Hello, again.
I'm all mixed up (once again... ) about what is to be done with my gender issues.
I suppose a whole lot of people have been through such phases or are still going through them. I think it would really help to see and discuss some oppinions on this matter. I know I should be seeing some therapist about all this and I plan on doing so very shortly.
(The reason I haven't done that already is -mostly- cause I didn't like the idea of some profesional -who get's paid for it- getting involved in my personal matters. But I have to get over such feelings, I suppose...)


Anyway, I reckon I should start with defining what I mean by "essential". For one, I am talking about the case that one's transexualism is based on his/her brain being, from a very early stage (perhaps even "embryonic"), "programmed" to "recieve" a body which is very different than the one he/she actually has.
In a broader sense, I can define it as the type of issues that would be -definately- better addressed through transition than they would be through other "roads"...

I usually think that that is the case with me, but I also have reasons to suspect that it could be otherwise...
There are some "what ifs" I suppose one has to rule out before going through such a (extremely) difficult thing as transitioning seams to be.

For example, "what if" someone's transexual issues are more essentially a kind of phantasizing? Some type of "sexual phantasising" perhaps? That "autogynephylia" thing, perhaps? (I don't think that it is a disease, a "paraphilia" or a disorder or anything like that, but it still ain't transexualism)
I was always keen on phantisizing on all sorts of stuff when I was a kid and a teenager (and I never completely dropped it as an adult...). So what if my "transexualism" was something like the "Queen of my phantasies"? What if my issues are more essentially that of addressing "reality" than of "gender"?

I suppose there are quite a few more "what ifs" to be ruled out. Another example: I happen to know a (straight) woman who has had, for all her life, serious issues with her femininity. She fought her femininity back as much as she could... After having therapy, however, she discovered that her issues were not -essentially- "her own". Her issues were actually her "internalizing" (that's how we would say it in greek, I am sorry but I do not know any english word or expression for that ) the wishes and "wants" of her parents and kin. When she was born her family desperately wanted a boy... And they also "radiated" to her all that "a boy is superior to a girl" muck... Anyway, after therapy, she is doing pretty well with her femininity and all and is quite contempt with herself.
(I also have reasons to suspect my mother, cause of her own lifes experiences, also prefered a girl to a boy, when I was born... It's just a suspicion though... I don't have any "concrete" facts on that...)


Well, whatever, I know that it is more probable, that instead of being some champion phantasizer or a victim of my mother's childhood traumas, I am just a transgender person who's been proven a chicken and a coward, up to now... But before "I place my head on the executioner's table" (and, believe me, that is close to how transitioning -practically- looks, from ..this part of the world) I must at least be convinced that there is sufficient reason to do so...

Thanks for your patience on reading me out.

I personally feel that transitioning really is an essential way of dealing with transsexual issues if your gender dysphoria is impairing your daily life to the degree where it's really causing you big problems being able to function and live your life.

irini wrote:

For example, "what if" someone's transexual issues are more essentially a kind of phantasizing? Some type of "sexual phantasising" perhaps? That "autogynephylia" thing, perhaps? (I don't think that it is a disease, a "paraphilia" or a disorder or anything like that, but it still ain't transexualism)

I don't know much about fantasies but I would think that fantasies might come and go whereas gender dysphoria might feel more constant. Of course I think gender dysphoria can probably wax and wane as you go through life too. Perhaps someone living a fantasy might struggle to keep themselves involved in the fantasy in the long term, I don't really know.

I do think it is very difficult for some people that have doubts. It can be difficult for some to know for sure if transitioning is the right thing for them to do. I think for people who feel that way then time spent living as your desired gender can really help to clarify some doubts. Of course I do understand it's an uncomfortable and even risky situation for some people to come out, especially if they are not sure it's the right thing to do.

My personal view is that there isn't any real hard and fast way of telling someone whether transitioning is the right thing to do. It's something that you have to work out yourself. I think lots of people do have niggling doubts, I think it's only natural to do so. For me personally coming out at my work and then living as a woman really helped erase some small doubts that were going through my mind.

irini wrote:

But before "I place my head on the executioner's table" (and, believe me, that is close to how transitioning -practically- looks, from ..this part of the world) I must at least be convinced that there is sufficient reason to do so...

