I have never really felt comfortable with me, and that has held me back so much in life.

Since i was a kid, i've been more like a lad than a girl. All my interests are more commonly associated with blokes and other than my body there is nothing feminine about me.
I have been dressing in lads clothes since around the age of 8, where i'd throw a fit if my folks tried to put me in a dress.
Even when i was real young i refused to do 'girlie' things. I spent many hours using my action men to decapitate my younger sisters barbies and other dolls, playing footy and mucking around with the lads.

As I've gotten older (I'm now 20) things haven't changed at all. I dress in baggy guys clothes to hide my figure. I have really short hair and wear a cap constantly. When I'm at the pub, when i meet new people they always think I'm a guy, (even though i haven't started T yet) but before i can say anything, a friend will jump in and say, 'it's obviously a girl' which, for the record fucking sucks!

Luckily, five months ago I met this girl. We got together for while but things didn't work out, mainly my fault because i was so uncomfortable when it came to anything to do with me. Since then we've been the best of friends, which is odd considering I usually only get on with lads.

Anyways, I decided that i trusted her enough to talk to her about this, and I couldn't have hoped for anyone so understanding. She is the only person that knows me that I have told. I still wish i hadn't have told her sometimes, as some of the things she asks about upset me a little. Regardless, she has given me the courage to tell some of my other close friends in the near future.
I explained everything too her, from feeling uncomfortable to hating social situations to the fears of telling my parents. She was cool with all of it. One day when we were chatting away, my mates mom over heard and gave me a big religious rant... was kinda funny yet nerve-racking, she got so intense i thought she was gunna chuck me outta the house.

When it comes to my folks. They think i'm a butch lesbian, which seems to work for them. It did take them a while to come to terms with it though... when i say a while, i mean around 2 years! They have a tendency to blow even the most minute things way out of proportion. How and when I'm going to tell them, is going to be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I'm terrified that they will pretty much disown me, think i'm insane and stop me seeing my brother (who is my life). That would be unbearable. I know I can't let my family deter me from being happy with me, but it would be hard to deal with. Still, thats only the worst case scenario.

Anyhow, my afore mentioned friend came to the rescue and has suggested us getting an apartment and has offered to let me pay discount rent so i can save for the surgeries i need down the line. Fucking legend.

So other than long bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts and a touch of alcoholism, that brings us up to now. I am on an IT course for microsoft and will be finished in around 2 months time. 2 months from there me and my mate will have saved up enough to put down a deposit and get stuff for our flat. As soon as thats sorted, I'll be straight down my GP to get my referals sorted.

I hope the next four months fly by.
Also gotta make sure I don't hit the bottle too much...

finally if anyones in birmigham and fancies a chat, let us know, i'm jobless so have a tonne of time to kill

After looking at the lengths of time some of the guys on here have waited beween seeing there GP and starting T, i've finally got the courage to ring my GP and book an appointment. So I'm gunna call the surgery before i go to sign on the dole tomorrow morning.

Terrified ain't the word! I'll definatly be planning what I'm gunna say to him before i have my appointment. I hate talking to people normally, so this is gunna drive me up the wall until its out of the way. I'm too shy and quiet for my own good most of the time.

Still trying to figure out how/when i'm gunna tell my folks. Me and my mate have postponed moving out for a year, as she wants to go and live in japan for a while. As thats the case, am gunna have to tell the folks sooner than i'd have liked. Grr. I think I'm gunna explain to my sister first, she is the most understanding outta my whole family.... finger crossed...

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jamie

managed to keep my nerve and book in with my GP. My appointments on monday at 4:30. *GULP*

As a little well done to me, smashed the hell out of my drum kit and learnt 7 new songs .... resulting in another pair of broken drum sticks and a snare skin with a rather large hole in...feel much more relaxed now though!

Now gotta sit through a couple hours of my bloody boring IT course, would rather just go back to sleep!
Another weekend where i'm too broke to go out on the lash with my mates.

