Since leaving my psych and starting to wean myself of my medication, its been a huge rush of greater consciousness and awareness, resulting in a steep learning curve about myself. I really and truly feel I am transforming. My thoughts are clearer, my dreams are coming back, I don't feel so trapped by the unpleasant things that happened in my past life.

the most recent reduction of medication has been the hardest period yet, the others, while a rapid learning curve, weren't as emotionally difficult as this.

But this evening has been something I really can't put into words. This evening, biking home, I felt the usual happiness from the whole performative 'role' of 'boy on a bike' (basically me looking and feeling like a skater teen on a bike - and loving it).

Got home, had a shower, looked in mirror. I recently shaved off most of the hair on my arms, chest and stomach, and I enjoy not looking like a 'bloke'. Not because I feel 'feminine', just because I don't feel like a man.

Still hate the breasts though, the hips, and the wrong genitalia. Am getting pretty muscly now, and its gotten to the point (my pecs are beginning to really show) where my upper body looks to much like a 'man' (quite triangular until you reach my horrible hips).

But I sure as hell don't feel like a woman, or 'in between', and I don't think I ever will (*tiny twinge of uncertainty, most likely due to ingrained fear of ever wanting to be a woman - I don't want to ever be a woman*

Then after my shower, watched a Queer DVD. And I don't know, my brain went all funny....all these ideas of gender that form part of my identity were dissembling in my mind, very, very quickly, and I just feel, well, different. (Don't get me wrong, I've seen the DVD *erm* loads of times before! )

AGH! I don't know how to put this into words! Its not like I didn't already consider myself 'outside of' gender. I just feel...well..different from before. I can't even put into words what it is.

I still want a totally male body, and if anything, this desire is just getting more certain with time. And that doesn't bother me, apart from worrying about how on earth I will survive the psych process of getting approval for any genital surgery (bleurgh).

I feel like a radically different understanding of what it is to be a human is forming inside my head. In many ways I've done to death the deconstruction and breaking down of Western constructions of 'sex' and 'gender'. So its not just a breakdown of 'sex' and 'gender' in ways which I've read about. And its not me integrating 'feminine' and 'masculine' parts of myself, or anything like that.

I don't have words for this!! Not only don't I have words, I don't have any concepts in my head or grammar to elucidate this...

Has anybody else had this????

x
Dion

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Gender nut and site admin...hehe

My trans research has just been published, see it under 't' in the Tzone library: http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/st.htm
(filename begins with 'Transgender People's Identity Development').

Learning how to generate inner and outer peace in the universe and myself.

probably Autogynephilia LOL

nah seriously - little joke there

I think in simple terms your a man and you want your penis back

that sounds perfectly normal to me

and if you are a gay man then a penis is kinda important in all this x

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Man [...] must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." (Jean Paul Sartre, 1943)

sounds familiar to me, except for the bits about having female parts cos i dont have those

I often try to liken saying being genderqueer is in between man and woman or a combination of the 2 to saying yellow is in between balck and white, or a combination of black and white if that makes any sense

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Moderator

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It's never too late to be who you might have been. - Mary Ann Evans