tzone

**Sparkz** · Advisor Joined: 14 Feb 2007 Posts: 179

Hey there

Good to see you again! Wink

Sometimes feeling 50% male, 50% female at your age will change so that you
-identify as only male OR female when older
-identify as one gender, but enjoying crossdressing sometimes
And sometimes, a person your age may continue to feel half male, half female...identifying as a third gender (neither man nor woman) or as bigendered - both man and woman.

I know you are too young to buy stuff off the net with a credit card, but there are two books that may really help you work all this out. If you print out the details and go into a book shop (the bigger the shop the better), they should be able to order it for you, and you can pay cash.

Here are their details:

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Real-Me-Gender-Diversity/dp/0787965472/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3944899-3429665?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1182760048&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/My-Gender-Workbook-Something-Entirely/dp/0415916720/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3944899-3429665?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1182760162&sr=1-1
The first book has a heap of transpeoples stories about how they worked out who they are. There is a really wide variety of kinds of transpeople in it. The second book is a write-in workbook that can help you sort through the thoughts and feelings in your own head about your gender. Both books are written by transpeople.

Hint- if you are worried your parents may find them, get some old dustcovers from books you already have, and put them over the books. That way they wont know what the books are Wink

Remember to separate what you want for your body with what you want for your lived gender (mind). You might want, for instance,
-a totally female body, but to live as bigendered
-breasts and a penis, and to live as a woman
-a totally male body, and to live as a woman
-a totally male body, and to live as an androgyne
This may help you work out how you would like to live. There are people on these forums living with a huge range of combinations of body 'bits' and genders...there are heaps of us out there!

Remember, trying out different ways to live is a great way to work out your identity! Thus things like these may help:

*when you watch movies, try and work out who you'd like to be out of the characters

*trying out different clothes in your room, or when your family is out

*imagining the 'perfect day' scenario - how would you live if everyone would accept and like you, no matter what your gender and sex is? What would you try out if noone would remember you doing those things tomorrow? (then try and figure out ways to do those things in some way)

*when you are going about your day, imagine the people you are with see you as a girl/boy, and see if you'd like that. What bits of that do you like? what bits don't you like?

Remember, every part of yourself that you like is VALUABLE!! You do not ever, ever have to get rid of parts of yourself, just so that you can fit into some stupid box of 'man' or 'woman'.

All the best,
Sparkz Cool

_________________
Gender nut and site admin...hehe

My trans research has just been published, see it under 't' in the Tzone library: http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/st.htm
(filename begins with 'Transgender People's Identity Development').

Learning how to generate inner and outer peace in the universe and myself.

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Thanks for the book links, it's not going to be possible for me to have the book on me, but I'm going to try to find a way.

In other news... I just had to shave off a mini-mustache. I donno if most normal boys feel this way, but it felt so wrong. It least my face looked more feminine afterwards. And another thing I've been talking, what is the point of a sex change? Aside from sexual things, I don't see to much right now. I feel like such a weirdo, even on this forum...

Edit: Also would it be wrong to be sexually aroused when crossdressing >.>

william · Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 10:29 am Post subject:

i guess boys would have a mixture of feelings to shaving. most enjoy it as it's a rite of passage in a way, but others dislike losing their precious little facial hair that they spent months growing Laughing

however, i don't think most boys would like to desribe themselves as ''more feminine afterwards''.

there's nothing wrong with this though, and don't be ashamed of feeling differently from your peers. you are definitely not a 'weirdo'.

as for feeling sexually aroused when dressed in female clothing, there's nothing uncommon or wrong about that either. plenty of people do, and it's normal for people on the trans spectrum to get more sexual enjoyment out of being seen as/feeling like their correct gender or opposite gender if they are a crossdresser.

_________________
forum moderator

trix · Joined: 13 Jul 2007 Posts: 15

Same here, I wasn't really a girly boy when i grew up. I liked playing outisde with my mates and wasn't really into girly things. Somehow tho I would get these feelings once and a while to be a girl and the few times i was playing with a girl at their home I really enjoyed it.
It didn't really became a problem untill i reached puberty and all the emotions which came with it. I was uncertain about my gender and at that age I also knew about trangender people and i was beginning to think I was one of them. I liked dressing up as a girl, it aroused me and it just fellt right. When i was with a girl, i was jealous of her and I wanted to be her so bad. I fellt ashamed and scared of anyone finding out about it, i just wanted to be normal. A boy without these transgender feelings, so i tried to ignore it.
I stopped cross dressing and at some point I even shot some male hormones to buff my muscles. Now after all these years, I'm still not sure what to do or how far I am on the transgender line. Being a transgender sucks so bad.

