote:

I long to be a man and feel right within myself and be happy with life.

So depressed and down, suicidal, cutting my arms, I dont know who to turn to or speak to about this, unhappy all the time. Sometimes i feel i dont want my life Crying or Very sad

Can anyone point me in the right direction? I need someone to talk to, before I end up losing my mind.

When we are down we tend to use very negative language to describe our lives

however it can also result in sinking further into the mire of depression

the first thing i would suggest is to try and write in a way that perhaps suggests some of your own solutions you may have to these issues

for example you long to be a man (you are one already i suspect Smile

) just need some bits fixing - how do you feel you may bring about this - it doesnt matter if its not quite right

does this involve you coming out, telling your doctor and so on if so how do you think you will go about this and are you prepared to carry out these task goals

cutting is often a visual way to show inner pain - a way to SEE the pain you feel - it can also raise endorphins and adrenalin and can become quite addictive, and lastly it can become obsessive compulsive in that by doing it your feel better if you stop doing it you know that it will all go wrong

if you cut always ensure you keep sterile objects

The most serious issue here is cutting as it can lead to septicaemia there is a very good resource site here on cutting that you might want to join to help address this part of your life
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/0-9/4health/mind/wwr_selfharm.html
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa

OK it is likely you have suffered peer pressure to conform to your gender stereotype this is pressure

You may feel trapped and isolated - pressure

You may feel that the future looks very bleak indeed almost nihilistic and i feel from reading what you have said and from what i have seen over the years that the cutting is directly associated with this - however because of the stigma of being trans you may be unable to communicate this information to a person in a therapeutic encounter such as a counsellor for example - so the origins of the desire to cut are locked away unable to be communicated

if you feel isolated depressed an nihilistic its no surprise that your self esteem is low this is what you need to build and being here will really help as all the desires you have all these goals you have have already been achieved by others here and you can pick their brains for information and advice

you know that feeling when you are a kid and for a moment you let you mums hand go and for an instant you are lost and the panic that ensues - it is a kinda loss you can feel but also you find yourself again

to do this you MUST empower yourself

to do this requires a number of steps

First talk to the guys here open a blog and let it all OUT they will support you

Second You need to talk to someone about this ideally your GP as they can refer you to other services

Thirdly you may want to come out to your family - if you have not done so - they may think you are going through a phase - this is why a visit to the GP can help - go to the surgery and just say you want an appointment for something else bad foot or summit Smile

then when you go in say i have something important i want to discuss - they are often limited for time so you may want to get the key issues on paper like bullet points (no pun intended) and explain that you self harm and that these intense trans feelings my be due to this

at least then your doctor will be in the loop regarding the often quite risky business of self harm

Suicidal feelings are not uncommon for transpeople - objectified, hopelessness, isolation - can be a recipe for disaster - this is why you need to make friends - friends who understand how you feel and will not judge you

this is why Trans support groups can be useful but more of that another time

hope this helps a little

so to sum up

Goal setting - make plans so your future is bright

Isolation - make friends - even if its only online - be careful who you choose tzone has some good moderators and helpers here who can support you initially when you are vulnerable

Cutting - until you feel better about yourself this is likely to still be around - be safe - and speak to your GP

Lastly talk to someone away from your PC maybe your GP or come out to a trusted family member

hope this helps

_________________
Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

**Flameboy** · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:59 am Post subject:

Hi Ty, and welcome to tzone!

Do you have another name you'd like us to call you by? I started out using my name here, before I used it with my friends and family, and now it's my legal name! It's definitely a good place to test it out...

Anyway, you say you don't know where to turn. Well, you've made a start by posting here - keep posting, and as others have suggested, why not start a blog? You could also visit your GP, and tell them how you feel, and they would probably refer you for counselling. Alternatively, you could try and seek counselling yourself. I don't know what area you're based in, but someone here might know of a counsellor in your area - if you're in the Manchester area I can definitely help.

There's also a number of support groups around the country. Most major towns and cities have a mixed trans support group of some kind, but there's also specific groups for transguys in London, Taunton, Nottingham, Sheffield, Manchester and Scotland - there might be others that I've forgotten too. If you're near any of those I can find the details for you.

You're not alone though, and there's plenty of people here who understand how you're feeling and will do their best to help. We can't tell you who we are, but we can listen, offer advice and support, and help you celebrate as you work towards getting to the place where you want - and need - to be!

Dave

confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

Quote:

for example you long to be a man (you are one already i suspect ) just need some bits fixing - how do you feel you may bring about this - it doesnt matter if its not quite right

LOL, yes you are right Smile

Thanks for all your support everyone, i still feel scared now just typing on here. Not a living soul knows how i feel, i dont feel i have the confidence to even say anything to my family or my GP to scared. I find it very hard 2 speak to others full stop even if it is about something minor i just cant open up 2 people.

