Phew, so here it is, the beginning of my blog. I've been deliberating over what to write for days now and as clarity over how I feel has begun to settle in i've also begun to find it easier to write about it. Just because I'm starting the think clearer doesn't mean this will be easy to follow though!

Firstly I feel it's important to express how incredible it is that this site is here, using it and begining to be part of the community means a lot to me, at a time in my life that going out of my bedroom is rare and interacting with people outside of a close few is even rarer it's liberating to be able to slip into something more comfortable and express myself without feeling pressured to be "The Jess Saunders". [note: I changed my title to The informally around a year ago as I thought that both Miss and Ms assumed too many things about me, not least my gender].
"The Jess Saunders" is someone that hundreds of people know and assume is happy, a leader of people she is sometimes bossy but is also capable. Hundreds of aquaintances, very few friends. When I had a breakdown a year ago, halfway through being vice president of my SU, nobody new about it- I'd see people and my mask was so well versed that I could sit back and break inside while my confident mask took over. Even people who assumed they were close to me didn't know that I was breaking/broken, when I first reacted badly to SSRIs and was taken to hospital nobody knew. My gf at the time bore a lot of the brunt of it and she was also trying to introduce me to the trans network online at the time because she could see how unhappy I was with my body but I couldn't face it. It's a big deal that I'm able to do this now.
I've come a long way since a year ago, in a million ways, I've moved back to my home town and I started carving out a life for myself but I was promoted in my job after 3 weeks and once again everybody had big expectations and I wasn't ready, I was only just getting over the panic attacks when they started again. A month ago I quit work again and now I'm living in a room, my girlfriend and 2 other friends are the only people I see outside of family and they're the only ones that I can talk to about this (but at least I have them I suppose). I haven't told my family anything but I do think it's too soon to tell them. It's important that I wait only because I know that if I let myself go then my impatience will have the better of me and I'll be telling all and sundry that they should refer to me as "he".
This isn't like coming out as gay, gay is distant and behind closed doors. Gay is who you fancy or fuck. Gay is hard because you're acknowledging to people that you're a sexual being and immediately it's about what you do in the bedroom. But gay isn't the immediate, gay can be hidden. Trans isn't something that only needs to come up once or twice, trans is everytime someone talks to or about you. It's not changing the misconception of who you love, it's changing the previous misconception of who you are.
Gender is an intrinsic part of how people treat you, the times when I've been "sirred" [mistaken for a man, called sir etc. It's a phrase my ex used and I liked] I've been treated differently. In that, because people see me as female, they treat me as such. I'm welcomed into a group of women (only part way, I'm still a "lesbian" after all) and only allowed with a group of men if they can occasionally make reference to my breasts/curvy figure/lesbianism and talked down to slightly. I'm allowed hugs from both men and women (something I never want to lose) the list is endless and most of the time I go along with it, which worries me further because sometimes that feels natural. But as I've mentioned on here before I feel that it doesn't matter what a "man" would do, what matters is what I would do. What I do do.

I'm a guy that hugs
I'm a guy that cries
I'm a man that is incredibly vain
I'm a boy who climbs trees
I'm a man that is in touch with his emotions
I'm a guy who knows how to touch a woman from touching himself
I'm a guy that does impressions
I'm a guy that is ironically camp, though sometimes it might just look feminine. (irony is lost on those that just look at my obvious gender.)
I'm a man who really wants a beard
I'm a guy with a bit a belly
I'm a man who likes to be held
I'm a man who likes to be both at the top and the bottom

He. His. Man. I'm not quite used to these words talking about me yet.
I worry that because I wouldn't want to lose many of my feminine attributes (I cry, a lot. I love being held etc) then I may as well stay as a woman but since thinking about it I realised I was wrong. When I used to think of me transitioning I thought about me "turning into" a man, thinking I'd have to change and mould myself into either the ideal man or the man I would have been if I'd been born into it. But that's wrong, I am who I am and I've gone on this journey for a reason. If (when?) I transition it'll be to be seen how I wish to be perceived. Aspects of my personality may change because of T but who I am is who I am and it's important that I don't change to fit a ready built model. I didn't do that when people saw me as female so why the hell should I when I present as a man? When I think of myself with a flat chest and a beard it makes me really happy. I want to be a kind, caring man- kinda like I am now just hairier.
I feel that being a woman and being me doesn't quite add up- what people expect when they see me isn't what I provide and it confuses me. Am I seen first as a Person or a Woman? Do people see Lesbian or Individual? Assumptions are made because of my hair and my clothes and then I worry about how I should have my hair or what to wear because yes, I do care what people think. I tried to dress girly 18 months or so ago and I felt really attractive because my clothes fitted and people gave appreciative glances but I also felt desperately unhappy. I was lying to people and myself and I don't cope with that very well. The few times I've dressed really girly by choice I've done it as though it's fancy dress (essentially I was in drag, just really convincingly!) I actually quite enjoy wearing ridiculous outfits and makeup if I'm doing it for a reason but day to day I can't do it.