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

trix wrote:

Same here, I wasn't really a girly boy when i grew up. I liked playing outisde with my mates and wasn't really into girly things. Somehow tho I would get these feelings once and a while to be a girl and the few times i was playing with a girl at their home I really enjoyed it.
It didn't really became a problem untill i reached puberty and all the emotions which came with it. I was uncertain about my gender and at that age I also knew about trangender people and i was beginning to think I was one of them. I liked dressing up as a girl, it aroused me and it just fellt right. When i was with a girl, i was jealous of her and I wanted to be her so bad. I fellt ashamed and scared of anyone finding out about it, i just wanted to be normal. A boy without these transgender feelings, so i tried to ignore it.
I stopped cross dressing and at some point I even shot some male hormones to buff my muscles. Now after all these years, I'm still not sure what to do or how far I am on the transgender line. Being a transgender sucks so bad.

At first I was like "Yay someone who was just like me they'll know whatto do". Then I kept reading and was like "Damn!" Confused

Quote:

Time for a rewrite of the biography/background thing. More focused on gender stuffs now.

Quote:

Age 3
Well to be honest I'm not sure that I've always wanted to be a girl. Previously I thought the whole wanting to be a girl thing was a bit recent, but as I looked though baby pictures with my dad, I was suprised to see a picture of me wearing a dress. He said at the time I said I wanted to wear it, and my parents thought it was cute. It looked like some sort of angel costume.

Age 6-8
Other then that, my early childhood seems pretty normal. I played with legos, constructing cars and houses, and playing with toy cars. Well probaly not the way most boys would play with toy cars - they talked to each other in a little community. Yes, I did play house, with my little sister quite frequently. My first best friend was a girl, figures huh? This may sound strange but there was an epdiode of the Rugrats, which was talking about how come guys can't wear dresses. This was a bit interesting to me, and set me off thinking. In the 3rd grade I had fantasys about being a girl.

Age 10
I didn't think it was possible to become a girl, so I just forgot about it. But one day, trying to kill time in the libery, I went through the pages of an encolpeida. I came accross an article about Christine Jorgensen. Whoa! This was really interesting. I did some research on the internet, and found out that see isn't simply one of a kind. The first major resource I found was "Fiona's Fantasyland", followed by Lynn Conway's website. I started crossdressing, my first targets: my mom's underwears, which were easy to sneak into the restroom, and my sister's school uniform skirt, which I kind of have a fetish to. I also took swimsuits and pantyhose quite a lot, and put the "disappearing" stuff hidden in the restroom. After a while I got careless with it, thinking "Oh well if I get caught maybe it'll be a good situiation to confess". They were found one day and just removed with no questions.

Age 11
We went on vacation about a year later and I got left alone in hotel rooms sometimes with bags full of my mom's clothing. One day while crossdressed someone knocked on the door, and I paniced and undressed quickly, snapping a bra in the process. My mom thought my sister did it, but she denied it. I stayed low for a while once we got home.

Age 12
My dad comfronted me around this time after finding more girl clothing in the restroom again and he came in a bit angry saying it was wrong and I could disgrace the family. Hearing this, I denyed it again and again. I still continuted, it was just impossible to resist. Stuff was found a few times which I eventually had to admit to, because of the proof my dad had. I broke down crying curled up in my bed everytime, causing my dad to "forgive" me. I had no idea what I could do.

Age 13 to now
I found this forum. And sneaking around clothing is harder now, since all the dirty laundry was moved outdoors done to my dad. I have much better way of moving clothes now. Lose clothing = space. Also daily my mom drives my sister to school early, giving me 5-10 minutes daily to put on dresses, skirts, etc. To this day I'm still confused. I see girls, and frankly, I feel jolious, mostly towards cusions that are well dressed. I'm attracted to some girls and I'm trying to figure out if I want to be with them, or be them. Once in a while I'll have HUGE urges to be a girl, and then I'm fine with what I am. It jumps around so much I can't choose which gender I perfer!

So where am I now? My mind is still on the border, but my body isn't anymore. I've got high school to figure out AND I have to figure out my gender problems AND well... being attracted to girls.

One thing for me to figure out is, do I want to be a girl for the right reasons. Yes, I do like the clothing, and I want to dress up in girl's clothing, but as for the body, it seems mostly sexual. Or are genetic girls like that?

lostandconfusedsoul · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 10

Well I go back to school and my friends that are girls have changed... which makes me will weird.

Now I don't know what the hell to do. In a few months, I'll be here for 2 years long. 15 years old. I only have 2 options, live like now and continue to be a that acts openly (well almost), or become a girl. I thing is that I... wouldn't like a body of a guy, but I won't mind if everything else was ok I guess. This is just being hetrosexual (with a bit of TS?), thinking that a girl's form is a lot gentle, and (here comes the TS part?) that I would perfer that gentler, softer, form?