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Hagi_Cat · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 6:03 am Post subject: Becoming Tinkerbell

I never thought I’d write a blog, honestly I never thought anything I had to say would interest anyone enough… It was only PurplePrincess’s suggestion in my first thread that made me even consider it… But I’ve got a lot I want to get off my chest, and the people here have gone through everything I’m going through, I’m sure, so I guess I’ll give it a go...! Smile

Chapter the First – A little introduction to Hagi Cat

My situation definitely isn’t the most clichéd of gender worries. I certainly didn’t think at the age of six that what I wanted was to be a girl when I grew up. I haven’t known all along that I was totally wrong in this body.
Don’t get me wrong, I certainly wasn’t a normal boy, certainly always associated with girls when I was growing up, but I was also always bright for my age, so I guess I just assumed I wasn’t normal in any way.

Neither did my adventures into the world of crossdressing begin when I tried on a pair of my sister’s panties, or anything like that… Being a fat kid meant I was fairly limited in all clothing choices Laughing

Indeed, I was probably 14 before I wore anything truly feminine – however, I threw myself in at the deep end, and wore a tutu and faerie wings to a fancy dress party, and damn it if it wasn’t a magnificent feeling.

I shed the puppy fat at 13, and shot completely in the other direction weight-wise. This, coupled with the fact that my pubescence started fairly late, meant that I was frequently mistaken for a girl, thus my first sexual relationship had some hilarious moments… Sitting in a quiet park with my girlfriend, with small children hiding in nearby bushes whispering about ‘the lesbians’, is still one of my fondest memories. Very Happy

But even through all this, it never really occurred to me to think about hormones or SRS… Truth be told I don’t, even now, feel the same way many of you seem to… I am not “a woman trapped in a man’s body”… I’ve never liked the thought of giving myself a gender identity, because I really don’t think I’m any gender… I just know that I’m not male…

So anyway, I’d like to end this with a question… If I don’t feel male, if I truly don’t believe I should be a man… Is it right for me to become a woman? Because a part of me is very scared… Scared that I’m making these decisions out of some selfish desire to be seen differently, a desire to end the way people treat me just because I’ve got a pair of balls… Scared that other people will think I’m being a silly, selfish whiner… Damn it, I’m scared that maybe, one day, I’ll look back and think, “What a silly little bitch you were.”

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**PurplePrincess** · Advisor Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 2678 Location: Bristol

Hagi_Cat wrote:

I never thought I’d write a blog, honestly I never thought anything I had to say would interest anyone enough… It was only PurplePrincess’s suggestion in my first thread that made me even consider it… But I’ve got a lot I want to get off my chest, and the people here have gone through everything I’m going through, I’m sure, so I guess I’ll give it a go...! Smile

When you write a blog, I like to think of it as more for you own benefit rather than having to be interesting for other people but you'd be suprised how people find the lives of others interesting. I think blogs are a good way of sharing friendly support and are a wonderful idea on a forum such as this. I'm glad you decided to start a blog, I'm sure people will soon start offering friendly words of advice and support here on whatever you write. Also sometimes it's just nice to share in someones happiness when they write about something that has gone well in their lives.

Hagi_Cat wrote:

But even through all this, it never really occurred to me to think about hormones or SRS… Truth be told I don’t, even now, feel the same way many of you seem to… I am not “a woman trapped in a man’s body”… I’ve never liked the thought of giving myself a gender identity, because I really don’t think I’m any gender… I just know that I’m not male…

So anyway, I’d like to end this with a question… If I don’t feel male, if I truly don’t believe I should be a man… Is it right for me to become a woman?

Gender although seen by many as black and white really isn't like that, don't feel that you should have to identify as a stereotypical woman. Many people do feel inbetween and we have on the forums the section 'Genderqueer and Androgyne' which is a section particularly for people who identify as somewhere inbetween. It's normal for some people to identify as somewhere inbetween and be uncomfortable with a male body and want a female one or be more comfortable in a male body but just want to be seen as more feminine. Gender is very diverse and I like to think of it as a wide spectrum where people identify themselves at different points along it.