I guess things are much harder if trans people are not as accepted in your part of the world. I do understand that you want to feel sure and coming out presents a real danger for you. I really don't know what I can say. I guess it might help to ask yourself whether your desire to live as a woman is great enough to justify putting yourself in the sort of danger you feel transitioning will bring or if you really feel that carrying on living as a man is just too much of a lie to continue with.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. I really wish you the best and hope you can find out some answers.

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

I can't speak for anyone else but in my mind, I just sort of knew that something needed to be done, simple as that.

As for the trapped in the wrong body idea. I personally think this is a complete load of crap and similar to a fat person saying they're a thin person trapped in the wrong body. Yeah okay, some things on a body aren't alterable but some are. It's the body we were given and ultimately, we can customise it until we're happy and get things we need done. It's not the wrong one. It might not be a great one but it's the one we were given to do with whatever we want or need done .

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time dealing with the thoughts though. Sometimes trying to justify it can be harder than just getting on with things.

_________________
Hellfrozeover be a pirate and a Transgenderzone moderator.

I don't stand under the TG umbrella anymore, it's way too bitchy and crowded in there but it's sunny out here

I am grateful to you both for your replies


Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"I personally feel that transitioning really is an essential way of dealing with transsexual issues if your gender dysphoria is impairing your daily life to the degree where it's really causing you big problems being able to function and live your life."

I am quite certain that something is impairing with my everyday life and all. I have good reasons to suspect that it could be my gender dysphoria. But I am not sure yet (what if the gender dysphoria was initially caused by something else? That is a question I might have to sort out).

Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"I don't know much about fantasies but I would think that fantasies might come and go whereas gender dysphoria might feel more constant. Of course I think gender dysphoria can probably wax and wane as you go through life too."

Yes I generally agree with you. My gender dysphoria is constant enough. It did seam to wane out for short whiles (especially when I happened to be deeply in love or something... oh, dopamine... ), than it always managed to show back, stronger and ..."refreshed"...

Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"Of course I do understand it's an uncomfortable and even risky situation for some people to come out, especially if they are not sure it's the right thing to do."

The real disstressing part here is the "uncomfortable and risky" part. Cause, if it were just you not being sure what is right, well, you could always give it a try, for a period, and see how it comes out...
(I'll comment some more on that in my reply to Hellfrozeover, that follows)


Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"My personal view is that there isn't any real hard and fast way of telling someone whether transitioning is the right thing to do. It's something that you have to work out yourself."

I agree, fully, that's why I've got a lot of sorting out to do.

Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"For me personally coming out at my work and then living as a woman really helped erase some small doubts that were going through my mind."

I'm happy for you

Chrissy wrote:

Quote:

"or if you really feel that carrying on living as a man is just too much of a lie to continue with".

I don't really see it as a lie, even though it might be oppressive. It's just something that, at some times, could seam that it was working for you, more or less, and you might at some point realise that it can't work out for you, any more...

Hellfrozeover wrote:

Quote:

"As for the trapped in the wrong body idea. I personally think this is a complete load of crap and similar to a fat person saying they're a thin person trapped in the wrong body."

The "trapped in the wrong body" idea, is just a theory. Theories might be helpful for some people or they might not. I never take them for granted, as "the truth" or something.
My own personal question is not so much if I am in the "wrong body" and if there is a "right body" for me. The question is whether the gender dysphoria I have was, initially, just what it is or it was caused by something else. Perhaps if there was a "something else", you could trace it and try to fix it, and, if so, you might not have to go through the risks and dangers of a transition. Or you might find out that more "modest" steps would be enough for you.

Hellfrozeover wrote:

Quote:

"Yeah okay, some things on a body aren't alterable but some are. It's the body we were given and ultimately, we can customise it until we're happy and get things we need done. It's not the wrong one. It might not be a great one but it's the one we were given to do with whatever we want or need done"

I agree and I really like the way you put things here

Hellfrozeover wrote:

Quote:

"Sorry to hear you're having a hard time dealing with the thoughts though. Sometimes trying to justify it can be harder than just getting on with things."