I just got distracted by a phonecall (my gf Lisa is back from france today, whoop!) so my train of thought has gone. I was going to write about my family (disfunctional to the max) and about who I am etc but what I've written is probably a far more honest account of who I am right now. deduce from it what you will, I've found it great to write it down and I'll be back soon to add to it.

JB

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Thanks Chrissy, and well done for getting through the mountain of words! I don't feel very sorted atm, I just feel confused.

It's easy at the moment because I'm not in the real world, I'm a footnote to it. I don't have to worry about other people's perceptions of me because I'm not interacting with anybody outside of my safe zone (gf, 2 friends and family) apart from around 1hr a week when I do cheerleading (I know, random. I do it with my aunt and uncle as my cousins cheer and they've set up a parents group and it's free. I've had a quiet word with the woman who is choreographing and she's said I can do the mens moves where there's a choice as I didn't feel comfortable having to present as female when doing it- if there's a choice of costume I'll where the mens too. I'm not out as trans but maybe they'll just assume I'm a butch lesbian which will piss me off and I'm really not that butch and once again it's lying to people but for obvious reasons I'm not ready to out myself yet.) I don't really see anybody.

I mentioned my girlfriend Lisa in my previous post, she's back now after being away for 10 days skiing with family and I've missed her so much. It's hard to explain, it wasn't like when you normally miss a loved one: you get on with life, fawning occasionally and have the obligatory pangs and cravings. But this time was unlike any other time (and I had a gf for 3 years of uni who was back here in lboro while I was in bath so i've done time apart!) because it made me realise how dependent I am on her. At the moment, as I've mentioned, I'm taking time off work to pull myself back together (or I think that's what I'm doing, either way I'm off work) so I'm not a fully functioning person. I spend the majority of my days in my room doing bugger all and until she went away I hadn't realised that I spend all that time waiting for Lisa. I sometimes do other things too; visit my grandparents (who raised me, so it's like going to see my parents), see my cousins, have kayleigh or chris round (my 2 close friends) etc but it's all just filler for the main event- spending time with Lisa. So when she went away it meant that the structure to my days fell through, suddenly I was floating in a sea of boredom and nothingness. The waves of my moods settled to nothing- I was almost emotionally catatonic apart from small but sudden and violent storms of depression.
None of the people in my life really see my "storms" apart from Lisa, it's obvious to anybody who knows me to see that i've lost some of my usual vibrancy but I still keep a mask in place- well timed smiles and efforts at conversation. Family don't see how low I go, or even how high. As we all have, I imagine, I have an image within the family and while I try to be as honest as possible about who I am (a recurring theme in my life is fear of misrepresenting myself) I also have to bring all my elements to the middle ground for fear of repercussion.
But what repurcussion could be that bad? I guess this is where I introduce my family to you and also air out within my head who all these people are to me and to each other. My family is structurally very confusing so I've done a big block of text at the bottom wading through the who's who's (and the who's whose... as it were) i'd recommend reading it first but I realise it's long.


Right Jonny, deep breath.
This is where the therapy starts.

I'm in the middle of my family. I don't mean that the world revolves around me (though I am narcissistic enough to believe that) but I do mean it in a few different ways:
1) I'm the only person that everybody talks to
to clarify:
My mums side don't talk at all to my dads side and vice versa
My gran rarely talks to my brothers* [*n.b. my brothers invariably means my mums sons as I'm close to them despite never living with them]
my aunt rarely talks to my brothers
my aunt and gran talk little with my mum
2) I'm the reason it's all a bit squew-iff. Or, I'm the bi-product of it.