I think the most important thing is to be yourself and don't worry if you don't fit into certain stereotypes, afterall it's your life and you need to be happy with who you are.

PS. Hehe, what a great signature, I just worked it out, lol.

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SamanthaH · Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 130 Location: Merseyside

Quote:

PS. Hehe, what a great signature, I just worked it out, lol.

Is it supposed to be Kirby?

Arya · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 124

Best, signature, EVER!

Go go Kirby-chan!

Hagi_Cat · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 1:51 pm Post subject:

Heehee, I'm glad people can work it out Very Happy

Tragically, it doesn't seem to display properly in the sig... There should be more spaces between Kirby and the sweet... But apparently, people get it anyway, so I'm happy!

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>@< <('O'<)
===>@< <('O'<)
(>'x'<)
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Arya · Joined: 18 Feb 2007 Posts: 124

Use the [color=white.] and [./color] without the fullstops, and put fullstops between them as spaces ^^

Hagi_Cat · Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:59 am Post subject:

Well, it's been a fair while since I've posted - moving to uni is an even more stressful experience than I'd expected. I'm mostly settled in now though, so I've finally got time to carry on posting... I'm still not sure about writing a blog, but the last post was fairly cathartic, so even if nobody reads it I'll feel better, I guess Smile

Chapter the Second - A New Home

So I moved into Bath University on Sunday evening. I'm living in halls on campus - it's magnificent for lectures, as I'm less than a five minute walk from the main teaching rooms. There's a 24 hour library on campus as well, so I can get my work done during the sorts of hours I'd normally be awake, hurrah!

What's not magnificent, however, are the people I've been given to live with. Now, I'm not teetotal by any stretch of the imagination - I thoroughly enjoy going out for a few quiet drinks with friends - but I certainly can't comprehend this need to drink as much as possible in as short a time as possible, proceed to vomit on everything, and then stand in corridors at four in the morning making an arse of yourself. Confused

Oh, and did I mention that they all seem rather homophobic as well?
"Yeah, I kissed a man once, but it was AS A DARE. I don't want you thinking I'm some kind of faggot or anything." Shocked

Oh my... For someone who thinks of themselves as "mostly lesbian, in a male body", this is a disturbing situation to find myself in.

I'm hoping that this brash, drunken, over-the-top masculinity is simply due to it still being freshers week, and that they'll calm down soon, because I don't want to feel this uncomfortable for the next year.

But hey, enough of the badness. Since I've arrived, I've also emailed the LGBT organisation here regarding finding a trans friendly GP. The group itself seems lovely and thoroughly willing to help, but as they said themselves, "The T in LGBT is a fairly new addition, and we're only just learning about trans issues ourselves", so it looks like it's going to be a learning process for everyone! Very Happy

Anyway, I'm going to sneak out for a quick cig before my drunken housemates come back and yell at me - they're ALL non-smokers as well, bonus! Rolling Eyes

- so if you've read all this, thanks for your time Smile

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>@< (>'.'<) -?!
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===>@< <('O'<)
(>'x'<)
...(>^.^)>

**Reenie** · Reporter Joined: 08 Feb 2007 Posts: 3577 Location: Glasgow

Settling into a new home is always stressful. Your roomies will probably sober up at some point. Their bank balances will inevitably catch up with them.

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aimee · Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 64

if someone was being homophobic (and i was pre transition), i'd just say 'yeah, well, i'm gay, what u saying?' and give them a good wind up!

As for trans friendly GPs, uni docs are, i have found, more familiar with it than others, so sign up to the one thats either at uni or for the uni. My GP is a uni GP with 3 or 4 other trans patients.

As for LGBTs, they can be quite crap at the start of their lives of T stuff. In some LGBTs Biphobia can still exist, and they could have introduced the B nearly 10 years ago.
Changing them takes time, and its a learning curve for both with trans issues. And it will make a world of difference to the ones that come later.

I pretty much took an LGB (with a T, but it meant nothing, and no trans people) to a full LGBT within 6 months. NUS only changed just over a year ago.