Yes I know. But "just getting on with things" is not a choise you always have.
You see it's not just about what I want to do with my body, myself, and the difficulties and risks that such a choise could have. OK, let's say that I have decided that what I like to do with my body is to make it as feminine as it can get ! Let's say that I have the loads of money which is required, down here, to do that (which I don't really...). Let's say that I have the psychological and physical stealth to go through all this (of which, I am not quite sure... )
But, say, would my family want me to have a body "as feminine as it can get"? Sure they wouldn't. I know they would freak out and would probably want nothing to do with me. Someone who has burned his bridges to the family, down here, is, in all ways, an outcast. It's difficult to explain.
Do you think there would be many bosses wanting to employ me or clients to make use of my services? Nope, for them I would be a freak or something. "Different", down here, means "dangerous and unreliable"
What about my friends? I see them feeling a little bit awkward already, even though they want to understand (the few ones I have come out to). And "social circles"? Awkwardness, is the best I could expect...
What about the people I could fall in love with? I can see them running...

And on top of all that, there is no such thing as a transgender community to belong to, down here. In my city, there is not even a lgbt community of any kind. Everybody is in the closet.

What I mean to say is, that yes it would probably be wonderfull to live with a body that suits me better, but who would I live with? We humans are sociable animals. Can we be contept just by ourselves? We, usually, can not even survive just by ourselves... Not around here, anyway...

So, is action, easier?


I want to thank you both, again, for your replies. Discussing things here is really helpfull

You know something?
I, too, often think I question things to much.
I'll just go on taking steps into whatever dirrection I want.
And that's that !


Feeling better and feeling thankfull

_________________
Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

Thanks Chrissy xx

1000 ways to ...NOT transition...


I could have started a blog from this point on, but I wouldn't like to start one with such a ...negative title. So, I'll pass, for now...

Lately, I've been speaking to (a few) close people about what I (might) want to do about my gender issues and I've really being ...enjoying their perception on my affairs.

My sister (who also happens to be sensetive on lgbt matters, on her own accord...) has reached a decision: "If YOU ever try to transition it would be a DISASTER"... (oh, that's great....)

Some close friends think I ''I'll get over it, when the time is right..." or -even worse- that I am having them fooled: " YOU? You living as a woman? A ha ha ha ha ha... NO WAY!" (that one happens to be a precise translation... )

They have accepted my gender dysphoria, allright. They just think it is another one of my (many) oddities... But transition? Oh, no, that unthinkable, irrational, inexplicable... a joke (a bad one...), a disaster...
There simply seams to be no way for them taking me seriously on this matter

When asked to ..."unroll" their ideas, further, about: "well, what do you think I should be doing, if not transitioning...?" they offer replies like these:

"there is definately something else bugging you (besides the dysphoria...)... take one step at a time and things will get better in your life..."
or
"everybody's (cisgender, too...) got similar problems, nobody is really pleased with him/herself, one must struggle to be contempt with his/herself...."
or
"you must start believing in ...love, again..."
or
"you haven't found, yet, a person who would love you for just the way you are (and not what she imagines you should be) and you loving her back for just the way she is (and not what you imagine she should be)..."
or
"I think you are just the kind of ...guy, a ...lesbian might fancy" (then, I had to explain, that, even if I were to accept myself as a ...guy, a lesbian would not fancy a ...guy of any type...)


Oh yes, everybody is being very supportive, provided, of course, that I drop any ...foolishness about transitioning...

For all they know, I can have my gender dysphoria, to play with as a ...toy of mind, that's OK. But radically changing my role in this binary sexual system... NO WAY!...

gender dysphoria isn't something that goes away or gets better.if you can't function on a day to day basis then you have to address the issue.at the end of the day you have to do what is best for yourself .my family were always very negative about transition but i changed my gender because it was the right choice for me.
rachel.

Good for you, Rachel!
I'm allmost convinced that you are right about gender dysphoria.
Nobody else seams to share this view, around here, however.
Maybe I should just pack and move to London, someday... And say to everyone and everything around here, bye bye...
Tara!