My mum is bipolar, though when she was diagnosed I don't know but I think it's recent. I'm not using this as an excuse or even a reason but it's important that you get an idea of what she's like. In my opinion she may even be schizophrenic, she makes up her own reality and lives in it. She can be disarmingly charming but because her reality and everybody elses don't match up her charm can be easily lost. As she was growing up my mum must have disappointed my grandparents tenfold because I can't pinpoint a moment from when she did something wrong but there's an overwhelming disappointment when they talk about her. Jenny, her sister, on the other hand is all sweetness and light, professional musician, lovely family, lovely husband.
There's an ongoing struggle raging over whose I am. Who I belong to. My mum will declare to me that I'm her only daughter, her first born, I'm hers and her parents stole me off her and wouldn't let her have me back.
My gran will whisper in my ear as we hug "you're my little girl".

Gender. Gender is at the heart of where I am in my family.

I used to think to myself when I was little that my dad wouldn't have left if I'd been a boy. This seemed to prove itself when he had another daughter and left her mum too (I heard about it on the grapevine) and my adult self still can't shake it, he's had 2 sons by his 3rd wife and stayed.

My mum has 4 children, only 1 biologically female, only 1 favoured by the grandparents.
I can see why they didn't take my brothers in if they weren't at risk but I can't see why they have no contact with them now. Forgetting me (as I'm considered a daughter to them) they have 5 grandchildren. They ignore/resent the 3 boys and lavish attention on the 2 girls.
Admittedly the boys are my mums and the girls are my aunts so it's the treatment of the mother passed down but I still think it's a funny pattern.

My fear is rejection.
I'll get rejected if I am not a girl
I was rejected because I wasn't a boy.

I have a crippling fear of being like my mum, my gran would use the words "you're turning out just like your mother" to sting me as a child and I'd fold under the weight of those words. Turning out like your mother, not being as good as Jenny. We'll reject you like we did to her and you won't get all the benefits of being our daughter. Do I have to be a daughter? Could they cope if I was a son? Or would I be relegated to grandson and ignored?
I've only realised writing this about how scared I am of being rejected by my grandparents. What if I'm ill for too long? What if I am too extreme? What if they see me crying? What if I'm not good enough? I'm supposed to be so good.
What if I turn out like my mother?

It's mothers day soon. I really don't like mothers day.


I've gone on for long enough and I haven't eaten yet today which leads to foulness and general irritability. Nice. Lisa is out at uni so once again I'm passing time waiting til she brightens my day again. I really do need to get a life but the thought of going downstairs to make cereal is hard enough so I'll wait before I throw myself into bigger things.





***The following is how my family is structured, it's only there so any readers can get the gist of who I'm talking about when I start spilling my guts about emotions with my family. Yes I know, it's really really long. I considered throwing some knock knock jokes in just to keep the reader entertained but I decided instead to write this disclaimer warning that you may not wish to read my arduous description of my family but without it everthing else I've written may not make sense.
As I mentioned I was raised by my grandparents (my mums parents) and this was from when I was 5 (a month before my 6th bday). The reasons as to why this was are vague and I've been told different stories at different times and it's quite likely that they're all true and it's just that there were loads of reasons and it just seemed like the right thing to do.
I was from my mums first marriage (also my dads, they were both 20ish) and my mum divorced him when I was 2, married again almost immediately and had 3 sons by her 2nd husband. When I was 5 1/2 she'd just given birth to her 4th child and my youngest brother. Her 2nd husband was abusive, definitely to my mum and the assumption is also to me. I have some vague memories but very few definite to go on and I found out recently from my aunt that when I stayed with them I showed fear of him. The reasons stated as to why I should live with my grandparents do include the escape the abuse, it's been suggested that I'd be dead if I'd stayed with them but I don't know whether that's just melodramatic. My mum divorced him shortly after and went on to marry another 2 men, she's still married to the 4th.
So structurally that's my mums side: grandparents, mum and her younger sister (my aunt), my mums 4 children (me oldest) and my aunt (Jenny) has 2 children (both girls) and a stable loving husband (David).
Structurally I only know a bit about my dads side. I was in Tescos when I was 17 with my gran and a woman came up to me and said "Jessica! I'm your grandmother!" Safe to say I was shocked (not least because she called me Jessica- Nobody Calls Me Jessica!) but when I spoke to her I was introduced to my dads 3rd wife (she was his fiance at this point) and 2 young boys who are my 1/2 brothers I also found out that I have a half sister called Harriet. 2 weeks later I met my dad for the first time. Best coming out story ever: I suddenly realised that while everybody else in my world new I was gay he didn't so the first words I said to my estranged father were "By the way I'm gay". I don't know what I expected when I said that but the shock and not talking weren't it! Sometimes I don't think things through.

