I feel like i need somewhere to write stuff down. this is a place. Hi my name is mallory and im a pre everything mtf from scotland. Ive got my first appointment in like 2 weeks and i cant wait, i have no idea what its gonna be like and tbh im a bit scared but im sure it will be fine. Its all the other stuff thats tough, right?

Ive been living at home for like 2 months now and i REALLY cant stand it, not only because its just generally a bit rubbish living with my mum but also because my twin god damn brother has decided to come back for the summer. Hes a cool person and all that but i feel like im being constantly compared to him every day by my mum and her bf. It was our birthday recently and I didnt feel like doing anything as usual but he dragged me out with some of his friends and we got very drunk, it was a really fun night and all but the whole thing was just another reminder of how god damn uncomfortable i feel in my body and all i could think about half the time was how people perceived me as a man and it made me feel like crap. My bro always being around has also made it impossible for me to try on any of the clothes i buy or dress up in general. Not that ive ever been that much into crossdressing but not having that outlet is depressing.

It feels weird right now where i am in my life, like everything is about to change. Its felt like that for a while and now that im actually moving forward it feels really great. Not that ive actually done very much at all, but im exited about the future for once.

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHhVydgvuAc I love this song so much)

Hi Mallory

Mallory wrote:

Ive got my first appointment in like 2 weeks and i cant wait, i have no idea what its gonna be like and tbh im a bit scared but im sure it will be fine. Its all the other stuff thats tough, right?

Not sure about the 'other stuff' but i had my first appointment about a month and a half ago and i was pretty nervous too, When i finally got into see him i was a bit of a nervous wreck, but in the end there's not much to get nervous about, and i'm sure everything will go ok for you.

Quote:

Ive been living at home for like 2 months now and i REALLY cant stand it,

I've got a lot of empathy here with you, though i have been living at home for 32 years .

Quote:

My bro always being around has also made it impossible for me to try on any of the clothes i buy or dress up in general. Not that ive ever been that much into crossdressing but not having that outlet is depressing.

It used to be like this for me, if it wasn't one of my friends, it was my sister who was constantly there, so it was impossible to do what i wanted to do.

Quote:

It feels weird right now where i am in my life, like everything is about to change. Its felt like that for a while and now that im actually moving forward it feels really great. Not that ive actually done very much at all, but im exited about the future for once.

You've got the ball rolling, that is quite a lot. I think the biggest hurdle is to get the ball rolling in the first place, so don't underestimate what you have already done .
Good luck

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Hi Mallory. Where's your appointment? Quite a few folk here have been through the system in Scotland so maybe they could give you an idea what to expect.

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Gosh darn it, dont you just hate it when stuff happens at exactly the wrong time. Ive got my first appointment on saturday and i cant wait, i feel like im really ready you know. like this might actually be time. Then i get a call from my dad this morning offering me a job (more like a career but anyways) as a trainee engineer in construction working alongside him. Its a highly physically demanding job on a construction site every day. Basically a mans job. Shit. But its a big step up from what i do now in terms everything basically. The rate of pay for a trainee is much more than i get now and doubles once you are fully qualified, it has normal hours, is a real career and he offered me a free car. He really wants this for me. But i dont.
So tomorow we are meeting up to discuss a future i dont want.
Then a day later the future i do want. Fuck, i was so ready for this appointment as well now this has come along and totally thrown me off. Im questioning myself in ways i havent done in years. Thinking about cutting my hair and trying to straighten up and be a man. Jesus christ.

I know im not a very good liar and im struggling to find any excuses to turn him down. Gosh darn it why now. The worst part is im sure he suspects something is amiss with me. Im far from normal and nothing like my brothers. I hardly see him anymore and thats fine with me, like i say i dont like lying and just keeping someone out of my life is easier than dealing with them. But now with this gesture, if i turn him down he might not try to help me again.

So ive got a day to think up a decent excuse...... damn, i shoulda never quit uni.

sounds tough, but don't get depressed about this take some time to breath and depending on your fathers personality maybe he will understand how you feel. You believe he is already suspious about you. Well since you are already getting ready for an appointment, why not try talking to him about it. Though I already know from experience that a parent can't always fully understand and I know how hard it can be to even talk to people about it. It took me forever to convince myself to tell my father. He was very calm about it, but of course he doesn't fully understand and and I'm guessing he has already forgotten, but what I am trying to say is that maybe he will understand and well though it maybe hard, you might want to tell him so that he knows why you don't want to get the job he is offering and maybe the fact that you were willing to tell him the truth, instead of something else, will benefit you. I have read that though it maybe hard to tell family and friends, it maybe good to tell them, so that you have someone to talk to... Not that I can fully agree emotionally with a book. In the end it is up to you the path you walk.

okay I talk to much forgive me and my advice has been known to be wrong before and usually I don't even follow my own advice xD, so I guess my post isn't of much help sorry.

Yay, what an nice month.

Seen therapist for first time, was awesome.
Had some IPL, which im not sure about yet, its done something, i think, the jury is still out on it but still its awesome moving forward.
My Dad was cool about me not working with him.
Got new good paying, good hours, easy, no customer job. I started today and it is awesome.
I FINALLY found a jacket I like. Seriously i cant believe how long it has taken to get this basic thing right. But on my last day of my old job on the way home i found and bought a jacket that was exactly what i was looking for which is awesome.
I think ive got about 45% of what im gonna need as far as clothes go.
I may be moving in with sister who is awesome.
Generally feel good and happy which is really awesome. Just thinking about the future makes me want to scream and laugh and cry all at once.

My brother moved out, which isnt as good as i thought it would be, i like the privacy but now im bored with only my mum and her a-hole boyfriend for conversation.
Bought my first item of guy clothing (that wasnt for a job interview) in like 2 years. A grey t-shirt from gap. It certainly doesnt get more boring than that.
Still not out to anybody which sucks. But i have a plan, kinda, i know who im gonna tell first.

I think my family is getting curious about where exactly my money is going, i mean ive been living at home for 5 months paying only 30quid a week digs, i work all the time, hardly ever go out, yet i have nothing to show for it. Except of course the 3 boxes of "computer stuff" in my wardrobe that i hope they never get curious about....
They keep on trying to borrow money from me and i usually just say yes to keep them from asking where it all went. Ugh £270 that ill never see again. Or have repaid in very small installments whenever i happen to run into my brother.


You know writing this stuff out i suddenly remember why i dont like blogs that much. My life sounds incredibly boring. I swear it isnt........ i think

Don't say that, I bet your life is full of excitement just try to be positive, no life is boring as long as the person enjoys it

I'm happy things are looking up for you. Good luck with that planning.