With the way I'm feelin now, lost so much weight, im havin really bad panic / anxiety attacks now severeal times a day, lost my complexion and there is everyone thinking im A OK!

obviously i cant help the way i feel, but im scared of how people will treat me or how they will respond i just feel i cant do it. Sometimes i think you know what F**K it who cares i should be able to do what i want etc and then most times i cant and i feel the type of person to rather have something eat me alive inside to the point where i commit suicide before i told someone how I felt Sad

just don't know what to do, die or !!!!?

I have felt like this for years and now Im here i dont wanna feel like this anymore and i do try my best to be strong.

Ive completely blocked out all frends, i live in my bedroom. I go to work i come home and thats it.

You can refer to me as Ty.

I dont think i can get through this and im from the West Midlands

**Flameboy** · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:00 pm Post subject:

Hey Ty - I've edited my original post to change your name in that too by the way Smile

West Midlands, eh? You're in luck then - I've just heard this evening about a new group for transguys starting there. Here's the details:

the ftm group will be starting up in wolverhampton on Saturday 27th October from 6pm untill 9pm. This will be held every last saturday of the month thereafter.

the contact details are ftm.westmidlands@yahoo.co.uk
mobile number 07935869890 for further details.

The guy running it is called Vic - he's a good guy, I've known him for a few years now. You could always just drop him an email and take it from there.

Dave

**thedreadpersephone** · Advisor Joined: 09 Feb 2007 Posts: 913 Location: Dundee

confused wrote:

Thanks for all your support everyone, i still feel scared now just typing on here. Not a living soul knows how i feel, i dont feel i have the confidence to even say anything to my family or my GP to scared. I find it very hard 2 speak to others full stop even if it is about something minor i just cant open up 2 people.

It's ok to be scared, this is a really big thing to tell people. You've made a great start of coming here and posting about yourself.

I hope the support group Dave mentioned will be of some use to you.

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confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

That's a big step Dave, not sure If I am ready for that yet I will take the details though and thanks.

I know I have only just joined this forum and only made a few posts but seriously it's a big help like I'm actually feeling like I want to tell my mom and my family Just scared. But hey why not jump right in. Im going to try and talk to my mom later today, lol wish me luck If I can actually get the words out.

Dave this group in Wolves, isit discreet?

Evereyone seems so nice and understanding here I really do appreciate it.

Very Happy

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I Juss Wanna Be The Real Me - Key To My Happiness

**Flameboy** · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 12:20 pm Post subject:

Hey Ty

Good luck talking to your mum, if you decide to do so today. I don't know much more about the Wolverhampton group, I'm afraid - as I say it's only just starting up. I'm sure if you email Vic he'll be happy to answer any questions you've got. I'd guess it is discreet though - those involved in running trans organisations generally understand the need for discretion.

I'm glad you're finding it helpful being here!

Dave

confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

Yes i emailed him and awaiting a reply.

If i went to my GP, and he reffered me to someone, would this be via NHS automatically or if i stated that i wanted to go private would he point me in the right direction?

Ye ill try speaking to my mom, like ive felt confident all day and how im going to say it in my head lol. just got a get the bottle and say how i feel

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I Juss Wanna Be The Real Me - Key To My Happiness

william · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 4:27 pm Post subject:

you went to your gp and asked for a referral it would be an nhs referral.

to be honest, gps don't usually have any idea about this so he may not even know where to send you! so it's good even if you look into it beforehand where your nearest nhs gender clinic is- as if your gp doesn't know this, or even if they exist- they may just send you to an ordinary psych, which isn't much use to you really!

if you want to go privately, your gp will know even less about this. but here's Dr Curtis's website- a private trans doctor in London- and it's very useful if you read his FAQ www.transhealth.co.uk

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forum moderator

**Flameboy** · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 4:39 pm Post subject:

william wrote:

to be honest, gps don't usually have any idea about this so he may not even know where to send you! so it's good even if you look into it beforehand where your nearest nhs gender clinic is- as if your gp doesn't know this, or even if they exist- they may just send you to an ordinary psych, which isn't much use to you really!

Not that your nearest NHS Gender Clinic is necessarily where your PCT will have the contract with anyway! There's at least 2 gender clinics nearer to Manchester than London, but as Manchester has a contract with London that's where I have to go.

Also, CX doesn't accept referrals directly from GPs - it has to be through a secondary source - i.e. a local psych. I don't know if this is the same for the other gender clinics.

I'm sure the West Midlands guys will have more information for you if you get in touch with them though!

Dave

confused · Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 30 Location: Around The Way

GO ME

I have just got off the phone with Rico Paris and booked my first appointment for next week. Has anyone on the forums used him before or know of him? If so could you fill me in

Thanks

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I Juss Wanna Be The Real Me - Key To My Happiness