Anyway, so that's the (sort of) structure of my family- there was nothing therepeutic in me writing it, it was more just to get it all clear in my head so much as anybody elses. Sometimes it's by writing it down I can see just how messed it is, it's like seeing it from above and I can see how a family should be structured (even one rent apart by divorce) and how mine actually is...

That was really interesting, Jonny. As you said, it's good to get things out in words. Thanks for sharing your story.

_________________
It's Sunrise On The Sufferbus

If you can access my blog in the 'old forum archives', you will see my posts are not unlike the ones here. There are so many things which I can relate to, and now I am 15 months transitioned (mtf) and almost a year on hormones - at times I never knew whether I would make it, but I'm here now!

Fear of losing your 'female' part of your identity is perfectly normal, but any kind of transition (if you chose to undergo it in the physical sense) does not mean any of that has to be lost. There are many 'true selves' and not just the one - for me, the 'he' that I used to be is still part of me in some ways, although at the same time, it was still difficult to leave certain elements behind, but ultimately liberating. But while I say 'the he I used to be' in some ways I have always been the woman I am now, so it's kinda complicated and like two thoughts that are simultaneous. Always follow your instincts and what you know to be true - so if you see yourself as a man with a partly female identity or whatever, then go for it.

Fear of rejection is also very natural, and the dynamics and relationships within your family are deeply rooted, particularly in terms of gender - I felt guilty for 'killing' their darling 'blue eyed boy' initially, and it's only over around a year or so that I have 'rebuilt' the relationship with my family as their daughter, and now they couldn't imagine me any other way. Of course, over this time, family may realise that it's not such a 'dramatic' change after all - since you are still essentially the same, you have the same memories, personality, and relationships, but you can be more free in terms of your gender.

I would advise you not to feel down if you aren't one of those people who 'always knew' about themselves. Many of us don't, and it can take a long time to figure out the right path for us, whatever that may be, I know it did for me. What may help is figuring out what you definitely don't want, or don't want to be, which is often easier to work out. For example, could you cope as a masculine 'blokish' woman, or perhaps a 'boi' who has a generally male persona but with a physically female body? Or is there something about such options that isn't quite right?

I wish you the very best of luck and that you can find peace in yourself, in whatever way that may be.

Also, I met you quite a long time ago some time back in march or april last year at the LGBT NUS Conference thing in Birmingham. I was wearing a bright red top with long black hair

_________________
It's never too late to be who you might have been. - Mary Ann Evans

Hi jonnyblue and a belated welcome to Tzone.

Sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on in your life and you've sort of retreated for a while. Have you thought about what you're going to do next? You've commented that you feel very dependent on your gf at the moment. Is there anything constructive you can do to pass time when she isn't around? Something like the cheerleading that will get you out of the house without being pressurising like work.

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Check out the Tzone team bios (including mine!) at: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Supporting the family, friends and partners of trans people in the UK: http://www.depend.org.uk/support.html
If you are struggling we will support you
If you are celebrating we will join you

This is just a quick one, I'll blog properly when I've got a bit more time BUT I wanted/needed to say that I'm back, and back out...
Yeah, that's right, I retreated to the safest darkest corner of my little t closet where I sat hugging my knees for the last 8 months. Sad times for poor little Jonny.

Brief summary- family has changed, diagnosis has changed, medication has changed, how I feel has changed and I've also had a haircut!

Soooooo I'm feeling pretty good about my gender right now. My binder is sexy as and as I shrunk it in the wash (whoops) it's now extra bindy (whoop!). But I've had a bad lotta months, I got really worried that I needed to be skinny to be trans and that maybe I should just live as androgyn and meh meh meh. When I was last on here it was really really soon after having a break down and it's taken me ages to get to a point where I'm accepting that having time off is what I need and nobody can get at me for that. (paranoia= my number 1 enemy).

I've changed my look, changed from lesby jeans (you know the type I'm sure- the kind that next brands as "boyfriend jeans") and a hoody to mens smart trousers and a jumper that I wear with my awesome ajacket and my fender shoes- in all I look a little like dr who which is kinda the look I'm going for. I feel so much more like me- a plus! My hair is pretty long, but shortish on the sides and back, a little too like hitler I realised the other day, but meh- it's hot so i'm cool with it.