Tomorrow, my best mate is paying for us to go to the omega sector, which is a huge arcade in brum thats full of PS3's and XBOX 360's. £5 quid to stay in there from 5pm till 9am sunday morning. Fantastic! Though I'll probably have to spend most of it teaching my mate how to play cuz she's propper useless and ends up running into walls all the time or blowing herself up!

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jamie

Good luck with your appointment, I hope your GP is sympathetic. If not, don't let that put you off!

cheers alan. my GP is a decent bloke so im sure he'll be ok.... well at least i hope so...

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jamie

just got back from my GP.
Was absolutly terrified sitting in the waiting room. But now i see all my worries were for nothing.
We sat down, chatted for a while about it and then he said he would sort me out a referral as quickly as he can. He was really sympathetic and said he could imagine how hard it is to talk about it.
So its nice to have finally taken the first step.

I just hope the referral doesn't take to long to be sorted....

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jamie

Awesomeness Glad it went well.

Is this a referral to a local mental health specialist, or to CX? Excuse my denseness. I think it probably took about a month between me being referred by my GP and my actual appointment with the local psych, so hopefully yours will be the same or quicker.

Cheers.
referrals to the local psych.
If its that quick for me i'll be well chuffed!!

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jamie

Wonderful news .

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Chrissy
Forums Moderator.

Always have faith and believe in yourself.
Never run from the truth.
Have the will to change your fate and your spirit will never die.
Check out the tzone team bios here: http://www.transgenderzone.com/bio.htm

tell me about it!!

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jamie

after a hell of a lot of deep contemplation, i've decided its time to gradually start coming out to people.
Speaking to my GP, and him being so cool about it sent my confidence through the roof (which is a first)

Today I told my closet cousin.
We started chatting about the GP as he went down for his pre-army medical a few hours before hand. I mentioned that I went down yesterday. When he asked why I told him everything. He was kewl about it all. He said it was a bit of a shock, but it made sense. He asked a few questions and then said he was glad i told him. I didn't think he'd be so good about it or understand most of it, as he's only 16.
He's promised not to tell anyone else.
Another Big step for me that was.
Lets just hope everyone else is that understanding....

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jamie

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Words like violence, break the silence
Come crashing in, into my little world

only keep him in there during the week, he roams of a weekend!

On a better note, after a long time trying to decide, i have chosen a name for myself. Previous messages i have signed dan, as danielle is the name my parents gave me (which i've hated for longer than i can remember). So from now on, I'm going by the name Jamie. It was that or Jake, and i decided jamie suited me better, plus iv've always liked the name.

so good riddence to bad rubbish.. now the mammoth task of getting people to call me by it.... oh the joy

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jamie

Was bored at home, stuck doin my bloody IT course.
So I decided it was time to come out to my younger sister.
She was so cool with it. She also said it was'nt in the slightest bit suprising!
She did ask a couple of questions like what was next and what name i was changing to.
Fantastic stuff.
I'm kinda suprised that the few people i have told have taken it so well. I'm still gunna wait till after i've seen the psych before telling my folks, and even then, they will be getting a letter instead of my telling them face to face.
So next i'm gunna tell my few other really close mates and see how they react. what ever happens it ain't gunna put me off!

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jamie

One week of broke-ness and bordem down and aother just around the corner.
Yesterday was a gutter of a day. Turns out my best mates mom may have cancer. Talk about gutted! So this week-end I've offered to give them a hand moving furniture as they need a blokes help with the heavier stuff!(their words, not mine) Also my mate has to fit her stripper pole and shes dangerous when it comes to screwdrivers and drills- she'll end up bringing the ceiling down!!
On a lighter note, also going the omega sektor again tomorrow night. I've had to borrow money off me nan so i can go, but its worth it. Last time i got in with all the lads that work there so we get special treatment. Tiz fantastic.
Also this week I hope i get the appointment for the Psych. The letter is going to my mates, so my parents will be none the wiser. You gotta love the secrecy!

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jamie