I've been browsing youtube for ftm stuff and found some pretty awesome vlogs so I'm going to start my own- I want to be able to track myself on this journey <---- this is where I'm so different from 8 months ago- I'm ready to start the journey, I'm not just going to wonder if I should. I called my dr and on Wed 29th at 9am I'm going in and asking her what the next stage is. Does anybody have any advice as to what to say? Also, as I've been suffering with mental ill-health for nearly a year, will that affect how seriously she takes me? I've heard rumours that dr's will wait until you've had the all clear for 2 yrs? Not sure but it's scaring me either way.

I can't remember whether I've posted on here about my diagnosis so I'm going to just put a quick summary: I have borderline personality disorder and elements of bipolar depression, (I'm on 1000mg of valproate semi-sodium a day for anybody that cares, and it's doing wonders).

Ooh! I had my first consultation with a specialist personality disorder clinic and in a few weeks I have my second, followed by another 6 month waiting list and then 2 years of weekly group meetings- sounds fun eh? I can't wait to be back in the land of the living- there's only so much World of Warcraft a guy can play... (pm me if u play too lol)

Riiiiiight, I didn't manage to be very brief did I? But in short I'm infinitely better than I was and I'm feeling good- especially as I'm sitting here in my binder ready to paint the town rainbow (loughborough's first gay night in forever tonight!)

Catch y'all later

JB

Hey Jonnyblue!

Good to see you back mate - I was just wondering about you a few days ago Sorry to hear you've been having a rough time - but glad to hear you're pretty much out the other side now.

Good luck at the GP on the 29th. I've got no idea how they treat people who have had mental ill-health, but I do know that it's not a complete barrier to getting treatment or anything like that. I'm sure they look at each person as an individual though, so I guess there's only one way to find out... keep us posted with how you get on.

BTW, I know you've been up to Manchester before, so if you fancy it again sometime we'd love to see you again at a MORF meeting - or, of course, at the board meet on 15th November if you're free then ,

Dave

It's great to hear from you again Jonny

jonnyblue wrote:

Soooooo I'm feeling pretty good about my gender right now.

Yay that's great.

jonnyblue wrote:

(paranoia= my number 1 enemy).

That is so true for most of us, it can make things appear a lot worse than they actually are.

jonnyblue wrote:

I called my dr and on Wed 29th at 9am I'm going in and asking her what the next stage is. Does anybody have any advice as to what to say? Also, as I've been suffering with mental ill-health for nearly a year, will that affect how seriously she takes me? I've heard rumours that dr's will wait until you've had the all clear for 2 yrs? Not sure but it's scaring me either way.

Are you seeing your GP for the first time about gender dysphoria? I would just explain to your doctor how you are feeling and that you want to be referred to a gender identity clinic for treatment for your gender dysphoria. I'm not sure about other mental health issues and how that will affect you getting treatment for gender dysphoria, but I think you still ought to get treatment.

Good luck Jonny and let us know how you get on.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

just a suggestion,but how about jason? there are a lot of jasons around here lol,all under 25 yrs,seems there was a phase locally when loads of parents named thier sons that.
best wishes n good luck.

I don't really feel like a Jason lol! Jay certainly feels right and I think that Jonathan is a good first name as it can be professional as well as shortened.

I'm finding it such a relief to think about trans issues and feel positive about it- bring on the next step! i'm meeting jamiefox in nottingham on saturday, i'm hoping that talking to someone else at the eatrly stages of transition with be a positive experience.

jsut had to put my gf's cat down, she's gutted as Snuggleson was her favourite person in the whole world (I've gone up in rankings now lol) and that's first in her mind, she's ignoring any comments I make about trans issues, and I'll leave it at that for now- though I'm bursting to talk about top surgery and how t will affect me and how exciting it all is. An exercise in patience- seomthing i'm going to need for the coming months/years eh?

Jay x

hiya jay

im sorry to hear about your gf cat, its not good when you lose a family pet

enjoy your trip tomorrow (sat) to met another ftm

its good to hear your feeling postivie about your journey ahead
if you every want to chat please feel free to email me, if you pm me im always happy to help anyone

its also good to hear that you can share some if the responsibility re your brothers and family life

enjoy your weekend

jaketspudd

I'm so pissed off right now. So annoyed!

I've been bricking myself over seeing my mum tomorrow and she fucking cancelled. I don't have the energy right now to deal with it fully and get all my thoughts out so I'll blog about it soon. I've noticed that I'm doing that a lot at the moment- fobbing thigs off and hoping to do it later. I'm doing nothing with my life and yet I still don't have the time to do anything. pathetic really.

I'm so tired of this struggle, I just wish I was well enough to work and able to earn money and be part of society. I feel constantly drained, I've got so much responsibility and I'm not coping. I got a text through from my brothers school reminding me that it's not half term any more- I get the texts because I'm his guardian since mum got intolerable to live with. I'm a parent to 2 teenagers before I even have babies.

My house is a mess and there's between 3 and 5 people living in a 2 bedroom house. It's driving me mad.

I can't believe my mum cancelled! ARGH! I was so ready, so prepared to tell her all the things on my mind, and let her know that I want to help her if she will take it but if not then I'm going. That's it. She's going to lose me. In many ways she already has but I need to be the bigger man and be open and honest with her, I can't just cease communication because I find her attitude and selfishness repulsive. Y'know she openly said that the only reason she's not divorcing her current (4th) husband is because his mother is on her death bed and she wants her half of the inheritance?! She has said that out loud. The reason she's not meeting me tomorrow is because her mother in law has taken a turn for the worse. Ha! She only wants to be there to be the first one to start the party if she dies. My aunt and grandmother are hoping that I'm the final hope- it's fallen to me to tell my mother that she's got mental health issues and needs to seek help, that she's an alcoholic and needs to seek help, that she's pushing her family away and needs to realise that her actions have consequences for others and we're all hurting/struggling/have issues because of her.

I need to write a full list of what I need to say to her but I'm so so scared- scared that it's not happening tomorrow but scared for when it does happen. I've spent the whole of today moping and not quite coping all because of nerves of tomorrow and then she cancels- all my worrying wasted! Maybe I should take a lesson from this? : Don't worry, it's not worth it... :

What if she cancels again? I think I'm going to give her a 3 strikes rule- if she cancels 3 times in a row I'm gone with no regrets. I'll let her know that's how I'm working and if she can't prioritise us meeting (I'm not asking much, she doesn't need to bring anything other than herself) then I know the answer to my questions before I even meet her.

I know she doesn't care about anybody other than herself, her actions to date have proved that already, but that doesn't mean that someone letting her know won't change things. Maybe I hope to much?

Gender stuff is on my mind all the time, like- All the time. I'm feeling pretty comfortable about it in myself I'm just desperate to talk about it and there doesn't seem to be anybody to talk to. My dad is under his wife's thumb and she seems funny about me going round atm (apparently I disrupt things? My siblings on that side are so unruly they need a zoo- I bring order to chaos in some ways!) but meh, they were sort of a bonus mfamily anyway- I've only got to know them recently. God that's so harsh. I'm so scared of them rejecting me I reject them at the first sign of trouble. Bad Jay. Bad bad Jay.

I'm so tired, not only because it's late at night, but also because I feel like I'm carrying so much on my shoulders. My list of things to do is relatively small and yet I carry it in my pocket like a tome- weighing me down. Small tasks appear impossible, for example I've been trying to write this blog for 12 hours and Ive only just succeeded (but succeed I did, self five *claps hands*). I'm bridging the gao between hero and pathetic- I take on waifs and strays, providing emotional support and a roof over many heads, but ask me to mail a letter and I'll break down.

And so I must bid you goodnight. I'm going to go upstairs, take my medication, brush my teeth, strip down to boxers and snuggle in with my girlfriend. Ugh, girlfriend stuff. She isn't coping well with trans stuff, I'm not coping with anything and I'm not getting anything done (see above para) so communication is fraught. Ugh again.

N'night

Jay x

p.s. I actually managed to get a lot fo stuff out- go me! Self five again! *claps*

p.p.s. I've started asking people to call me Jay- I'm going to have to make a topic somewhere on the forum about this as it's proving to be an effort. And with a final Ugh, goodnight.

_________________
Has anybody seen my beard? I've been looking for it since puberty...

Hey Jay,

Not really sure what to say, but i feel for you mate. It sounds like you genuinely do have a lot of responsibility at the moment, and probably wouldn't mind a bit of looking after yourself (as we'd all like from time to time!) as you deserve.
Well done for writing it out.
I'll pop back in again when i'm not so sleepy, but just wanted to high-five ya!

take care mate,
Nick